I know I don't often write OOC interludes like this, but lately I have been in a situation where people have been using knowledge they couldn't know IC. Yes, I am talking about people using this Journal as a way to 'know' things about my character that they couldn't. This annoys me. I know it is hard to see all the nifty things written here and not want to act on them.
I don't especially mind people trying to dig the information out of me. Or even using it against my own character, however, people have been using it against other characters I mention in this journal. To those who have been doing (intentional or not) I say: "BAH ON YOU! BAH I SAY!"
Lame people, laaaaaaame. What you read here shouldn't effect how your character acts. It's a struggle I know because there are juicy tid bits hidden in the assorted babble of an idiot. I don't really want to have to change how my character writes, mostly because I am trying very hard to put her personality and quirks first, but if I have to I will to avoid putting in names.
So people, please, just think before you act. Put your character first, not the player behind it.
I've said my peace now. So everyone have fun, remember its just a game!
I had importint things to writ about yestaday, but they all flittid out of my hed. With all of my changis, I fergot to write bout Rylian latlee. Sum days ago, me and Rylian went to a big tree in the forist. He showed me a secret way to git inside the tree. It was neet. It was big, tho I still had to be small.
Inside the big tree I felt veree small. I think sumtimes it is good to feel small. Whin I felt small, I think it was ezee-er to feel things inside myself. I felt sumthing inside of me that was trying to pull me to Rylian. I dunno. It is veree hard to esplain. I was thinkin shamfull things.
Maybe that is love.
Anaway, yestaday, I found out he was thinkin the same things. I got my veree first kiss. I dunt think I will go against what I sed bafer. I will marry the first person who I knowed had feelings for me. I dunno if Rylian wants to git mareed tho.
Kissin is both warm and cold it seems. I feel all warm inside, like a drippy gooey thing. Then I feel all cold and tenss and scared for a minit. BUt then it was like a felt a tuggin on my chest that pulled me closer to Rylian all over agin. I kept wantin mor and mor an mor. I dunno. I think I was veree good. We kissed and were both excitid and confused and stuff.
Kissin makes my hed mixt up. I was tryin to esplain to Rylian my feelins, but I dunt think I did a good job. I was confusin even to myself. Sumtimes I wish I was smart so I coud jus esplain things better.
But what if I say I love him and it aint realy love attall? Then I'll be a lier. Of corse, I think I am alreddee a lier fer not tellin my frends bout myself and the changis I have had. But I dunt wanna be sent away. It is veree hard. It makes me feel teribal. Like I am breakin trusts and frendships an stuff. It keeps me awake at nites with the gilts.
I am tryin to get used to myself all over agin. Its hard. I was veree much used to myself. I liked myself even. Then this new thing happind. Now its like my own voice is very quiet compared to other peepuls. I used to think I had a loud voiss inside of me, but not I dunt no.
((name here is scratched out to a black mark)) said that Melchior is the God of wisdom. He said that I must be wise in my own way to be chosin by him. He said you dunt have to be smart to be wise. I dunt think I'm neether one to be honist. I think I'm just me. It was hard bein me befor with evaryone bein to smart and pretty, now its harder.
At least now I no most peepul dunt think bad of me. They like me and I can make them happy. Maybe if I try a little harder, I can help peepul more. I want to, but I think mebbe I may crack. If I hear them call me foul things, I may lose my temper and show myself to them whin I shoudnt. If peepul no, they will hurt me, this is what I was told.
I was also told to be careful of peepul who are like me. If I have to be careful of peepul like me, then why am I like them attall? Its veree hard to lern a new way to be I think.
Ah well, at leest if sumone likes me and wants to have babees with me I'll know and it will be easier to git marreed and start a fam'lee. I think I'll have babees with the first person who realy wants to be with me cuz I want to have babees mor than I want to do anathin else. I'll have six of them, mostlee boys. Yes. thats how it will be. At leest if that is how Im allowed to be.
If you have a hard time keeping IC and OOC information separate, don't read this. If you are tempted to do so, don't read this. I'll lay the smack down on people acting different. Well, not really, but I'll be very put off.
I dunt no what to do no mor. Sumthin veree strang has happind to me. I dunt no why or how or nuthin. Jirand says we are speshell, but we kinna tell no one bout the hearin we have. He says they do bad bad things to peepul like him and me if they find out. Worse even then peepul who have plague. I dunt wanna be put alone like they did to Sil. I dunt wanna be made all by myself, thats worser then bein ded.
I hear things now. Things in peepul's heads. I dunno what to do about it. Jirand said i have to act normle. He told me in my head to do that. He's like me. He sed Melchoir duz this to peepul, but I dunno. I hate hearing the bad things peepul think about me. I scared Mir-a and I no she hates me now. She'll pro'bly always hate me now. I hate scarin peepul, hate it cuz I kinna do nuthin bout it. This is even worser then just havin a temper that makes me hurt peepul, cuz with that I kin at least walk away, or run if I need to. This just happins and I kinna do nuthin bout it.
Frum now on, I am hidin this jornil away so no one ever finds it til I'm ded. It will be in my speshell spot fer ever and ever. No one kin find this or I no they'll make me alone by myself forever.
I am now a Dryth. I'll never fergit that name no matter what. Its like its burnd on my brain. Dryth
Today I startid thinkin the most shameful things. I startid thinkin about kissin and havin babees and all sorts of things I shoudn't be. I startid thinkin about Jirand innah way I shoudn't have bin attall. I dunno what came over me. I was so embarissed i ran away. It was like a voice kept talkin in my head and makin me think things. I dunno. Veree strange.
I'm confuzed and sick and I just wanna sleep.
I saw Sil today adn we talkd. I want to do sumthin niss for her, but I kinna think of nuthin to do. I brot her a cookee. Cookees are good. I learnd sum on the mace today. It was kind of fun and eezeer than I thot it woud be. I think I can get good at it if I practiss. Now I just need to buy one for myself so I dunt have to borow one no more frum my teecher.
My teecher is a niss persin. His name is Krallip, he is a tyen. He is shorter then me, but has manee mor musles. His musles are big and round, mine are long and skinny. He sed if I practice, my musles may start to be like his. I woud like that. He also has horns. I like horns, they are good I think. I wish I had horns, but I dunt. His horns are greyish with a little bit of red. They are good horns and I told him so and he laffed and sed he woud teech me. He also likes his horns. He is a niss man and a good persin. I dunt unnerstand why peepul dunt like Tyeni folks much, all the ones I no are veree niss to me. My frend Jabir offered to have a piknik with me when his mum made cookees. It sounds niss.
I am veree frustratid. I always try to do thins an I just kinna do them. Evaryone says I shoud be able to sew and cook, but I've tryd. I try and try and try and try, but I kinna do it. Evaryone always says its ezee and they dunt unnerstand why I kinna do it. Mebbe I am stupid. Big and dum and stupid. I hate it.
I went into the forrest today to try to gather herb, but I fergot how. I saw plants and trees and berrees, but I coudnt ramember what any of them were. I think my brains got mor mushy frum sumthin I did, but I dunno what. It was like evarything I new was suked out of my hed. I was so frustratid, I gave up tryin to use my spear and sold it away. No one wanned to teach me anaway. They sed I was to dumb to unnerstand and apershiate how to use it anaway.
I did find sumone who woud teech me how to use a mase. I need to save up and buy one now. Missus Clar sed she woud help me to find a good one.
At least I can do one thing rite. I can make tee. Evaryone enjoys my tee lots. Thats what they say. I dunno if I'll still be able to make it now that I've fergottin all the herbs, but at least I can buy the things I need so long as I dunt fergit them. So I am writing them down now so I dunt fergit.
Tee Resipee
1 haf handful Mint leeves
1 rosehip bud
1 large pinch Ginseng powder
1 haf handful Alkaseeds
1 Small honey com
Water to fill kettle
Boil water, pour hot water on herbs and bring kettle to boil agin.
Now I kinna fergit cuz it is writin down and if I do fergit, I kin reed it.
Today I got calld rude names by sumone I dint neven no. He was tallish and lith with real real real dark black hair. I dunno why he wanned to call me names, but he also threatened me and sed he woud cut opin my throt. It was veree hard to make my anger stay down. It burnd up all inside me an I felt it boilin. It was veree hard to make it stop.
I left there cuz I thot I was gunna punch him in the face an then not be able to stop. My visin was all fuzee. And all I coud think about was hiting and kiking and punching. I coud have sword that fer a minit, evarythin was red and I felt my fist trying to move without permishin, so I left. I ran away cuz I dint wanna git into a fite in front of my frends. Speshialee not Jirand, he woud think I'm crazee or sumthin.
I tryd veree hard to be niss. I oferd tee and smiled, but he stil dint like me nun. I dunt unnerstand it attall.
I ran. I ran and ran and ran. I ran outside the gate and screemd. I screemd til no more screemin coud be dun. I punchd the wall of the city and hurt my good hand. I punchd and punch and punchd, tryin to make the dark thing inside me stay away. I think ti workd, I dun think I hurt no one and that makes me happy. I never wanna hurt no one just cuz I get dark whin peepul call me names and hurt me.
I lost my jornil a few day ago. I dunno what happind. I found it today in my backpack waaaaaaay at the bottom, but not in the same place where I put it. I always put it in the little pocket so I wun lose it. I am scared sumone found it an red it and then put is back. Its embarissin to me to think that may have happind.
I saw Rylian and Mir-a fer the first time in a few days today also. They talkd about things I dint no about. I felt veree much confused. I think mebbe they haddah argumint but dint wanna tell me. I dunno. They actid weard around each other. It seem all my frends dunt realy like each other and I am the only commin thred. Its okay, I like them all anyway cuz they are all niss and stuff. I dunt unnerstand why they fight with each other, there aint anuff peepul left tah fight each other over silly lil things.
I saw Sil agin taday. She sed she wanned to ask me sum questins. She sed git all ralaxed and close my eyes an answer them honistlee. First she askt if I liked bein touched by peepul an I sed no, cuz it makes me feel wierd. I sed there were a few exsepshons, but usually I dun like peepul touchin me. I sed I feel like I git my ugly on them...or mebbe I sed I got them dirty. I dunno. I kinna ramember eczactlee what I sed.
Then she askd me to imagin that I was all happy. Then to look at myself an see how I was. I saw myself and I wasn't purty exzactlee, but I was more like a girl. My hair was long and straight and smooth, not all kinky and stickin out all over my head. I had a pretty red dress that fit me and wasn't fallin off my shoulders or too short. I lookd purty, kinda like a girl, insteadah like me. I saw myself with a tall handsim husbind who smiled at me and held my hand and who I dint haftah look down on to see his face. He kissd my forehead and held the hand of our lil boy who was tall and strong and smart like him. I held the hand of our other lil boy who had eyes like my mum. I was veree happy in my mind.
But, I dun think a man like that is real, at leest not for me. Handsim men want purty wemmin who are smart and can sew and cook and do all the good things wemmin should be able to do. My mum tryd real hard to teech me, but I have fergottin lots..well, most of it. I'm gunna be a horrible wife, or worse, an old maid. Then I'll never have babees.
I try real hard tho. I wish I was good anuff, like Sil or Sky or Ell or Mir-a.
I had a good dreem last night. I dreemd Niko dint die an the darkniss dint come. We was livin in a small house outside of town an had five childrin, two girls an three boys and anather on thah way. I called them Dorra, Nikolas Jr., Tzoli the III (a good boy named after me and my pa), Jeri, and lil Silvia. We dint hav lots of monees, but we had anuff.
It was my birthday and evaryone had gottin me a presint. It was all wrapped up in red paper with a big yellow string. I opind it and inside was a teapot importid frum thah Tir Lands. It was beeutaful. I was veree happy. We all sat at the table eatin a big cake with extra hony drizzld on it. Lil Silvia sed she had anothur presint fer me. She ran off to her room and brot out a lil box. I opind it and inside was a red flower she had pikt frum the feeld behind our house. She climed up on my lap and put her ear to my big belly and askt me if I coud make sure she had a lil brother inside me. I laffd a bit and sed id try my best. She kissd my tummy with her lil child lips then reechd up an kissd my cheek with them.
All of my childrins was veree smart, like Niko eksept not blind or nuthin. They lookd like me and my mum a lil bit, with long straight hair like Niko's tho. They was happy and I was happy. I made tea in my new teapot and we all made a wish, holdin our mugs in the air. I wishd all of my childrin to be as blessd and as happy as I was. We ate cake and drankd tea and laff and told storees til late at night. I carreed Silvia intah bed in the room she shared with her sister. I tuct her in and kissed her forehead, then went an kissd Dorra's also. I sed goodnight to all my boys who were strong and smart and good at evarything they did. I wundered how all these wunderful things coud come out of me.
Me and Niko sat up near the fire holdin hands. He was smaller then I ramembered, but mor gentil. He kissd my face, sumthin he never did whin he was alive an told me he lovd me veree much. He ran his fingers over my face lookin at it like he did whin he was alive. I was so happy I thot I woud explod.
Then I woke up.
I felt all empty agin, like I had missd sumthin. I thot I coud feel lil Silvia's kissis on my cheek and Niko's hand in mine, but insted I was alon. It was like sumthin wunderful had bin taken away frum me. I tryd to go bac to sleep and make the dreem come agin, but I coudnt find sleep or the happiniss in that dreem.
I want to be a mommy. I want to have childrin to take care of. I want to see them grow up and be happy. I want that so much, so veree much. I want to be marreed and just live quietlee. That is what I want.
Many thins happind taday. I saw Sil. She lookt scard. I dunno what of, but Sky sed she probly died and was resurectid, so I think that woud make anyone scard. I went shoppin fer her, to git sum boots and a clok and a belt. On the way, I met her frend Stilite. He sed he'd help me shop fer her. We were both veree bad at it. Then Sky found us and helpd. It was good byin her thins cuz I missd her so much whil she was away. Sky told me to be carful and not to touch her yet cuz she may have plag and she dunt want me to hav plag also. It was hard listinin to Sil, I dint unnerstand most of the stuff she was sayin about Gods and her mishin frum them.
Sumthin strang did happin tho. She sed she had to git plesur frum three peepul and giv it to three peepul, then she winkt at me. I felt all hot all over whin she did that. I no I must hav blushd, but I dunno why. I was hot insid, then all the suddin it was gon. Mebbe I was jus embarrisd by the thot in my hed at the word plesur. I dunno.
I met a girl named Ell. She had one arm. She was niss. She also wor an eyepach and had a scar on her face like Sil duz. Asid frum her scar and arm, she was veree purty. I wish I was purty like evaryone I see around. Evaryone is veree beeutiful even tho they have scars. They have perfect facis and perfect nosis and perfect lips and perfect hair and perfect bodies. I feel likah monster amung princessis. A tall stupid monster with the face of a horse. I no I aint purty like evaryone else an it makes me feel kinda lonlee, in my own world apart frum thers. But I dun think anyone woud unnerstand that if I sed it to em. It maks me think mebbe the Gods only saved purty peepul to pleese ther eyes or sumthin. It makes me wunder why they saved me.
I dint see no one taday. It wuz like evaryone in the hole world disapeerd. It was strange. For a hole day I sat by myself, thinkin, writin and not realy doin anathin more then healin. I went tah see Rylian, but them ladees woudnt let me in fer sum reesin. I dunno, it was strang, kinda like they dint want me to see sumthin.
Ah well, I will try tomarow to see him.
Taday Mir-a sed I was not stupid. I no I am not a smart woman, but I never thot I was stupid. I wondar why she sed this to me. Do peepul here think I am stupid? I woudnt be surpizd, evaryone thinks I am stupid givin enuff time I gess. I wondar if peepul call me names behind my back.
Jirand cam to see me bafer I got out of the hospatal. He sed I shoud be a bard cuz I kin juggle and tell storees. He sed he woud write down my storees fer me if I wanned him to. I am tryin to think of a good first storee to have him write first. I think it will be about the see. He likes the see and it seems like he missis it, Mebbe if my storee is good, it will make him feel better.
I got out of the hospatal taday. Them ladees tookd out my stichis. I need to git Missus Preestiss Sky sumthin fer gittin me better so fast. I think mebbe a pi or a cookey. I dunno. I shoud also git Mir-a sumthin fer stayin with me so much. I wish I coud stay tho cuz Rylian is still here. I will come and see him evaryday tho. I dunt want him to git lonlee. I hate seein that look in his eyes that sumtimes even I kinna git to go away. I wondar if I have it also.
Them Ladees here keep givin me this drink that maks me sleepee. They sed I have to drink it to git better. I think I sleepd an entire day away. Missus Preestiss Sky cam to see me. It was a niss visit. She gits embarissed whin she talks bout boys and stuff. Its funee, but neat.
She sed she was gonna pray to her goddiss and ask her to guide me or sumthin like that. I dunno. She seemed buzee with the stuff she was thinkin bout. I like Missus Skye, she is veree niss to me.
The drink them ladees gived me made me have strange dreems. I herd lots of voisis in my dreem. Peepul I new were chatterin bout me in them. It was weard. I coud have sworn I herd Sil talkin abov me an whin I opind my eyes, there was no one there. I was sad for a seccin, but then I thot mebbe she was callin to me frum her lonlee plass.
It is funee evaryone thinks I like Rylian innah way diffrint frum how I do. I am niss to him, but onlee cuz he is niss to me. He raminds me of Niko a lil bit. He also raminds me of Tarki who I brot to Telantha all them years ago. Tarki was niss to me he was sevin years liler then me whin we cam here. He had red hair like Rylian, but he wunt so pale. He was a good kid, I think he is a apprentiss now to a woodworker, but I dunno. Rylian raminds me of Niko in how he talks and heers me. I miss both Tarki and Niko, but onlee whin I have time to think bout them.
I have lots and lots of time latlee.
Der Silmarill,
I am worreed about you. I herd you are in a place by yourself alon. I want to come and git you, but I am in the hospatal and I kinna leev for a wile. I got hurt frum sum big wolves. I woud tell you mor but I dunt realy ramember nuthin bout it. I no I got a big bit of me tor out and I got stichis holdin me all up tagethir. It hurts to laff and to mov.
I left the hospatal to look fer you in the Hall you always go to. I herd there that you was takin away. It made me sad. Areehim lookd angry also. I dunt think he wuz as angry as me cuz he dint listin to anythin I sed bout the cur fer the plag that ladee sed she coud git frum the alcemist. He sed he coudnt ever git the monees. I got angry and movd too fast and my stichis ript opin. It hurt lots. I yelld at him and othars. I sed if they wuznt gunna git the cure fer you, I woud. I wuz bleedin lots and it hurt me lots to talk. I trid to leev and find that ladee, but my legs givd out on me and I fell down. So I wuz put in the hospatal agin.
Whin I git out, I am gonna do evarythin I can to git you out of the place you are alon at. I baleeve you whin you said you got Missus Arlena curd by the will of Syakala. I no you woudnt lie to me cuz you are a good persin. Evaryon seems to think you are crazee, but I dunt. I will git you out of the lonlee plass. I promiss.
Your Frend
Tzoli
PS I miss you and dunt give up.
Taday I writed a letter to Sil. Mir-a sed she woud help deliver it fer me. I mad to copees of the letter so I coud sav one and keep it in case sumthin happind to the first one. She coms to vizit me here in the hospatal. Rylian is here no also cuz he is havin troubles and pain. He coffs up blood and I dunt like it attall.
Me and him talkd, both of us cluchin our sides tryin not to laff err nuthin. Rylian seems lonlee to me. Even mor lonlee then I feel. I dunno. He seem veree far away sumtimes, but he tries to always smile fer me even if it hurts him. When he duz this I no he is a good frend. I try to always smile fer him also, I think mebbe, evenshallee we will feel a lil better inside. I think othar peepul git the rong Idea when we are round each othar cuz they shy away frum us. It is funee, Rylian and Sil are the onlee peepul I dun mind touchin me, evaryone else makes my skin crawl, I hate it.
I told Missus Preestiss Sky about my dreem. She sed she wunt scared by it, but she left veree fast after I told her. Mebbe she new sumthin she dint wanna tell me right away or had to look at sumthin to be shur about it. I dunno. I hope she dunt treet me like them Preests of Cymur bak home. She is a good ladee tho and I no she wunt do that to me.
I dacidid I hate selfish peepul. I dacidid it. I hate peepul who dun listin to nuthin but theyselvs. I dacidid that peepul who realy listin are good peepul. Niko and Rylian and Sil, they realy listin. They heer what I say. They dun wanna teezz me or nuthin.
My side hurts. My guts hurt, my hart hurts. They took Sil away and put her alon. I fergit the word fer it alredy. They think she has plag so they put her alon. I hate it. Peepul keep takin away my frends. Soon, theyll take away Rylian also and Ill have nuthin left.
Zer and Mir-a took me bak to the hospatal. I left lookin fer Sil. I ript out sum stichis whin I yelled at peepul fer gossipin bout Missus Arlena and Sil and Stylit. They dint wanna listin to me cuz they was arguin lots. I think they liked arguin mor than listinin.
I hate the Hospatal. Its borin and the ladees stick me with needals and put burnin stuff on me that smells bad. The ladees are mean and hard hard fingers. Not like mum who was very soft and good with me. My mum never had smellee burnin stuff fer my cuts. My mum was the bestest mum ever. EVER
Taday I gitted hurt. I got bitted by wolves. Onnah em took a chunk out of my side. I ramember standing by my frends, but after onnah em bit me, I dun realy ramember anythin until I was sittin inside the gate of the city bleedin on myself. I hurt my hand and I spose I mustah bin hittin sumthin with it.
Nun of the peepul I thot was my frends cared nuthin bout me gittin hurt. They was all too bizee with each other, tho I ain't herd bout no one else gittin injured an no one else is even in the hospatal. The peepul I thot was my frends dun realy like me nun I guess. They was probublee only pratendin so they coud teeze me, jus like them boys I grew up with. I was probublee a big jok to them.
Missus Mir-a and Zer spent time with me an I think they got me to the hospatal. Zer is a good frend I think. He stayd with me til I feld asleep. Missus Mir-a casted magics on me so I coud have the strenth to stand.
I lost the lok of hair Rylian gavd me. All I got now is the ribbin I tyd it in. Im alon now in the hospatal. Im lonlee and I wish my mum was here.
I was awak til veree errlee in the mornin watchin Sil sleep. She sed she was scared of sleepin alon. She changd lots. She sed her confadinss was takin frum her. I dunno, I dun realy unnerstand it all. In the small light of Balor rizin, I sneekd out givin her a few coins so she dint woree so much bout that stuff.
I went into the woods and sat by the pahnd pond. I feld asleep by it as Cymur startid to rize. I had a dreem. It wunt scary, but it made my hart feel strange whin I wokd up.
I dreemd that I was on a big feeld with lots of peepul. I had my spear and I was grippin it real tite in my hands. Evaryone was killin each other, but I dint git hurt. Nothin could touch me. Peepul tryd to kill me, but ther blad woud cach air. I had lots of blood on me, but nun of it was mine. I coud tast salt in my mouth frum other peepuls blood. It made me happy.
I killd and killd. Peepul dyin evarywhere. I walkd over lims and felt bons brek under my feet. I felt a big smile on my face. Big one, not like how I usalee smile, a sloppy grin, filled up with anger and a crazee joy. It felt....realy realy good. I killd and killd. Peepul dyin all around me. I stod on a mountin of corpsis. Whin evaryone was dead I laffd and laffd. Loud crazy laffin. I felt like a warrier. I liked it. I liked it lots.
I lookd at the sky and it was red. A bright red, jus how I like. I lookd at the feeld and it was red. I lookd at my hands and they was red. Evarythin was red...red like blood. I liked it.
Then I lookd down at the faces. They was all my frends and famlee. I dint see who I was killin as I killd them. I saw nuthin, I onlee felt the joy of battle. The grass turnd to red strings and wrapd me up, holdin me in one place. The peepul came to life and woudnt look at me. I laffd, I dunno. I laffd frum deep inside.
The red strings held me in place and in the red sky, Cymur set, leavin me alon with Balor. The clouds in the sky swirld round Balor and turnd into a lissert. The lissert lookd at me and smiled. I never seen a lissert smile bafer, but this one did. It smiled, then opind its big mouth and struk me with litning that shot from out its throte. It dint hurt nun.
Then the blue sun seemed to rise agin, follad by the red moon. Evarythin was red cept Balor and the lissert. Even I turnd red. I was held by red threds. The sun turnd into a man and the moon turnd into a woman and they held hands and walkd to me. I coudnt move attall.
They each kissd my cheek, lickin blood frum it. I felt my hart stop. I guess I died in my dreem, but it dint hurt nun. I was pulld into the ground by the red strings and the man and woman seemd to fly away frum me. I herd myself callin for them...I calld loud as I coud, but it seemd only like a wispur. "Mommy! Daddy!" I calld to them, but they were gone and I was also gone, in the ground.
I wokd up then.
I felt verree strange. I always have strange dreems whin I sleep durin the day I think. I shoud stop fallin asleep then I think. I dun usalee think nuthin of dreems, but sumthin told me I shoud write this one down bafer it faded away frum me.
Taday lots of stuff happind. I dun realy ramember all of it cuz so much of it happind. There was lots of talkin and peepul sayin stuff. I dun realy ramember evarythin. I lernd Missus Arlena has a lot of money wantid for her cuz peepul think she has plag. Sil dunt think she duz. So she must not.
I talkd with Rylian also. He sed I have niss brayds. He touchd them lots. He told me bout his dreem with moons and eyes and a tower. It was very innerestin. He ast me bout my past and bout Niko and I told him what happind. Hes the first one to realy take innerest in me like that. It feels kinda good fer sumone to wonder bout me. He and I are simlar I think. We wonder bout thins and bout peepul. We talkd for a long time. I lernd he was a slav and he follas Morhiag. I lernd he lovd a purty lady very much but coudnt save her like I coudnt save Niko. We talkd bout how we both have a tempur problim.
It is good that sumone understands me. It maks me feel warm on the inside.
Sil seemd strang in the night tho. She startid talkin bout Syakala and losin her magics to make Missus Arlena better. I dunno, I got veree confuzed by what she was tryin to say. I dun no much bout Syakala, but Sil sed he was the God of hunter and farmers. She sed she praed to him for a cur.
I dun realy unnerstand what happind. I'll have to think bout it lots and lots. Sil is a good persin. I dint even think to do nothin like that fer Arlena. I dun no why evaryone wants to avoid death so much. Mebbe Sil wanned Missus Arlena tah have thah privlege to die in battle. I wanna die like that. Its veree honarabal.
Sil also sed that Syakala woud bless my spear fer huntin, but I dint unnerstand that nun attall. A wepin shoud be blessid by Balor. Its fer fitn with, if Balor blessis it, itll make you strong whin you fite.
Taday I made a new frend. He was a frend of Sil, but they had a argumint over sumthin. His name is Rylian. I herd lots of peepul speekin bad bout him and it made me mad bafer cuz they was talkin bahind his back. Wich is veree rude. My mum sed not to do that unless you have sumthin good to say. I said Rylian just needid a frend and it turns out that he did. Sumtimes I'm real smart bout thins like that.
Rylian has bright, curly red hair. Its veree niss. I like it lots and lots. Its my most favrit coler. I teld him that an he cut off a lil bit and gave it to me. I was veree happy. We talkd bout stuff no one else has ever asked me bout in my whole long time in Telantha. He asked me bout my tattoo and my scars and it turnd out we have lots in comin. I think it made him happy that I raspectid him and his goddiss, i think other peepul dun do that.
Rylian sed sumthin funee tho, he sed that me an Sil must be lovers. I lafd cuz we aint thats silee cuz we are both wemmin. I kinda wish Sil was a man tho, she makes me feel good. I dun think shed want to be a man cuz she has Areehim.
I feld asleep in the Entartainmint Hall whin Sil and her frend was talkin. I felt a lil embarrissed, but Sil dint make nuthin of it. She made me sum food with her magics. She sed her magics have bin actin funee latlee, but they seem as magicle to me as ever.
I had a hard day of cryin. I feeld like my hart feld into my shoos an got trod on in the rain. It was rainin taday. I herd frum Sil's Areehim thah Mount Yarsin is thah worstist place fer demmins. He sed that evaryone all the storees bout the beginnin of the demmins come frum my Mount Yarsin...frum my home... I sat in the rain fer a long time taday, thinkin bout my mum and why I was livin an she wunt no mor. Cuz I no she aint livin, I'd be stoopid to think she was. The demmins got her or mebbe the darkniss. She dint run away, she probly dint even have time to. Evaryone says the demmins camed frum my home and thats where the most demmins are. Demmin dun let no one live. Even I kin follo the dots on that one.
I thot bout why Im livin now. I thot lots bout it. I coud onlee git one anser. I'm alive cuz of a war. The war that made them kids orfins an made me have to bring them to Telantha. Im livin cuz Balor made a war. He has strings of fate all tyd on his fingers an he pulld mine so I woud live. I wanna no why he choosed me...mebbe it was a acksident?
Taday I feel slugish, my musles are like molasas. I practised lots taday in the woods. It feeld like this mornin went on twice. I dunno. Mebbe I jus lost trak of time. I do that lots. I was sittin on mushy pine needels thinkin bout stuff that I alredy fergit. I ramember wachin Balor rise in the sky early this mornin threw the trees. It was real windy. Cold wind to. The kind of stingee wind that dris up yer eyes. I hate that.
I feld asleep aganst a tree and I woke up and I swear Balor was risin agin. Mebbe it was a dreem. I went into town an finded that it was the sam day still. I think I dreemed up Balor risin the first time...or mebbe the seccin time. I dunno. I aint never seen the lil sun rise to tims in the mornin. I lookt at myself and my hands lookt funee in the dim light of Balor, evarythin felt like a dreem. Like I was doin sumthin I already dun. My hed was fuld up of fuzzeeniss.
I went to the Duke's Bounty and sat down, tryin to git my thots in order. My hed is mor mushy then normle taday. Even as Im writin I feel like its a dreem. I think Ill go walkin an mak my hed mor cleard up. Mebbe talk to sum peepul. Then Ill write mor.
I finalee sleept taday. I feld asleep in the common room of the Sleepin Satyr. I had gottin myself a cookee and a muffin. They were yummy. They was speshell treets I got fer myself cuz I sold a sheeth in the shop fer lots and lots of coins. One of Sil's frends gived me the sheeth and sed ifn it dint fit spears, I coud sell it. Well, my spear dint fit in it none so I seld it. Next to the shop was a bakery an they had cookees that lookd like mums cookees and I wanned one. The muffin I gitted jus cuz it looked yummy and I coudnt daside on wich one to git.
I ated my treets and ralaxed in the room with other peepul. Jirand was there and sum peepul I dint know real well. Bafer I new it, I was sleepin. I dint have no dreems atall. I had the quiet sleep I wannid. Whin I woked up evarythin was dark an evaryone was gone. Its a real funee feelin sittin by yerself in thah dark. It is like air feels hevee.
Agin I din't sleep none. Yestaday I spint most of the day with Zer and Sil. Zer was in a tizzee cuz he found a body. It was murder fer shur, leest thats what Sil and Zer sed an I baleeved them, they no mor bout stuffs like that. Zer said that the girl wuz preggers whin she was kilt. Whin I found the babee, it was mostly eattin by sumthin with big toofs. I pokt at the guts a lil bit cuz sumthin inside me sed I shoud. I felt it inside me, kinda like the angry darkniss got curaiss. I dunno, in the back of my head, I felt like I was screemin to myself to run and fle, but I coudnt, I just coudnt run away. All my insides were scard and shakin up into my stomik.
Whinever I seed the smile on the viktims face (thats the word Zer and Sil used lots, viktim) I coudnt help thinkin bout Niko an how he lookd whin I finlee pulled him outtah thah fire. I was thinkin this girl was lucky to have a face to smile with an eye to look with. She least looked happy, tho Sil sed her face was aranged to look like that. Niko dint even have eyes to look with, they was oozin frum bein burst frum heat, like whin yah throw them fish heds into the fire. Whin I told Sil Id seen worss, I was thinkin bout Niko. I dunno if it was really worsser, but inside it felt like it.
I'm tyerd and I wanna sleep. But I dunt wanna have any dreems no mor. I wanna have a quiet sleep. I allso wanna have a quiet life with no mor ded peepul innit.
I havnt bin able to sleep very well latlee. I dunno why ether, but I spose its cuz I keep havin a dreem. Whin I sleep I bin havin dreems about home. I see all them kids who called me names. I see them kids I hurt after the fire and therr all lafin at me. "Stand on yer hands fer us Tzoli. Juggle these dog turds fer us Tzoli...do it do it! Do it or we'rr gonna set him on fire! We'rr gonna burn yer frend!!" They scream this at me over an over again in my dreem, just like bafer. I hant thot of this in a real long time, but this dreem keeps me awake all night. This dreem aint that bad, its whin I dreem of my mum that I wake up with my face wet.
I bin thinkin bout home lots more latlee. More then in all the years I bin in Telantha. I bin thinkin bout Niko and mum a lot. I wish I had a frend like Niko here. Sumone who would play with me and tell storees with me. Sumone who would hold me whin I feel bad. Niko always took time to be with me, he never said nuthin whin them boys teased him cuz of me or nuthin. Niko wouda bin a real good husband fer me I think. He wouda told me things I'm good at.
I'm sittin in the Sleepin Satyr right now listenin to all the peepul talkin. Jirand and Sil are ignorin me, talkin to peepul they think are more importint and problee are. I feel lonlee right now. Real lonlee. More then I ever felt bafer cept fer right after Niko burned up in the fire.
I miss tellin storees. No one round here tells them. I've bin thinkin I shoud start tellin them, but I dunno if peepul here will understand them or preshiate them. Most Peepul here are real serius. Sil and Jirand tend to be a lil more able to laf then most, but I dun think Ive ever seen anyone cept them laf or smile a real frendlee smile. It makes me sad inside.
Missus Priestiss Sky had an bad encounter with sumone. She was real real reeeeeal scared even after evarythin happined. It was like she had never realy bin scard of nuthin bafer then. I dunno, mebbe I dunno nuthin like I'm baginin to think is true. She is luckee to have sumone who will res-q her tho. I dunno how her man idil new to find her, but he did. I think that means he feels her inside of him and they are tied tagither by a red thred. Fate binds them real close, even on the inside of them in their soft squishy bits.
I aint never had anyone like that. Niko was the closist thing I had, but I wunt able to save him in time frum burnin up. I tryed and tryed real hard. I ramember how hot the flames were and sumtimes I think I still feel them burnin my hands and arms up, but I look down and I jus see my hands. I ramember the smel of burnin skin and hair. I dint feel any pain then, I got dryed up inside frum the fire I think. I dun think I ever bin fraid sinse Niko died. I ustah git scared all the time that them boys woud hurt him. Now I jus git angry. I git angry lots.
Its real late at night right now as I'm writin. Its real still and quiet evarywhere. My hands hurt and its hard to hold thius pensil to write cuz I bin praticin with my spear. I have real big blisters all over my palms and the ake sumthin fearss. Mebbe the cold is makin them hurt more. I still got this feelin of cold deep down inside me, but I no I gotta do sumthin despite it. Its like this coldniss is tryin to eat me up along with the black angryniss. I dunno. My head akes latlee. I bin thinkin I should see a priest or sumthin, but I feel better after I bin up and about fer a while. I think me an the Darkfall just dun reelee git along.
I miss mums lamb stew and the sweet hot tea she would make fer me. I miss her rappin me up in a big comfee blankit and singin to me. I miss the feel of her holdin me, she always new how to make me feel good. I miss her storees and her lafter. I miss lots of stuff about her, but most of all, I just miss havin her to take care of me with her smiles and her soft voyss. I keep waitin fer her to git to Telantha to be with me. Sumtims I watch the gate just hopin that she will walk threw and see me. I dunt wanna think that the darkniss got her. Even the peepul I dint like in my home, I would give anythin to see them agin, jus so I new the darkniss dint get em.
Today I spent a real long time jus sittin around doin a bunch of nuthin. I was sittin in the Common room of the Duke's Bounty drinkin hot tea cuz fer some reesin I woked up with a chill inside a me. I just felt cold and shivery all day, like I had swallad ice and it filled me all up and froze my bones or sumthin. So, I spent mostah thah day tryin tah git warmed up agin.
Lotsah people came by thah common room, includin Priestiss Sky and mister Jirand. ..
There was also this noble woman who came by, but she was real...dunno, snooty and stiff, then all dafensive bout it like she wunt like that atall. She got real mad whin she asked me an I spoke the truth tah her, its like she was shocked by her own stiffniss an unwelcomin nature. She puffed herself up real big and tried tah look down on me, but I was taller then her and I think that made her even madder cuz she couldn' look down on me like she was wantin. She was rude and mean, not acceptin handshakes or sum of my tea, like I was dirty and not worth her time, cept tah dafend her "kindly nature" to.
Ah well, that's not here or there. I spent lotsah time talkin with Jirand and Sky. They are real nice to me an always are good to talk to. I found out that Jirand wanned to be a sailer before the darkness came. Now, he like tailerin better. That rhymes, I aint noticed bafer. I wonder if he knows that? Mebbe I'll tell him next time I see him. Me and him talked lots, he finished his poshins and he had two of each one he coud make, so, as a xperament we tried em tagether so he woudnt feel bad bout poisinin me if they was poisin. One of them made me feel all warm inside, like I couda walked fer twelve days! The other made me feel like I was fulled up of energy an stuff. I thot that he should sell them poshins to rich nobles as youth formlas, but he said he dint much care fer makin poshins, he prafered sewin.
I like Jirand. Hesa real nice man. He treats me nice an I think he jus wants to liive quiet like, like me. He woud make a good husbind I think, mebbe not fer me, but fer sumone. Evaryone 'round here seems to marry the persin they wanna insted of the persin arranged to them. Its strange to me.
I no I aint real smart. School was real hard fer me and I aint got no head fer ramemberin things. I'm beginnin to think I aint got no talents at all. I kin only fight when I git all eaten up by that angry thing inside of me. I mean I gotten intah sum fights whin I was still Tzoli an more often then no I won, but I only git real real good whin I'm not me anymore.
Evaryone keeps tellin me that evary one has sumthin they'rr good at, but no one ever tells me sumthin I'm good at. S'like they dun want me tah feel bad fer bein so useless. I figger that fate will lead me into bein what I'm spostah be. I baleeve that deep inside of me. When the time comes, I'll just no that I'm spostah do what it is I was ment fer.
Missus Priestiss Sky said I should think about bein a priestiss cuz they live a quiet life, wich is sumthin I wanna live. I dunno, I think if a God wans me to speek fer them, theyll come down an tell me to. They'll choose me. Mebbe I was already chosin by one, but I dun know it yet. I spose anythin is posabal.
My mum always said that my pa was a real good fallaher of Balor. He wunt a priest er nuthin, he just did stuff fer him. I dunno really wqat that means, but I suppose it means he was good to Balor. Mebbe I should be more like my pa the way my mum said I am. I dunno. It all makes my head hurt.
After the rain stopped and I had dried all the way to the inside of me, I found myself a job. Its a purty good job. This fella I met sevaral times, but never new his name offered me a job huntin herbs fer him. He said he woud pay me 10 gold fer evary bunch of holly berrees I found. I dint think I coud make him pay so much fer them, I mean they sell em in the store fer like 5 coins dapendin where. I no I shoudnt have said nuthin, but it just came fallin out of my mouth. Sumtimes my thoughts dont really stop between thinkin them and sayin them.
Anyway, Jirand and I struck up a deal. That was the fellas name, Jirand. He'll pay me five coins fer evary bundle of berrees I bring him...
So, when I was all dried up and warmed threw, I went out lookin fer berrees. I found lots of other herbs as well, so I sold them at the encampment southerly of Telantha cuz that Apothacary (I copeed that frum his sign, isnt it a neat word...rolls off of the tung) pays more fer herbs. I did manage to find sum berrees, but not as many as I wanted. But, by the time I was exhaustid frum gatherin, I reelized I had more then enuff coins to buy that spear!!
I was so so so so sooooo happy that I ran real real fast all the way back to Telantha. I must of looked like a mad woman runnin through the streets the way I was. But I got to the shop and bought my spear. Its all shinee and sharp.
I wanned to show my frends right away. I felt all bubbly inside, like if I dint tell sumone, I'd simple xplode!! BOOM! Tzoli guts and innards all over the place! I dint think anyone would like to see that so I ran over to The Enertainment Hell where I know Sil an her frends like tah go. I was hopin Sil would be there cuz I coudnt think of anyone else to show my new prize.
She was there! I showed her my spear and she liked it bunched and bunches. She was there with her frends. They were all gettin into a fight over sum person whose name startid with a 'Za' I dun ramember what it was though. The man there made Sil cry. It made me real real mad to see my frend cryin an sumthin came over me an bafer I knew it, I was yellin at the man, sayin he best apolagize to her. I was so angry an I dun even know where all that angry feelin came frum. I wanned to hit him, I coud feel that urge biting at me, eatin me all up. But then, Sil touched me an said not to do nuthin. That feelin ran away frum me. But I was real scared that it woud come back an finish eatin me all up, so I left that place.
I'm scared of that feelin that tried to eat me up, its like its trying to make no more Tzoli inside of me. The last time it ate me up, I nearly killed that boy who was throwin rocks at Niko. Cuz of me, he coudnt walk no more, much less run and play with his frends. I hate that thing. HATE! I hate it so much I wanna rip myself open and try to pull it out.
Oh well. I should sleep a lil bit. I can write more tamarow.
Today it rained lots. Lots and lots and lots and lots. I hate rain, espesially when I'm tryin to make monies. I can't do nuthin when its rainin. I kinna cach fishes or gather herbs or nuthin. I'm tryin real hard to save up fer that spear I want, but I get all impashent. I no it aint doin any good to be that way, but I kinna help it. Mebbe its just how I was made up.
I have bin lookin for a job around the city. I went to lots of places, one man was espesialy rude to me. He called me lots of mean things and I dint even say nothin mean to him.
This is how it went...
I went to the inn and said I woul like the job posted about on the board. He asked me some questions about myself and I answered them all truthful as I was able to. When I dint know an answer I said so and when I fergeted sumthin I said so also. I no I aint got the bestest memry in the world, but I try real hard and I am willin to work hard. Well, this man said to me, in a big loud voice with spit all comin out as he spoke, he say "You arnt fit to wash the chamber pots here, you are probably the dumbest, most worthless person I have ever laid my eyes on. On top of that, I woudnt hire you as a bar wench becuz you are also the ugliest person...I dare to say woman...I have ever seen." I ramember wat he said cuz it kept repeetin over an over and over in my head as I walkd out of there.
I dunno if I was cryin by the time I got to the Dukes Bounty cuz while I was in tryin to git a job, it startid to rain real real hard. I got real wet an cold, my teeth were all chattery. I felt like ice was inside of my skin, mebbe it was. I got to the common room to thaw out and write down everythin that happined befer I fergetted it.
I seem to find myself always out in the middle of the night. All the men types are always tellin me that I shoul go inside cuz bein outside ain't no place fer a lady. They say that sumon is gunna "git off" on me or sumthin. Well, I ain't never hadah problem with people gittin off or on to me. I ain't never had any problem with men types cept fer the regular stuff. Most of the men I new always made fun of me and Niko, callin me names and stuff. I no I got into fights, but I dun ramember much of them cept that I no I defanitly won cuz I was always pulled off of the people I was fightin and I usaly had blood on my hands.
But I spose no one round the city here nos nuthin about me. I dunt really have any frends who are that close to me. I spose Sil is my frend, but I dunt really see her lots, she is usaly off with the smirkin man who I kinna ever member his name. Now that I think bout it, no one in the city really nos all that much bout me. Some no more then others, but I ain't really sat down an talked with anyone. Mebbe I will soon make sum frends that I kin talk with.
Today I did lots of stuff. I found a whole lot of coins taday! After going to the sherriff and askin around, I found out that they din't really balong to anyone. It must of bin a gift from the Gods fer me! With the coins I found, I bought myself sum real nice cloths with my fav'rite colors! Red! Lots an lots of red! I love that color. It's, I dunno, shiny to me. I reminds me of my mum I rekkin. She had real bright bright red hair and pale skin. My pa was apparintly the dark skinned one and I got my color frum him. Before I start going on bout my mum and pa, I wuz writin bout my new cloths.
I got me a real nice pair of pant with bright red 'X's' stitched all down em. I alsa got me a real good shirt and a dark red bodice so I kin look a lil bit prasentable. I mean the other day, there wuz this noble in the square and I mustah looked quite a mess to her. I got a bright red scarf cuz I saw it and I jus new I had to have it. It wuz a lil bit of a impulse, but it wuz good I think cuz its purty cold out right now. I alsa bought a real nice dark red cloak with gold stichin to bundle up in. I'm real proud of my new outfit cuz I think its purty fashinable. Mebbe I jus think its fashinable cuz I like all the red in it.
I am still savin fer my wepin cuz I wanned to do that all on my own. I think mebbe if I have to work hard at gittin coins fer my wepin itll pay off an I'll git extra good luck fer findin a mentor or sumthin. Mebbe the Gods will notice that I bin workin hard an they will give me a boot in the right way.
I've bin savin up lots so I can buy myself one of them neat spears I seen in the shop. I did some calculation and I found out I only need like 88 more coins to git the weapin I want.
Recently I bin makin a few friends who're helpin me out with everythin. I know I ain't real good at very many thins, but they bin encouragin me to find sumthin I am good at. My friend Sil has bin especially saportive of me. She say thah I'm gunna find sumthin that I'm good at cuz everyone has got sumthin...like a hidden talent or sumthin. I wanna try to be like her, but I know I'll have to work real real hard. Missus Priestess Skye has also bin real encouragin.
Sumtimes I feel like a real meathead cuz everyone around is so smart. Sil can do magic even! Sumthin I ain't never gonna be able to git. I met sumone else who could do real hard calculations in his head! I feel like I got so much catchin up to do and even my extra long legs kinna keep up with everyone else.
My name is Tzoli Xolani Azuka Kita. I was born in the year 42 in the middle of the summer. My mum said it was the hottest day of the whole year, but I wun't really there so I kinna really say fer sure. Least of all, I kinna remember. I think I was born on a Blooday, I dun quite remember what my mum told me. I ain't really so good at rememberin things like that. I do remember that I'm named after my da. It means 'strength of the sun'. I dun think I'll ever ferget that so long as I live, mostly cuz my mum told me nearly everyday. My da died befer I was born, so I dun really know nuthin about him. My mum said that he died in a war, sumthin about a land dispute or sumthin. I dunno where I go the name Xolani frum, but my mum sed it means 'gods fergive her'. I always wunder what it is I am sposd to be fergivin fer. Azuka is so I life up to my past lives, cuz my mum sed I was a warrier in my past life, so it means 'past glory'.
I bought myself this journal. Its kinda like the one my Auntie Cici gaved me fer my birthday a few years back. I ain't real good at rememberin, but I try real hard not to ferget the importint things....
I tell myself everything that I shoun't ferget everyday bafer I go to sleep and then again when I wake up. I still manage to ferget a whole lot of things, but I still remember all the big thins.
My mum is a farmer. I was gonna be a farmer alsa, but I ain't no good at it. Plants dun wanna grow fer me. They get all brown and wilty and stuff. I ustah go tah school, but I just din't have any head fer all those books and numbers. I ustah git awful headaches frum all that thinkin people wanted me to do. I couldn't ever remember all those names and dates and stuff. I stopped goin to school cuz all them kids made funnah me an I would git intah fights with all the boys an stuff. My mum said I shouldn't fight with anyone littler en me, so I hadtah stop fightin everyone cuz I'm lots taller then them, but ya know, If yah put us on thah scales, I'll bet mostah them boys were actually a lot bigger then me.
I got intah lots of trouble when I beat up one of them boys real bad. I mustah just lost my head completely cuz I dun really remember beatin him up so bad. He was pickin on my friend Niko an I jus hate when people do that. My mum ustah say that me an Niko were gonna git married when I turned sixteen, but the darkness came and everything changed after that. I'm kinda glad Niko din't live tah see all the darkness and stuff. Anyway, Niko was the only person who would marry me cuz I ain't really to smart and I ain't got no head fer doin much of anything other then fightin. I remember that boy always sayin that only a blind man would marry a ugly idiot like me. He was probly right. Me and Niko got along well and were friends.
That boy hit Niko with a rock and made him fall. Niko mustah hit his head cuz blood was coming out of everywhere. I dunno what really happened cuz I jus started hittin that boy who threw that rock. I remember sum of them other boys all on top of me a lil bit later, holdin me down. That boy was all mussed up and my mum was real mad at me fer what I did. The priest said that I was gonna bring bad things to everyone cuz I had a shadow on my heart. I remember that, but I dunno what it means tah have a shadow on yer heart. Maybe its kinda
like that darkness that came a few years later, after Niko was dead from that fire.
I tried real hard not to lose my temper and to be nice to everyone cuz thats what my mum said wa right. I think if the priests had seen me bein so good, they would have told me that that shadow was all gone. I learned how to sew, but I wun't very good at it. I wun't very good at cookin neither. After Niko died and I din't have no one to marry me, I tried bein an apprentice to the cobbler, but I had no head fer it. I tried to git people to let me learn how to use some weapons like my da, but everyone said I was to dumb and to skinny to learn anything. I showed them though. I got real good at usin the long spears the guards used by watchin them practice. I could outrun them stupid guards also. And I was way more bendy then them. Yep, I couldah bin the best guard in our village if the darkness hadn't come.
I dun really when the darkness came, but I remember all them people. Lots ah poeple came to my village. I remember how scared all of them looked. Half dead...thats how they looked in their eyes, half-dead. My mum let sum of the children stay with us. I liked them kids. We played and stuff. All of them were sad though, the inside kind of sad. I was sad like that when Niko died, but them kids, I dun think that the inside sad will ever go away fer them.
The people in Telantha say I'm lucky. They say I mustuv got Balor's luck. I dunno why they say this. They say that I mustah left my village just before the darkness hit us. Maybe I did, I dunno. Everyone tells me my mum is dead now, but I dun really believe them. They say everyone in my village must be dead cept fer me and the two little children I brought from there to their families here in the city. It's bin five years since I came here and I just now bought myself this new journal to replace the one I got frum my Aunty Cici fer my birthday. Lots of people here have that deep inside sad to em, but I always smile to them and say things ain't really that bad, cuz, so far as I kin tell, they ain't.