I went and saw the heelars today abot my hed hurting me. They sed they coud give me medisins to make it feel battar and to help me slep. That made me happy. Wen I askd them fer them, they sed how much they cost and it was too much fer me. I did not have anuff coins. It woud cost me half of my pay evaryweek fer it and I alredde hardlee have anuff coins fer food.
I gess I will just have to live with the hedakes. I wish the heelars woud tell me wat they are frum.
I have to try to not show my hurt so much. Peepul are starting to talk abot it and I do not want them to worry over such a silly thing like a hedake. Mebbe I am jus growin agin. During my last big growth spert, I had akes in my legs and back all the time. I think I am getting tallar agin, but I dunno, mebbe I just feel tallar.
Missus Faydra sed she woud make a story abot me. She is always telling me niss things. I do not no why. I think she has an idea of me that is perfict and I no I am not. I am big and stupid and uglee and I kinna do nuthing rite. She thinks I cou be pretty tho. And she sed I am strong and good and mental or something. Mebbe I am getting to words confused up ther. I think mebbe she is niss to me cuz I saved her once and she woud feel bad if she told me truths abot me that I alredde no. I wondar sumtimes wat it woud be like if I had not savd her frum that persin who kept stabbing her. I wondar wat woud have happind if I had not smashed him up good and made him run away like a coward. Woud she still be niss to me? Bafer I did that I do not think she evin talkt to me.
Fate is funny I think. It takes away all of my frend ovar and ovar, but puts new ones in ther plass. Sil and Skye and Rylian... I think they are all gone. Stylite and Makoto and James and Zer and othar peepul whose names I have fergittid... My sword teechar Missus Lairah... evaryone has left or died. i do not no. Jirand is still here.. he is the only one tho. Evaryone has bin gone and new peepul put in ther plass. It makes me wondar how long it will be until my studints dissapeer and my new frends also. Sumtimes I think Fate duz not want me to be too close to peepul and it makes them go away frum me. Evar sinss Sil and Skye left, I have not felt such a good frendship like I had with Niko. Evar sinss Rylian left I have not felt a love fer anaone err evin a want fer love. (mebbe that want is sumthin else Melchior took away frum me wen he took away his othar gifts) Fer Sehki and Hemo... I want to pertekt them and I like them, but they do not reelee no me I do not think. The look up to me and I feel like I cannot let them down. I want them to see me as a frend and as sumone who is not bettar then them. I want them to see me as the same, but I see the awe in their eyes sumtimes still.
Mebbe I am being selfish and greedy and wanting too much. I jus want sumone to see me. I want them to see me and like me fer the truth of me. I want them to love my smile and my scars and see that they are the same thing.
Posted by Tzoli at May 9, 2005 08:27 AM