Tzoli's Red Leather Journal

31st in the Middle of Darkfall, Elday

My name is Tzoli Xolani Azuka Kita. I was born in the year 42 in the middle of the summer. My mum said it was the hottest day of the whole year, but I wun't really there so I kinna really say fer sure. Least of all, I kinna remember. I think I was born on a Blooday, I dun quite remember what my mum told me. I ain't really so good at rememberin things like that. I do remember that I'm named after my da. It means 'strength of the sun'. I dun think I'll ever ferget that so long as I live, mostly cuz my mum told me nearly everyday. My da died befer I was born, so I dun really know nuthin about him. My mum said that he died in a war, sumthin about a land dispute or sumthin. I dunno where I go the name Xolani frum, but my mum sed it means 'gods fergive her'. I always wunder what it is I am sposd to be fergivin fer. Azuka is so I life up to my past lives, cuz my mum sed I was a warrier in my past life, so it means 'past glory'.

I bought myself this journal. Its kinda like the one my Auntie Cici gaved me fer my birthday a few years back. I ain't real good at rememberin, but I try real hard not to ferget the importint things....

I tell myself everything that I shoun't ferget everyday bafer I go to sleep and then again when I wake up. I still manage to ferget a whole lot of things, but I still remember all the big thins.

My mum is a farmer. I was gonna be a farmer alsa, but I ain't no good at it. Plants dun wanna grow fer me. They get all brown and wilty and stuff. I ustah go tah school, but I just din't have any head fer all those books and numbers. I ustah git awful headaches frum all that thinkin people wanted me to do. I couldn't ever remember all those names and dates and stuff. I stopped goin to school cuz all them kids made funnah me an I would git intah fights with all the boys an stuff. My mum said I shouldn't fight with anyone littler en me, so I hadtah stop fightin everyone cuz I'm lots taller then them, but ya know, If yah put us on thah scales, I'll bet mostah them boys were actually a lot bigger then me.

I got intah lots of trouble when I beat up one of them boys real bad. I mustah just lost my head completely cuz I dun really remember beatin him up so bad. He was pickin on my friend Niko an I jus hate when people do that. My mum ustah say that me an Niko were gonna git married when I turned sixteen, but the darkness came and everything changed after that. I'm kinda glad Niko din't live tah see all the darkness and stuff. Anyway, Niko was the only person who would marry me cuz I ain't really to smart and I ain't got no head fer doin much of anything other then fightin. I remember that boy always sayin that only a blind man would marry a ugly idiot like me. He was probly right. Me and Niko got along well and were friends.

That boy hit Niko with a rock and made him fall. Niko mustah hit his head cuz blood was coming out of everywhere. I dunno what really happened cuz I jus started hittin that boy who threw that rock. I remember sum of them other boys all on top of me a lil bit later, holdin me down. That boy was all mussed up and my mum was real mad at me fer what I did. The priest said that I was gonna bring bad things to everyone cuz I had a shadow on my heart. I remember that, but I dunno what it means tah have a shadow on yer heart. Maybe its kinda
like that darkness that came a few years later, after Niko was dead from that fire.

I tried real hard not to lose my temper and to be nice to everyone cuz thats what my mum said wa right. I think if the priests had seen me bein so good, they would have told me that that shadow was all gone. I learned how to sew, but I wun't very good at it. I wun't very good at cookin neither. After Niko died and I din't have no one to marry me, I tried bein an apprentice to the cobbler, but I had no head fer it. I tried to git people to let me learn how to use some weapons like my da, but everyone said I was to dumb and to skinny to learn anything. I showed them though. I got real good at usin the long spears the guards used by watchin them practice. I could outrun them stupid guards also. And I was way more bendy then them. Yep, I couldah bin the best guard in our village if the darkness hadn't come.

I dun really when the darkness came, but I remember all them people. Lots ah poeple came to my village. I remember how scared all of them looked. Half dead...thats how they looked in their eyes, half-dead. My mum let sum of the children stay with us. I liked them kids. We played and stuff. All of them were sad though, the inside kind of sad. I was sad like that when Niko died, but them kids, I dun think that the inside sad will ever go away fer them.

The people in Telantha say I'm lucky. They say I mustuv got Balor's luck. I dunno why they say this. They say that I mustah left my village just before the darkness hit us. Maybe I did, I dunno. Everyone tells me my mum is dead now, but I dun really believe them. They say everyone in my village must be dead cept fer me and the two little children I brought from there to their families here in the city. It's bin five years since I came here and I just now bought myself this new journal to replace the one I got frum my Aunty Cici fer my birthday. Lots of people here have that deep inside sad to em, but I always smile to them and say things ain't really that bad, cuz, so far as I kin tell, they ain't.

Posted by Tzoli at October 1, 2004 08:07 PM