November 11, 2004
In a Progression of Steps...
In my household, there is a ritual. I OWN THE STEPS. No one goes UP or DOWN the steps, unless I do it first. No one preceeds me into any room, damnit! For the effective benefit of feline-dom, I herein transpose the step-by-step means by which ownershop of the stairs may be maintained.
Step 1. Always set yourself up in a position where you may see EXACTLY where everyone is, in relation to the stairway. It is best to assume an outward appearance of disdain and disinterest, the less the simpleton humans know about your inner goals, the better.
Step 2. When someone approaches the steps, claim as many of the stairs in their way as your body will physically allow. MAKE SURE its DIRECTLY in their path. One can assume you have succeeded by listening to the slurry of complaints and whinings which spill from the human mouth. Make sure that you do not appear that you claimed the space just to be in the way... in fact, its best to ignore that you are in the way, altogether, or even better, fast asleep. Even a simple-minded human knows better than to awaken a cat.
Step 3. The longer the verbal altercation goes, adopt an appearance of shocked dismay. Sometimes this disarms the human faculties and they forget their train of thought. Sometimes they even forget they want to go up or down the stairs.
Step 4. Plant yourself firmly on the stair, dig in your nails, bite the wood, whatever it takes to ensure that the slave's grubby hands won't dislodge you from King of the Mountain status.
Step 5. Channel the almighty glint of death and put forth your best yowl. Use of flattened ears should be used sparingly, lest the human believe you having contracted rabies or somesuch. However, indiscriminate tail flicking in irritation is always applicable. You all know the look I am talking about, the one that translates as, "Touch me, f*****, and you get a scratch for your trouble".
Step 6. Go limp as a rag. FORCE them to do work to move you. In my experience the humans are lazy and avoid anything which requires exertion.
Step 7. If you are surpassed in any measure whatsoever, race ahead, claim the next highest steps and start the process all over again.
I believe you will all come to find that, after a process of throwing your human down the stairway a few times, they shall come to understand that they must pay the feline a toll for passage on all up and down transitions.
Posted by Sierra at November 11, 2004 07:08 PMPosted to Feline Graces