Siamese Sensibilities

In a Fix

It all started when the human put me in a box and took me in a loud smelly rolling contraption to some hideous place. I was abandoned for days and caged with a host of other jailed animals. A lady came and strapped me to a table and put a cone object on my face that smelled funny, then I just slept.

I have awoken into a nightmare. My dastardly claws on my front paws are now gone, and there's a scar on my tummy. I feel all groggy and tempermental.

The human came back and rescued me and brought us home. He's making me wear a bandage around my stomach so that I cannot lick my tummy scar. I have been able to get past the irritating thing a few times, but he keeps coming back and fixing it (grrrr).

There are wirey strings in my paws now where my claws used to be. They are useless. They don't hold me up on the curtains the way my claws did. They don't make that interesting popping, shredding sound when I kneed on the furniture anymore. I feel gyped.

Salem is gloating over my malady. Even though I know she doesn't have her claws either.

Rage Against the Machine

This world of carpet and walls is a dangerous place. Not only am I surrounded by an abundance of slave humans to boss about, but also two canines and another cat.

In my young naivete, I completely discounted the imminent dangers posed by these seemingly innocuous and unimposing things known as 'machines'. I learned a hard lesson one day.

I had been seeking the perfect perch upon which to rest and warm myself in the ever growing chilling autumn environ of the house. Salem had claimed most of the windows, going well out of her way to spat and spew her way and chasing me away from the aforementioned warming spot.

On the back porch, I came upon a large, metallic white box, with a flap open from the face of it. Within were an abundance of soft, clean, dry clothing, entrancingly warm and just screaming for me to bed down upon them for a nice catnap.

Alarmingly, the flap slammed shut, a radial dial turned and all of a sudden the world was a cyclon of swirling clothing, a twirling drum, and blown heat. Needless to say, my yowls for help were well heard, for I heard the human slave running through the house and throwing the flap open.

I dizzily extracted myself from the tumbled clothing and fell out into the human's hands, summarily biting him for not warning me about the dangerous nature of said contraption. All I remember is hearing him say, "Mom, my cat is not a Bounce!"

Luckily it was only a few seconds, but not something I wish to repeat again. I stay away from said "dryer".

Nosing where you don't belong.

I have managed to avoid the other feline and her slurry of hisses and spews. Just wait til I grow up, ye tricolored skank, then we'll see who rules what where. (makes a note to get revenge on mangey old cat)

That penned in, I must make note of my latest encounter with another creature in the house. This being a dog that the human's have named, Devo or Wee'Dieter Van Dackel, as he proudly displays on his Dachsund AKC papers. He has this german accent, sounds a lot like Dieter from Saturday Night Live (whatever that is... LOOK I'm just repeating what the human slave said). Keeps making comments about "Touching his Monkey" and going to war to take back the outlying lands from the Czechs and Poles. A thoroughly confused little fellow, if you ask me.

I cannot tell you how disconcerted and alarmed I was when I first met the red beast. I didn't even see him... I feel a snort up my backside and a lick... I swear I jumped straight up in the air in shock and indignation. WHO THE H*LL GREETS A NEW MEMBER OF THE HOUSEHOLD BY STICKING THEIR NOSE UP THEIR BUTT!

Civilized fauna meet face to face, not snoop in the hinter areas! The nerve of him!

Don't worry, I put him in his place quickly. He's wrapped about my claw now, a willing slave. Perhaps I can convince the hound to lay into Salem for a bit. That would be most amusing.

Cat in Charge

Did I mention this place needing a cat in charge? Little did I know that there was already a cat in residence. I had not long been in the residence when I was scoped out by the resident cat, a complete sour puss that goes by the name of Salem.

Let me tell you this, the beast is an absolute hag. I didn't even look at her and she commenced to spitting and growling as if I had stolen her damn-ed catnip. This was definitely not the way to start off a relationship between equals. Anyway, I resolved to ignore her sorry arse and just go about my business as usual, winning over the hearts of the simpleton humans with my kitten cuteness and good graces.

I must admit, I was a bit perplexed that the human that rescued me from the pet store took notice of Salem's discourteous nature and took unpleasant steps. Whenever he would leave the house, he would lock me in the bathroom with food and water and a strange box full of gravelly sand. I fail to understand the reasoning behind this course of action, for I assure you that I could take the calico biotch out with a single swipe. I SWEAR IT! As if I need protection... puhlease.

Enter the Siamese

I was torn from my mother's side shortly after being weened and imprisoned in a cold, smelly, and obnoxiously loud cage with my brother's and sisters. I was certain my life was doomed to be miserable. I'm told this place was called a pet store, Pet's Potpourri to be exact, if that name isn't obnoxiously annoying enough, though there certainly was an abundance of odors wafting about the place that would require potpourri to mask.

I don't know how long I was there, but a day came when a certain human entered and kept hovering near my cell door. It was quite apparent that the fellow was lost and in definite need of a cat care giver.

He seemed impressed by my propensity to beat the living daylights out of my fellow inmates. Little did he know that I was merely getting payback for my lost twin sister taking a shiv-claw in the back not a week before. In any event, the human caught me in the act of holding down a rival kitten gang member and proceeded to obtain the guard to open the cell and have me removed ere I could put a dew claw in the squalling sissy cat's eye.

Naturally, I was quite put out for being interrupted, and soundly raked the offending human across the hand. He merely smiled and commented on how he liked a cat with attitude. The nerve.

I was placed in solitary confinement, with no food or water, and taken away. When the light returned, I found myself in a new home, one without bars. One in sore need of a cat in charge.

Yes. I could come to govern this place and make it my own. They shall tremble before the swish of my tail.