Tzoli's Red Leather Journal

Losday, 24th Day of the End of Autumn

I coud not fass peepul agin today. I no I must have dun sumthing so veree bad. I think peepul will hate me. I can not fass people. I sit in my room and I train in the dojo. Peepul avoid me.

My mussle ake me frum training so hard. I trained and trained to try and make my hart quiet. All I feel is confuzin... anger and sadniss... agony and hatrid. I want to make thees feelings go away in me. The preests say it is a shadow on me. I ramembar the preests of Elbahn bak home and the preests of Cymur. They had the church in my home. They sed I was bad. Preests no those things. I do not want to make the Gods angry with me for being bad. I do not want the shadow on my hart.

I am not good at making the words rite to say how it is. The preests of Elbahn sed I was bad and they smacked me with canes that time. I ramembar the littal room they put me in fer being bad. They sed I had no joy in my hart, onlee the shadow. They sed if I had joy in my hart then I woud not let my angar and rage make me dark. I do not understand that. My mum is was dark like me also. They did not yell at her. The tyeni was evin darker then me but they did not get yelled at neethur. They sed the darkniss on my hart was a curse frum the Gods.

I do not think it is. Wat did I do to get a curse? Mebbe now I daserve a curse, but that woud be frum Melchior and not all of the Gods. I think if Melchior cursed me it woud be more like wat he did to Gabreeul. My mum sed my pa was like me and the preests sent him away to war. She sed my grandpa was like me and they sent him away also. Will the preests here send me to war? The preests bak home sed I was too stoopid to be in the army. I tryd to join the militia but they sed I was too dum also.

Mebbe the darkniss that makes my mind go away frum me is Balor's way of telling me I need to go to war like my pa and grandpa. I pray to Balor evaryday to help me control the anger and rage in me. I pray to be strong. That Skrel sed I shoud control it or else I woud make Balor angry. I do not want to make Balor angry. I want to make him proud of me. I love Balor veree much. I want to be like him.

I wundar if Balor gets angry also. I want to be strongar and strongar. I want to be the best warrier in the hole world, then Balor will be proud of me. Then I can show Him how much I love Him. Mebbe love is the wrong word. I do not no. I love Melchior also. Can sumone love a God like that?

Posted by Tzoli at June 9, 2005 08:30 AM