Tzoli's Red Leather Journal

19 - The End of Spring, Blooday

Fate tawnts me I think. I walk to get away frum peepul. to be alone. I walk in the middal of the woods to try to be me agin. To try to put myself in ordar. To make the falling feeling go away frum in me. I walk to walk. To make sure no one can find me.

And who do I almost walk rite into? Bjar.

Crule.

In the Middal of the woods, with no one arownd. And ther he is. Can't I just be dapressed alone fer onss? He wuz in a big angar. That is one emoshin he duz not wer well. Of corss, he woud not admit it, he just let it boil and boil on the surfiss of him. It woud spit out at me evin tho I new it was not me he was angree with. And it still hurt.

I no I make him angree and sumtimes leeve him with no words becuz I am so dum. I no that. I no it makes him mad and crazy at me. Frustratid. He alredde puts so much on himself that I do not want to worree him with my littal problims. I do not want him to worry no mor then he has to. He can not handal it veree well. His worry turns to frustrashin, then angar. Hurtfal angar.

I offared to help him, but he duz not want it frum me. He turnd it arownd on me. Made me tell him why I was falling. So I told him. I told him why.

He woud not undarstand. I new he woud not. Onlee Missus Nybrylla woud undarstand and frum the rumars I heer...

I do not no no mor.

I think I am alone now. Mebbe Bjar thinks he stands by me, mebbe he evin wants to be the one by me, to hold me up... But, ther are manee things evin he duznt want to see. I feel like he is flying away on me. He is so importint and I am such a nuthing. Soon I think he'll see that and go away ferevar on me lik evaryone else. He has things to do and I am jus here to fite and to die. To wait fer that time. He has a meening. He keeps moving away frum me, mor and mor. He duznt see it, but I do.

Worss, I feel it in my hart, stabbing me lik a red hot daggar.

I need to lern not to love him no mor. I need to lern it. I need to make the feelings go away. I do not no how to change my hart tho. I do not no how to live by anathin but wat I feel.

I do not want to be poisin like evaryone. Like the Gods told me evaryone is.

Mebbe evin Bjar is poisin.

Posted by Tzoli at August 30, 2005 06:47 AM