Tzoli's Red Leather Journal

10 - The End of Spring, Sycaday

I new wen he kissed me. I new then.

That is three of them. Three peepul I have loved and three who have died in my arms. I new frum the begining he did not love me bak. I new he woud nevar want me. I new he woud nevar want nuthin mor. I new. I always new that. It is why I sed nuthing. But, I also new that he new how I felt.

But, in the end Bjar is a liar to. He sed he woud always be with me. That he woud not go away lik evaryone else, but he did. He went away and he did it in front of me. I am angry. With him, with me. With evarything.

I am evin angry at Melchior. I no that is a sin. I no it is rong. I no I shoud not feel like that for a God. But Melchior savd me and did not save him. Melchior savd sumone he threw away and did not save his prieest. He did not save one of His Children. He savd me tho, like I am worth sumthing.

Why?

Why am I always let here?

Wen Niko died it was on fire. And I was on fire to. I thot I woud die then. But I did not. When Rylian died I thot I woud die fiting the captin to save Nybrylla. Now, with Bjar ded, the onlee thing I think abot is Melchior saving me in the Dragon's Head that night.

Mebbe Morhiag hates me. Mebbe she duz not want me. Mebbe I did sumthing veree bad and this is how she is gitting ravenge on me... by keeping me alive. (Not unlike the Vek in my old dreems.)

I took Bjar's body to his famalee. His brothar was ther... He was on his way out to the bars. He did not seem veree surprized wen I told him, but he did seem veree sad.

Bjar askt me to help the gard before he died. He told me not to rage. I think that was the hardist part. The hardist part was not to fall away. I coud feel myself breking and breking and breking. But I pushd it away. I pushd it down deep, away to the dark plass inside me.

Now, I have to train mor. I have to git reddde. I have to not think abot this anymor.

I have to go bak to being me.

Posted by Tzoli at August 24, 2005 04:17 PM