I am stil in the tempal waiting fer stuff. I do not evin reelee no what I am waiting fer no mor. Its like I am siting here just waiting for something to happin. I left yestaday and got sum food and sumthing to drink. I stumbaled back here and felld ahsleep.
I had a dreem. I dreemed I was a bird and flew and flew and flew. I had white and red wing fethurs and a long long fluffy tale of brite red fethurs. I flew up into the clowds and lookt down on evarything. I saw Telantha in the lite of Balor and I saw all the darkniss all arond creeping in and out like it was breething. It was like the darkniss was crawling. There was no othur birds to fly with me and I was sad. So I flew away frum Telantha and found the see. I flyd over the see and saw lots of birds like me. We all flew tagethir. It was niss cuz I was free.
Then I had a nitemare. I dreemt my fethurs felld out and I felld down onto the ground. After a while I was tied down on the ground and ugly monstur peepul was poking me with theez long metal things that was not wepins, but sumthing else. They smelt like blood and laft and laft at me. I was a persin agin. They stroked my hairs and breethd on me. They had breth like rottid stuff, it was yukee. They sed it was my time and they took a niff and cuttid me opin. They took off my hed bone and poked at my brains. It was like hurting I aint never felt bafer. Then I reelized that wunt me, but the persin next to me and the room was full of peepuls like me. I coudnt shut out the hurting evin tho it wunt mine. Sadniss driftid in the air and smelt bad to me, it was hevee and I think it held me down mor then the big straps on my arms. Then the meen ugly monster peepul came fer me with the big niffs and toothy niffs for grinding bones. I screemt and screemt and screemt. They sed my secind baby wunt good anuff, not like my first so all my goodniss as a breeder had bin used up. I was still screeming whin I woked up.
It has bin manee days sinss I have bin abal to write. I think my hed got all wobbly on my neck and I needid time to turn it back on tite. It is not evaryday that whin you ask fer a sine you git one. Melchior gived me a sign and all the rest of us. I dunno how manee days ago it was aneemor. I have bin siting and siting. I have bin siting in the tempal waiting for Rylian to come back frum Annwn. His Narus killt him, rite in front of evaryone. She tore out his throt with her claws. I was angry and hurt whin I saw this. I dint know what tah do. I held him in my arms and stuff. There was lots of red on red on red.
I wannid to hurt her bak, but I coudn't cuz I am loyal, more loyal then the others like me I think. I prayt for something to happin cuz the cappin was there an he was gunna take her away an I was told whin they take us away they torture and then kill us. Humins and ther laws is sumtimes jus as bad as the Vek monsters. We gotta stik tagethir and help eech othar. I prayt for Melchior's help.
There was a light and it swirls all round me. It made me feel veree calm and happee. It was like it touchd my hart the way my mum woud. Gentil touchis all ovar like feathers. Evin the big Skrel was scart. His eyes got all buggy in his hed and he tript over sum chares. He is a bully, he will fit in with all the gard bullees. The light tunrd into a big spiral around my feet Me and Rylian's body was in the middle of it and it grew and grew and grew til it covert the whole room. Then it took away Rylian's body frum me. That made me sad, but it was fine sinss Melchior did it. Then Melchior made all the peepuls who wunt chosin by Him fergit what happind.
I wondar if Rylian coud see frum up in Annwn what was happenin. I wundar if peepul in Annwn kin see us and how we live. I think it woud be good if they coud cuz then my mum coud see me and mebbe she woud wanna come bak cross the river and see me agin. Then I think Rylian coud see me siting in the tempal waiting for him. I sed meen things to him bafer he was killt and I feel bad bout them cuz they was nothing but angry things. Melchior told me things and I was angry cuz Gods do not lie bout stuffs like that. I think I was hurtid by them. I was angry cuz Rylian dint choose me, he chose the narusis an they killt him aneeway. They wanna teech him with pain and hurt. They wanna make him all empteed out of hart.
I dunno how manee days I have bin siting here in the tempal, but I am lonlee now. I have bin prayin and I think I felld asleep sum, but I dunno. My dreems is scary and feel like I am ahwake. I wondar if I screem in my sleep. The preests dun say nuthin to me like the nursis. I think I have had sum ahwake memerees as well. I dunno evin whin I am sleeping no more.
I need to turn my hed on the right way so it dunt fall off my sholdars.
Hey all, I know it seems like I just totally fell off the end of the Earth. I assure you, gravity is indeed holding me firmly to the ground. Last week there was a lot of family stuff I had to do that didn't revolve around Hannukah. As you know, my Mother in Law had been dying of cancer, well, she died on the 5th. Last week was a week of the funeral, the wake and other such things. Things are getting better now, so I am around again.
I would like to thank Strega for making me Blog of the Month. I feel kind of bad getting it this month seeing as I am a great big posting failure for December. Ah well, I will be getting back into the swing of things. Promise. I will also have time to play again. Really!
As a side note, happy holidays to everyone: Yule, Christmas, Hannukah, Quanza, Festivus etc. Remember to go out and spend time with your families and friends and everything. Give your mom a big hug and eat some nice holiday treats.
I was disapeerd. I was takin to this plass of all wite. Evarything there was wite eksept for me. I was dark and ugly and all alone. For a time I thot I was ded and that Annwn was not real. I felt veree empty there. Then Melchior came to me. I was not ever ekspekting a God to want to talk to me. He wannid me to tell the Truth. I think mebbe He did not want me to act happy all the time and like I did not hurt. I dunno. It is still veree confuzing to me evin now.
I think, for some reezin Melchior did not want me to be with Rylian. He made me test him. He made me make Rylian choose between me and his Narus. I have to admit this was a good idea cuz I can not trust his Narus evin tho she is like me. It is not her so much that I do not trust, but her Narus, the Vek man who made Rylian burn off his hand. Rylian sed he was Vek, I dunno, he seems like that kind of a monster. If Neophytes have to do evarything the Narusis say, I think I do not want someone I love to have to do what a Vek monster says. I think that man wants his neophytes to get all empty, then fulld up with hate and nothing else. I think he wants them to be so angry at evarything that they are nothing but dolls he can put his ideas in. I think he just wants them filld up with hate. I do not no how Missus Nibrilla can do it.
Melchior helpt me lots I think. He told me about the lies Rylian told cuz I din't see them attall. He told me that Rylian problee was clouding his hart to me to make me think he loved me. I dunno, I always thot Rylian's feelins felt real. He sed he wannid to marry me and be with me, but he coudnt leeve his Narus. It made me happy that he wannid to marry me. I always thot I was the one who coud save Rylian frum the darkniss of hisself. I feel a deep down hurt now. One that stings in this empty place inside of me now. I wish Rylian woud come back and give me back the neckliss and ring and tell me that he left his Narusis so he coud be with me. I woud try veree hard to protekt him. I think I coud do it, I am much stronger now that I do not have lies in my hart.
Melchior made me stop telling myself lies. He wannid me to be Honist and He showd me a sword of sky-stone in the whit plass. I tried to reech out and grab it, but my arm was not long anuff. I feel like my arms is never long anuff. Mebbe if I am veree good and do not tell anamor lies, Melchior will give me that sword he showd me and help me lern to use it.
He told me it was okay for me to pray to Balor and to Him both. I think I should lern prayers fer all the Gods. That way I can treet them all the same like Melchior sed they wannid to be treetid. Mebbe if I worship all the Gods I will git stronger and smarter and better. I want to be a better persin than the other peepul round. I want to be good and not all selfish and ugly on the inside. I wanna be Honist and good and be abal to spread all round real joy and stuff. Mebbe if I do those things, I can have a husbind who Melchior likes and will not tell me lies and who will give me babees and be there to raise them up with me. Mebbe my husbind needs to be sumone else like me so they unnerstand stuff like I do. Mebbe it will be okay if my husbind is Dryth.
I am so angry at myself for not writting much the past few weeks. I suppose I have as good a reason as any, but I feel like I am somehow letting myself down. I originally intended to write something every day save for Saturday where I would post occasional stories and logs.
As most people who read this know, my Mother in Law is dying. She has cancer and it has finally beaten her and really everyone else in my family. I am caught up in all of this and trying my damndest to hold everyone together because I see them falling into little pieces before my eyes.
In life, there are few people who are honestly nice and kind people. There are few people who are unselfish and accepting. My mother in law was one of these people. She accepted me without question mearly because I made her son happy. She didn't care what I was like or even if she liked me or not, that was secondary to the happiness of the people around her.
Now I see everyone falling apart as she slowly drifts away. The doctors have given her a week or two at most. I am doing my best to be supportive of everyone, mostly my father in law because everytime I see him, I can see where his heart has sunken into the pit of his stomach. I know I cannot take away the hurt, but I do my best to take care of all the small things for him. (Like making sure he eats, has clean clothes, etc) I find myself reading a lot an writing, though I cannot quite bring myself to write here and it is driving me nuts.
I hope you all can understand why I am not updating every day as I was. I really am trying, though my time has been limited on the game. Ah well, such is life.
Unknown Coffin
Waking up to
the whispers of the wind
the telling of a pale white
willing sky.
They are the mother
of the decided
the brother
of the misunderstood.
Picking the dust out of the dust
leaves me half awake
and half dead
throwing ashes over some
unknown coffin.
Yestaday, I was training with Krallip with my mace. I praktissed dobal hard cuz I was late and had to make up fer it. I had to do one hunnert down-out-ups. It is an eksersize where you stand, kneel down onto your hands, kick your legs out behind you, pull them back and stand up agin. They are not reelee so bad, but one hunnert of them is lots. I thot I woud have to do push-ups err sumthing. Its okay, whin I was doin those thing I startid thinking bout sumthing else. I startid thinking bout what I would name all of my babees ifn I got as manee as I wannid.
I wanna have five boy and to girls. So, I startid thinking of names. The first boy will be named after my husbind. The seccind boy will git my name that is also my pa's name. My next boy will be called Tadelesh cuz it meens "Lucky". The forth boy will be called Nyack cuz it meens "Won't give up". And my last boy will be called "Ilo" cuz it meens "Light of the Sun brings joy" for Balor of corse. My girls will be called Kanoni (it meens "Littal bird" out of raspect fer Melchior) and Naja (it meens "strong and proud").
Thinking bout this made it eezee to do the eksersizis. I think that I am gitting strong fer my childrins. So they kin be saff and not woree over the things that I woree over. I want them all to be hapee. I think whin I find sumone who nos that childrins is 'sposed to be hapee, I'll cling ontah him. Mebbe Rylian thinks that. I dunno. I have not seen him fer a long time. I wish I new wher he was, but I do not. Peepul still tell me he wants to see me, but I kinna find him attall.