Tzoli's Red Leather Journal

12 - The End of Spring, Elday

To much has happind latlee. To much. It is hard to sort out all of the feelings in me. Bjar died, the came back. He told me abot a Mum and a child he is sapposd to pertekt. Onlee the Mum is the city. It was veree confuzing. I try hard to undarstand but i still can not do it.

I feel veree far away frum Bjar now. Like he is so far abuv me that evin my long arms can not reech him. It is like that time Melchior took me away into white and showd me a sword. I tryd to reech it but coud not. I feel veree far away frum evaryone rite now. Almost like I am walking arond in a diffrint plass frum evaryone else. I do not undarstand wat is going on but nuthing feels rite to me no mor. Nuthing is rite.

I hate this feeling of being in batween evarything. Like I do not balong. I hate it. I no I am not a part of nuthing no mor. My purpiss is just to Fite. To die. I do not no wat side I am on. I do not evin no wat the sides are. I do not mind dying lik that. I want to die fiting. That is good I think. I do not want to die like a coward and take my own life. Wen Bjar died I reelizd that. I reelizd how lonlee and far away frum evaryone I am.

I do not want peepul to pity me. I see the look in ther eyes and I hate it. During the prayar, sumthing in my changd. Sumthing I can not put bak wer it goze. it is hard to think of myself as Tzoli anymor.

Wen I train, I do not feel like I did before. My mind bacomes cleer and mor fokissed than it usd to. Eech movmint seems to have mor purpiss. Mebbe I reelee have reefhd the highist level now. As I train, the world falls away frum me. I am the hammar and the fist and they are me. It sets all my voisis to rest. it makes my hart calm.

It is all I want to do now.

I want to live in the momint wer I am my weppin and it is me and the world is gone.

Bjar, Sehki, Rylian, Aubren, Niko... no one is left but me and Balor. Or mebbe it is just me who is left.

I want to fite.

Not spar. Fite.

I want it to mattar. I want it to be reel. No one worth my time spars me no mor. I take eech match sereeiss but I do not lern nuthing.

I am so far away frum myself.

I do not no if I will find my way bak.

I am scard I will not be Tzoli no mor.

Posted by Tzoli at August 25, 2005 06:31 PM