Tzoli's Red Leather Journal

Dreams of Silence

The blackness of sleep quickly falls into a white, not a field of white, but rather a field covered in white, in snow. A rare thing to see. The mountain in the distance is covered in the white powder, the field harvested and frosted as well. The small puffs of white fall from the sky though the window.

There is an inability to move, to yell, to do anything against the silent white death that falls from the sky. Pain shoot up the spine and to the head, burning like fire against the cold wind.

A voice, a soft woman's voice accompanied by a cool cloth on the forehead, "You'll get better my little star. You'll be fine when the fever breaks." Worry creeps into the voice as the onlooker attempts to speak, nothing but mumbling and ravings spewing forth.

The words get lost in the field of snow. The touch of comfort strained by the burning pain rushing through the body, enflaming every nerve.

Screaming.

Darkness.

Night falls and nothing is visible out the window. Sound is muted by the thick silence hanging over everything. A woman holding a small ball of golden light comes into view. Her mouth moves but no words can be heard. The onlooker tries to scream, but the sound is absorbed by the silence and the burning pain in the body.

A cup of white liquid pushed forward. Swallowed and bitter.

Spiraling darkness through the white silence.

drifting - floating

pain

fever

The eyes open and a woman is there, hand outward, praying silently.

The eyes close.

fever

pain

A thousand needles pierce the skin, carrying their ink into the body. The slice of a thin knife along the spine. The inability to move. The feeling of prayers amidst the silence.

floating

fire

snow

"You will hear me now my little star, you will hear me now."

The voice floats through the air, no longer muted by the silence. The window can be seen once more, the snow outside melted and gone. A small, child's hand reaches for it, finally able to move. It falls back to the bed. The fire is gone, the burning in the body.

tears

"Momma...momma...where are ya?"

A soft hand clutches the small one, wrapped around it. The face of a woman, soft and friendly. Braids hold her dark, smooth hair at her temples. She reaches her hand and runs it across the onlookers forehead. "Mommy's made you better. She's taken away your sickness. I won't ever let you go my little star. Never, I'll never let you go."

"Where did tha silince go momma? Evarythin wuz quiet...like the stuff fallin frum thah sky."

A frown crosses the woman's face, "Nothing fell from the sky little star. It was your fever dream."

"I don't unnerstand...."

And silence once again covers the mind, only this time, its a different sort of silence.

A haze, covering the mind like snow.

Cymur's Song of Spring

This is a song Tzoli learned in the Fallen Stars Orphanage where she stayed when she arrived in Telantha before the Cataclysm. She was only supposed to stay to wait for her mother to pick her up during the next caravan of goods shipment, but between the time she arrived and the time of the next shipment, the Cataclysm blew up most of her home.

The Spring has come to end Darkfall,
The Spring has come, so bless us all.

Telantha bathed in Cymur's light,
So we are safe from the blight,
We dance, we sing, we live in hope.
Because we are saved by Cymur's Might.

The Spring has come to end Darkfall,
The Spring has come so bless us all.

Every year we watch the Suns,
We pray for them to smite demons,
We dance, we sing, we live in hope,
Because the gold sun is our Patron.

The Spring has come to end Darkfall,
The Spring has come so bless us all.

This is the place where we'll grow strong,
This is the place we sign our song,
We dance, we sing, we live in hope,
Because this is the place that we belong.

The Spring has come to end Darkfall,
The Spring has come so bless us all.
The Spring has come, so, Cymur please, bless us all.

Song of Balor's Army

This is another song Tzoli learned about Balor's army. She learned this one from her mother as well, who learned it in turn from her father. (Who actually died on the day of her birth, though niether her mother nor Tzoli know that.)

Great Balor, from the mist of the shining sky,
Valiant hero, Blue Sun, from the mist of the shining sky,
In three bolts of the sky, in the entrance which opens Annwn,
At the river across the sky we wait,
In the Army of your heavenly warriors, we wait for you, at your rising.

At your rising, we are Warriors of the Sky.
At your rising you direct us.
At your rising you grant us cause.
Balor, direct us at your rising!

In the Highest summits of the sky,
At the time of Fate and Joy,
We, your servants, sing for you.
When Morhiag plucks up from this land, we cry for you to take us.
We give our hearts to Battle and Fate
So that we may shine brightly in the Blue Light.

At your rising, we are Warriors of the Sky.
At your rising you direct us.
At your rising you grant us cause.
Balor, direct us at your rising!

Covered in blood and glory, we rise up for you Balor.
We are the Warriors of the Sky.
Balor, great Balor, direct us at our rising.

Rise Up

This is a song Tzoli learned from her mother. It is not a hymn so much as a battle song, though she doesn't much know the difference.

The Blue Sun rises and so must we,
Rise up, Rise up! Walk toward our destiny.
The Blue Sun rises and guides us all,
Rise up, Rise up! Follow your Fate's call.

We bend, we break, we conquore ourselves
to fight the good fight or at least this fight.
Little girls and little boys all lost trying to find a way.
And the Blue Sun rises, bringing the new day
Bringing a new path we must take
A new Destiny left in the wake.

The Blue Sun rises and so must we,
Rise up, Rise up! Walk toward our destiny.
The Blue Sun rises and guides us all,
Rise up, Rise up! Follow your Fate's call.

We dream, we wake, we live these days
to open ourselves to the path we cannot take.
They say its very hard to leave behind the life we knew.
And the Blue Sun rises, making all of this true.
Making us grow, catching red strings
Our fate with the pendulum swings.

The Blue Sun rises and so must we,
Rise up, Rise up! Walk toward our destiny.
The Blue Sun rises and guides us all,
Rise up, Rise up! Follow your Fate's call.

Rise Up! Rise up! Balor, we rise up!

Dreams of White

'What now?'

'What comes next?'

'Who am I now?'

'What am I now?'

Questions spiral around and around, growing stronger and growing more desperate. The feelings of doubt are all that linger on the broken heart that is only one inch away from being a broken soul. Silence falls and wieghs everything down: choking, crushing, breaking the will that was once there.

Emptiness.

The visage of a young man, probably in his teens with bright red curly hair. He has two smiles, one is fake and one is real. The real one is soft and heart warming, the fake one is harsh and empty.

'He is lying to you, using you.'

Screams of denials. Pains of rejection. Whispers of loving words floating away like smoke. Everything is white, everything is pure on the heart of the adult who is still a child. A heart that submits to the Word because it is holy. A heart that also wishes to be holy. The heart submits so that it can grow stronger.

'What am I now?'

pain

Now, the heart has fallen white again. Clean, empty, broken but not cracked. It is in disrepair, but not filled with the shadow that once haunted it. Instead, it is filled with nothing. A nothing that even lacks something as substantial as a colour.

Floating.

Once again floating in the whiteness and forced to be honest. Forced to scream, forced to beg. But this time, there are no answers, no other voice. Just the field of white where there is no up and no down. There is no right and no wrong. It is nothingness.

'Where am I?'

'What is left for me now?'

Soon, even the voice, the lone and solitary voice fades from the head, from the mind. The lone voice that echoes in the field of white fades away. The emotions melt away and all is empty within as well as without.

For eternity, for time that cannot be measure, everything floats. Then, a crack forms. A break on the heart that was so close to falling apart. A single crack forms and this heart shouts.

'Is this what happens when everything is gone?'

And there is an echo from within.

'...when everything is gone.'

Dreams of Fire

The screams of a familiar voice, calling, shouting, begging. Smoke lingers in the air growing more intense along with the heat. Running forward into the flames, the tall barn red, not only from paint, but also from fire. Kicking the door down.

The voice screams, the words fading into the cries of pure agony. Burning hay, burning wood, burning flesh. The screams fade into the popping of he damp wood.

Guts of flame dance at the hem of the long, cotton and silks skirts.

Running. Searching.

The image of a burning body. Running, grabbing it despite the fire that covers it.

Outside, the sound of laughter bellows in the air. Childish, boyish laughter. 'The dummy is gunna die to save her little friend. Both of them are useless. Best they burn up and turn to smoke.' More laughter, cruel, horrible laughter.

Grabbing the body as it burns, no longer moving. The smell of burning flesh and hair chokes more than the smoke. Gagging through tears. 'No...no...don't die...I'll save yah. Niko...don't burn up...don't git burnt up. I'll save yah I promissed tah keep yah safe.'

Dragging the body as flames crawl up the dark skin of the arms.

pain

Choking and gagging on the smells, on the smoke. Falling down, the charred, burning body falling onto the long skirts, catching them aflame.

Panic.

Desperation as the onlooker tries to pulls herself free. The feeling of burning fat melting around hands and arms, burning them.

The cieling, fear as the onlooker watches a falling ball of fire that was once a bit of wood from the cieling. The ball of fire approaches. 'Balor...no.... I don't wanna die here..' The burning plank misses, landing to the right side of the person dragging the body.

The heart strengthens as she stands again, dragging the body from the building. Flames dance up the dark skin of the arms. Flames dance up the hems of the skirt. Heat and smoke dull the senses.

pain

The outside of the barn, the clear sky obstructed by smoke. The body burns, smoldering in the girl's lap upon the thick skirts. Screaming, agonizing screaming as the flames continue up her arms.

The voices of boys. Two faces looking down as the girl collapses onto the ground, weak, tired, unfocused and in pain. 'The moron and the invalid are gunna go ta Annwn tagether. Ain't they? Good riddance ta 'em. Jus draggin tha rest ah us down.' Laughter as the two boys laugh.

Attempts to move, to grab them as they run away.

Held down by pain.

'Momma! Momma help me! Momma! I don't wanna die...! MOMMA!'

Screaming.

Attempts to move away from the body, Fat melting into fat, flash melting onto flesh. Wailing, attempting to crawl away.

Flames consume everything around now. The onlooker, the sky, the earth. Everything is on fire. Pain lights up the senses. Pain weaves it's way into the soul.

A field of fire slowly melting away into a field of blood. Laughter. Horrible, maniacal laughter coming from the voice that was screaming. Colour fades away into darkness. Into shadow.

'You have a weak heart. I shall consume you in fire and blood.' Laughter, deep rich laughter.

Screaming

Dreams of Abandonment

A field of golden grain. Sitting on a porch, watching the suns set beyond them. The wind slowly blows over the field. Voices inside, muffled, but audible. In the distance a mountain, the rays of the Suns catching the peaks as they dowse the field of grain with light.

'She killed them Lady Kita. She killed them with her bare hands. She may not have known what she was doing, but it doesn't change the fact that she did it.'

The onlooker watches the grain roll like water in the wind, watching the golden waves catch the blue rays of the sinking sun.

A woman's voice, 'She is my daughter...my little girl. She's just like her father. Maybe she is her father.'

Another voice, 'She is nearly grown. With her betrothed dead, she will always need you. What will happen when you're gone? Who will protect her then when she loses her temper?'

The fields roll on, the sight blurring through watery eyes.

The woman's voice, 'I will not have her treated like a doll. I will not have her treated like a ghost. She isn't deaf.'

Feelings of overwhelming guilt and sadness. The fields roll and the sun sinks behind the mountain in the distance.

Wet cheeks.

The first voice, 'She killed them Lady Kita. She cannot stay here. You have to send her away, at least for a while. You have to send her away.'

A defiant woman's voice, 'Never! She is my child!'

'Lady Kita...if she stays here, we will have no choice but to kill her. You know the law.'

'I..I know.'

Growing feelings of failure and abandoment.

Shift in scene a pretty woman with dark skin and smooth black hair, two braids at her temples. 'I'll come for you Tzoli, I swear. You are my child. Be strong, be strong in Viroth. I'll come for you...Remember what I taught you. Write it all down so you don't forget.' The woman kisses the onlookers cheeks and forehead and hands.

Another shift, the city wall of Telantha. The voices of children all around. 'Tzoli Tzoli! We're here! Look, look! We're here!'

The growning feelings of sadness and lonliness growing like the walls in the field of vision.

Time rolling by like sand in an hour glass. The onlooker in a tree, staring over a wall, watching the gates of the city.

waiting

'She'll come...she promised. She'll come fer me.' Growing sense of abandonment and loss as emptiness filla the heart.

A woman in a long, shapeless brown robe, 'You have to leave now Tzoli, You cannot stay here any longer. You're too old to stay. We've gotten you a job.'

Grasping at the robes with scarred hands, 'No...please, lemme stay. Lemme stay ah lil longer. She'll come fer me...she'll come.'

'No, Tzoli, you have to go now. You may visit, but you cannot stay here any longer.'

Growing dispair and abandonment, fueled by feelings of lonliness.

A woman with dark skin and long hair, elegantly dressed as she carresses the onlooker as they sit in front of a fire on a plush, soft rug. 'You must always remember to smile Tzoli, always smile and show a brave face. Show your happy heart.'

Feelings of guilt, feelings of despondance.

Shift in scene to nothing but whiteness. 'Be honest...you must be honest with yourself.'

pain

Conflicts in the deep recesses of the soul.

The feeling of breaking.

The feeling of being swallowed up.

A stream of memories, of voices being shoved away. 'So pure are your intentions, that it is almost cruel that you be burdened with these worries.'

screaming

pain

Attempts to shove everything away, to forget.

Failure.

Breaking -- Shattering

'A restful peace at the end of a long road.'

Fading and falling into the well of lonliness and abandonment, followed by a heavy, choking silence.

OOC: Updates...

Well, since Tzoli doesn't currently have access to her journal, I am going to be doing a slight change in the updates until she gets it back. Instead of journal entries, I will be posting Tzoli's dreams. I may also post some songs and prayers she uses. Anyway, she is still an idiot, but these are things in her mind, not things she's writing down.

21st Day of the Beginning of Spring, Melday

I have bin waching the suns come up and down thru my littal window. I can not reelee see the suns cuz it is to small, but I see the lite and the dark. It is hard fer me heer. I keep thinking abot old things. Memerees I do not want to think abot cuz it is not who I am no mor. I hate cells, I hate bars. I hate this not being free.

My hed dont hurt so much no mor and that is good. I can more arond mor without gittin dizzee and falling down or throwing up. Most of the time, I just sit on the flor. The bench is so small. I look outside the bars and it is like I am almost on the othar side. I pulled mahself up to the window and lookt out. I held mahself there fer as long as I coud, but I coud not see much outside the window.

I think abot wat will happin to me and the othars. Do they no wat we are? Did they figger it out alreddee? If they do no, wat will happin to the othars who are not in jail? Are they still safe? Are peepul hunting fer them? I blame mahself fer all of this. I think wen I was angry I yelled dumb things. Lumen new wat his pray was. He new, he saw us helping him, he must have herd me shout. Did he figger it out? Did he?

I am scard of being questined by the gards. Evarytime I see one pass by I sit veree still, hoping they do not look my way. Sumtimes they do and I freeze, my hart feels like it is running into my throt. It is bad. I am scard of them wanting to ask me questins cuz I do not no if I can lie to them. I have to to keep my frends safe tho. I have to lie evin tho I promissed Melchior I woud be honist. I pray he fergives me for my lies if I shoud tell them, but I am still scard. I want to protekt the othars, but I do not no if I am strong anuff to.

I hide this journil in the secrit part of my bag and onlee rite at nite whin no gards are arond. I do not no wat woud happin if they found it. I think I woud be killt with the othars. I think they probablee will do that anaway. I do not want to die cuz I think I have things I still have to do. I want to live cuz I can do more to keep my promissis. If I am ded, then I broke them all. I do not want to be a liar.

19th Day of the Beginning of Spring, Blooday

I have bin doin my dates wrong. They do time diff'rint in Viroth then in Yarsin I gess. I lernt the new date yestarday aftar they throwed me in jail.

They let me keep my journal, but they tookt my wepins. I do not reelee undarstand why I got arrestid. I was just dafendin the peepul Melchior told me to. I do not like it here. It scars me. They sed they wannid to make me work in the mines. I do not like this. I am not free. I want to be free. I told that to Melchior and it is tru. I just want to be free. If I coud, I woud fly up in the sky and be free.

I do not like jail. My hed hurts were I got hit by that man in the cloak and armer. Wen I move too much I git all dizzee and fall down. Evarything turns black. I throw up sumtimes. I smell things that aint evin ther. I ramember things. I ramember horabal things I do not want to think abot. The smells tho, the smells mak me sik.

Sumone tol me once that if peepul figgered out wat I was, I woud git burnt up. I never never never want to git burnt up agin. The smell...the smell makes me ramember and it hurts me, makes me chok. I do not want to think abot thees things attall.

I can heer the othars in ther sells. I do not no were they are, but I heer them. I am veree sorry I was not strong anuff to help them. I was not strong anuff to keep my promiss.

I have to try hardar.

20th Day of the End of Spring, Morday

I finalee savd up anuff fer the Tournamint. I have not seen mistar Cravik to give them to him tho. I spend lots of time training. It is good and I feel like I am getting strongar.

I also fond myself in the libraree. I was walking arond and I fond myself in the liraree. It was like a pullee had me arond the middal. I sat down and it was like there was alreddee a book at the tabal fer me. It was abot Balor and his servints. I startid reading it. It was a veree hard book fer me. I only got to read three pagis. I do not evin ramember wat that are abot now. It was a veree hard book. I want to lern mor tho, so I am going back taday to try agin.

The book had lots of words I did not no in it. One of them was kismet. It seemed like an importint word so I writted it down. I alsa have the picture Mir-a drawed of the runes on my back so I kin look in the book and no wat they meen. She sed they was a prayer, but I want to no mor. It seems like they are sumthing veree importint if they are writtin on me. I hope the book has drawings in it to help me git thru sum of it.

I did find out that kismet is anothur word for Fate tho, so evin I lernt sumthing frum the three pagis I do not ramember. I hope I find out abot myself in the book. Mebbe if I lern I will not lose myself no mor.

18th Day of the End of Spring, Melday

I git confuzd abot words lots. I do not understand wat peepul meen wen they uze them.

Innocent.

That is a hard word fer me to git. I think sum peepul have diffarint meenings fer it. Sumone callt me innocent. I do not no if I am or not, but I did not understand why they calld me that. They tryd to eksplain it to me but I just got all confuzd. I think it made him angry at me that I did not understand it.

He alsa sed that cuz I am honist I must have morals. That is sumthin else I do not reelee understand. I have ideas, but I do not no wat a moral is. He tryd to eksplain that to me alsa, but evin he did not have words fer it. I ast arond to sum preests and the Ladees I stayd with. They sed peepul with morals are good peepul that do the rite thing. I think mebbe it is hard to have morals cuz I nevar no wat the rite thing to do is.

They sed rite is following the law. I think mebbe I do not have morals cuz if havin morals meens that, then I am a bad persin. I no were Missus Nybrylla is, but I do not tell the gard. I think I no who took the silks, but I do not tell the gard. I no who murdaers are, but I do not tell the gard. I no theives and assasins but I do not tell no one nuthing.

It hurts my hed to think abot things like this. So I will jus leev it alon. I see ideas in my hed, but they mov away frum me into a darkniss, into a fuzziniss. Like wen a word is on the tip of yer tong but you can not say it. It is like that with ideas fer me.

I think I shoud sleep. I do not want to, but I shoud. My hed hurts me and my body aks. I want to git strongar so I can face the Captin in the Tournamint. I do not no if I can win, but I want to face him there at the veree leest.

17th Day of the End of Spring, Elday

I onlee need 30 mor coins til I have anuff to entar in the Tournamint. I am workin extra hard to make the monies and to git strongar. I want to be extra extra strong and redde fer thah tournamint. I want to win. I have a fan evin! Sumone is gunna cheer fer me cuz she admires (I lookt up that word speshell) me. I aint nevar had no one admire me bafer. Usalee they jus call be names and laff. It is niss to have peepul givin yah feelins othar then hate and anger. I want to try hard not jus fer her and my frends, but fer evaryone! Balor and Melchior an evarythin. I wanna show them how strong I've gottin. I wanna show them I am good anuff fer them. I wanna show them I am trying to git bettar and be good fer them.

I gave Missus Nybrylla bak her sword, so the onlee one I got now is my wood one. Sinss I am no good with them anaway, I think this is OK. Whin I git good anuff, I will buy a niss one. One that fits in my hand rite. They are veree costlee. One sword costs 1200 coins. I dunno how manee that is, but it is a big big number that I cannot evin put on my fingers if I try.

I do not hardlee sleep no mor. I hate sleep. Feer and anger pushis me down whin I sleep. I feel like I chok on it. Ther are sum things I hope I nevar ramember abot my othar self. I think that is my othar self...mebbe evin othar selvs. I do not no reelee. I pray evary day to Melchior and evin to Balor that I nevar see them take away my othar selfs babees. I do not think I coud deel with that pain. The pain in the dreems is anuff now to make me hate them with all my being as it is.

I do not think I will be lukee anuff to have babees in this life. Soon I will be an old maid an no one will want me no mor. Not like anaone wants me now, but evin less whin I git my 20th summer. I do no ramembar anaone who evar got marreed aftar ther 20th summer bak home. I do not no anaone who got marreed heer neether. Evin if I look like a man, I stil wanna be a propar woman. I always use my mannars whin eeting and am always polite and sit propar. If I coud find a dress that fit me, I woud ware it. They do not make dressis fer man sized wemmin tho.

I will try my best. I always try my best.

16th Day of the End of Spring, Blooday

I traind lots taday. I do not ramember most ovit, but I think I did good. I pratendid to fite mahself. I always wondared what it woud be like if I fot mahself. I wondar if I woud win or if mah shadow self woud win. I think my shadow self woud. I picture the othar me as being sum of the things I am not. I think I hold back in battle. I dunno.

I have not see Relik sinss we walked arond the city. I telld him a story. It was rainin. I think it always rains heer. I am tird of rain.

Sumone else is gunna sacrafice themselves fer Zarika. Jus like Relik. I think All of my frend will soon be gone to Annwn cuz they leeve fer her. It makes me sad deep inside to see so manee of my frends want to leeve. Oh well, I ain't gunna be the one to chang no ones hart. I dun got that power ovar peepul.

Missus Venice invitid me to help the Gard hunt demmins in the marshis. She sed I coud make 100 golds fer evary hed I take. I nevar new that make so much monees fighting demmins. I had sumone help me with the arithmatiks and we came up with how long it woud take me to make that much jus frum workin...3 weeks! Three weeks or one demmin hed. Mebbe I can do both. Work and fite demmins. I like my job, but I do not make veree much monees. I spent almost half (I think) on one stake at the Wraith. I git bored of eeting fish sumtimes. Why is food so much? Evin breads are lots. I do not hardlee make anuff monees to eet, evin with workin fer thah butchar catchin fishis fer him. Most of the fish I cook are burnt up or jus yuckee. I will help the Gard in the marsh and hopefally I will make manee coins. Then I kin put sum away fer a house an sum away fer the arena I wanna build.

The last of the coins I got frum my mum will be fer the arena alsa. She woud want it like that. I woud name the arena fer her, but I nevar new her name. She was jus my mum. Sumtimes I think the onlee one who new her name must have bin grammy and grappy and my pa. Evin the peepul in town callt her Miss Kita or Lady Kita, sumtimes Dame Kita.

15th Day of the End of Spring, Sycaday

Yestaday I went and saw the children tell storees. They had good storees. They sung songs and evin had sum food fer peepul. I stayed until the end evin whin the othars had left. I was waiting fer Relik to come like he sed he woud, but he nevar did. I teld the children a story abot colers and gave them the candee I brot for them.

I saw sumone who was evil on the inside aftar that. He had the most horrabal thots I had evar seen. Evin worser than the Rats. I do not evin no the words fer the things he wannid to do to Missus Venice. It was the most horrabal thing I have evar seen or felt. I wannid to rip out his throt and beet him until he was nothing but a puddal. I think he is one of them...a Vek. I dunno. I can not think of anaone othar than a Vek having thots like that.

Relik gave his life to him tho. Relik sed he woud be a sacrafiss. That made me angry alsah. I almost hit Relik agin, but I did not. I think I brok my hand agin by punchin the ground. I wish I coud feel whin I do things like that. I nevar no cuz I can not feel my skins with the scars. Now tho, my hand is throbbing deep inside of it. That is why I think I broke my nukal agin. Oh well. It is onlee my rite hand anaway.

11th Day of the End of Spring, Melday

I spent lots of time with Relik taday. We sparred and that Skrel gard wacht us. He was thinking things that made me funny in my hed. He sed I shoud lose myself in the battal. I did not want to lose myself. I think that is wat happins wen I fergit things. I hurt Relik cuz my mind went funny. With the Skrel and him and me all in there, all I coud heer was the Skrel saying stuff abot Balor. For a seccind I wantid to show him, I was angry. Fer a seccind I thot I was fiteing him. I hit Relik too hard. If he hadnot sed nuthin and moved away frum me, I think I woud have hit him agin and agin.

Wen I hit him, I felt sumthing. It was like I had dun sumthing like that bafer. But I dun ramember it. For a seccind Relik wunt Relik, he was sumone else. He had dark skin like me and black puffy hairs like me. Wen I punched him in the stomach I saw that boy for jus a brief seccind. I saw that boy fall onta my fist with no air in him. Then nuthingniss agin.

The Skrel kept thinkin I shoud lose mahself. But I did not wanna git lost attall. I do not like losing mahself. I ramember all them preests holding me down and yelling and praying on me. I ramember them tellin me I was a monstar. I ramember them telling me I killt them boys. But, I do not ramember doing it. I think now, mebbe I did and I am scart of mahself all ovar agin. I pray to the Gods and to Balor in evary fite. I pray fer them to gide me. Mebbe it is them who make me git lost in the black and red part of me.

I do not want to lose mahself. I do not think that othar me is niss attall. But, if the Gods want it, then I have no choyss.

100th Entry!

Well, that last entry was my 100th!. Amazing eh? I didn't think 100 would role around so fast. Anyway, in honour of my 100th entry, here is a nifty tidbit I have been saving for such an occasion!

This is the Lizard Tattoo on Tzoli's back. It stretches from the base of her neck over to her right shoulder. The tail curls around the base of her neck and the lightning stretches over her shoulder blade. For my 500th entry, I will post an image of the runes that run down her spine....maybe.

10th Day of the End of Spring, Elday

Yestarday I was feeling like I was all empteed out of hope and happyniss so I went to see the ladees at the plass I stayed in whin I first got heer. I saw all the othar childrins. They was sewing and folding papers into flowars. They sed they was going to tell storees to peepul who came soon. They sed they made speshell storees abot spring and happy things.

Littal Jerrika told me her storee fer the Storytelling festival they are gunn have. It was a good storee abot talking flowars who grow and grow. The othar childrins all shart ther stoees alsa. It made me feel bettar. Then they sed I shoud come to ther festival. I sed I woud. I like childrins, they always make me feel bettar. They ast me to tell them a storee. So I did. I told them the storee of the Redcap and the Unripe Appal. I jus made it up fer them rite ther.

My storee was purty good. It was a storee abot a Redcap who always stole things, cuz thats wat redcaps do. He saw a bunch of unripe appals and stole them cuz they was a shiny coler and he thot they was jewils. Then he tookt them to the leader redcap queen and tryd to give them to her, but she laffed insted and took his cap away frum him. To ern his cap back, he had to git three othar redcaps to aksept him back and make hisself a new cap. Since redcap hats are red cuz they are stained with blood, he had to catch sumone and git their blood frum them.

It was a good storee. The childrins cheered and cheered. A littal girl, I think her name was Preeah gave me one of the paper flowars she made. I think I will go bak fer ther storee day. They want to sing me ther songs and tell me ther storees agin. They evin invitid me to share a storee with the othar peepul who show up.

I felt lots bettar aftar my vizit with them. My hart is all filled up with hope agin and I think I can beet my dowts away and do good things fer Balor and Melchior agin.

9th Day of the End of Spring, Blooday

The dreems...no...the memerees. Evary nite. I close my eyes and I am scart to see them. Evin my dreems now, my dreems are like my memerees. Worse, I think my hart makes them worse. I am week and I am scart of them, so evin whin I am not ramembering my dreems are nitemares.

I dreemed evaryone was a Vek. I dreemed my frends, my fam'lee..my mum evin. They circaled aond me, laffing at me. Like they new all along evaryone was Vek but me. I thot they woud kill me in my dreem, but they dint, the just kept gittin closer and closer. They would touch my hair and my face and I coud smell them and feel their uglyniss. To feel such things frum my mum...frum my frends...evin frum the othars like me. They circalt me and was going to eat me. But I woke up and screemt and screemt and screemt.

This was not a memeree. It was just a dreem. Evin dreems can hurt. SUmtimes mor then the memerees.

I am filled up with dowt. I am filled up with feer. Still I smile and laff with peepul. They expect it frum me. They need it mor then I do. I keep feelin like I am so much weeker then the othars. I am so much dummer. It fills me up with dowt. I feel like I am outside evarything, peepul and evin my brothars and sistars. How can I tell them this? How can I?

I confide in Melchior my dowts. I pray for Balor to make my hart strongar. I pray evaryday so hard. I nevar no wat to do. Things are eesier wen sumone jus tells you wat to do. I do not want to trobal the Gods with my week hart. I will git strongar and I will mak all of my dowts go away. I jus have to try harder.

I always have to try harder.

7th Day of the End of Spring, Yelsday

Taday I saw lots of peepuls. There was one that made me veree angry. It was a lital , fat merchint who was selling Vek blood. I dunno if it was reel, but he thot it was. He thot is was the reelist thing he had evar had. He needid monies to help sumone in the hospatal. He wannid a lot fer the blood, but I wannid it alsa. Sumone else buyd it bafer I could tho. Seehavee buyd it. It made me angry cuz he dont no nuthin abot Vek and he cannot hate them as much as me. I wannid to give the blood to Melchior and rid the world of anathing Vek.

I got so fulled up with angryniss. I thot I was gunna do sumthing bad. The thot of Vek blood being so valyabal made me so mad. I was angry at me fer not having more monees. I work reel hard, but I dont got nuthin to show fer it. No niss swords, no niss armers, no niss hous, nuthin. Evaryone arond me has so much monees. Whin I was lital I dont ramember my mum having to worry abot how many coins she had. She jus bot anathing she wannid and anathing I wannid.

I ramember whin my mum saw this silvar hair comb with a pretty stone on it. She got so happy to see it at markit. She bot it and held it up to the lite and the stone made sparkals evarywhere. Then she lookt at me and smild and bot a matching one fer me. She was so happy abot wat she bot that we went an got sumthin called iced creem. It was cold and hurt my teeths. I ramember her being so happy, her face was one big smile. I dont ramember wat the iced creem tastid like or evin wat it lookt like, but I think it must have bin good.

I reelee miss my mum. I wish I had takin more with me wen I left my home. I wish I had takin all of my combs and not just one small box of them. Mebbe sum of the sparklee necklissis and rings and sum silk scarffs fer putting over my hair like my mum always did fer me. I dint no I woud not evar see home agin wen I left tho. I dont think no one new it. Most of all tho, I wish my mum had come with me.

6th Day of the End of Spring, Morday

I have bin working veree hard lat'lee. I bin doin sum ekstra work fer the butchar gittin fishis as well as working at the Bounty. I am trying to make monies so I can entar in the Tournament of Might. I saw a postar fer it the othar day and Mistar Kravik talkt to me abot entaring. I was thinking if I entared and won sum monies, then I coud put half away fer a hous and put half away to save fer an arena fer Balor. I think Balor woud like an arena more than a tempal. I dunno tho.

I am training dubal hard so I can be strong anuff to do Balor and Melchior and the rest of the Gods good. I want to make them happee. I am trying to be fast and kwik and strong do I can win. I dunno if I will or not, but I am trying veree hard. I train until my mace gives me blistars on my hands and my scars bleed.

I want to do good. I want to show Melchior and Balor that I can do something rite fer them. I want to show them that I am trying veree hard to git bettar fer them. I am trying, but I want to be abal to proov it to them. I dunno who is entaring in the matchis, but I want to show Them I can do good to.

I alsa want to show the othars like me that I am strong and can help them. I want to show them I can help them. I want to show them I am not useliss and in the way. I want to show them I can do good things. But, most of them probalee wunt evin come and watch.

5th Day of the End of Spring, Camday

I was thinking the othar day. Wen did I get ust to being wat I am? Wen did I get used to heering wat I heer? Wen did I start to re-leye on it so much? Wen did I start to tak it fer grantid?

Makoto got arrestid cuz he sed he stabbd Fariz in front of a gard. They put me in the middal of them. Fariz wannid me to take his side and pertekt him frum Makoto and Makoto jus got angry. I hate wen my frends fite. Evaryone arond me is always fiting. Evaryone has hate and anger in them. Evin me. I put my anger away in a littal spot tho. A littal spot deep deep down so I fergit abot it. I do not want to be angry at no one eksept for Veks. Veks is monstars and daserve my hatrids at them. And Demmins. Vek and Demmins only tho.

I try veree hard to be niss and propar to evaryone. I try so hard. I heer the angry fites in my hed tho. I heer the hate and I cannot do nuthing abot it. For once, I want to heer thots of love and frendship. I want to heer happy things...joy...hope. I want to heer hope. No one has got no hope no mor. I think if no one else has got hope, why do I keep any in me?

1st Day of the End of Spring, Sycaday

Taday I had a day off of work. It was a good day I think. I saw Jirand and we talked fer a wile. He alsa helpt me lern sum mor abot the sword. He sed I coud try to git a hakee type of sword and it woud be mor like a mace. I dun no much abot swords so he and I went to the wepin smith and lookt at swords. I saw one I likt. Jirand sed it is callt a broadsword. It was good, with a wide blade and lookt hevee. I think if the blade is hevee like my mace, that will help me.

I sparred with Jirand and he had lots of skills. I tryd to copee him with his jabbee pokee movmints. I dint no that Jirand was so slow. I think I will have to try to pertect him alsa now. Mebbe Elbahn's Blessin that he is always talkin abot doesn't help to make you fast. Or mebbe I am jus luckee in battles. I think that is the most liklee thing, cus I pray to Balor and he gives fates and battle luckeeniss. I am glad I pray to Balor and Melchior cuz they help to make me fast and bendy and warrier like. I think that woud make my mum proud.

I do feel bad tho, cuz I sort of accidentily broke sum of Jirands armer with my training sword on aksidint. I felt bad fer messing up his armers. He sed it was okay cuz thats what armer is fer, but I still felt bad.

I alsah spent sum time with Makoto taday. He was working, but it was neer the end of his shift. Relik and sumone else, I think his name was Seehavee He was the same one who thot I movd like a warrier. He thot I shoud join the gard and whin I sparred with Makoto, he and Cravik talkt abot me. I think this made Makoto mad cuz he was distraktid frum fighting me. I think he throwed a knife at one of them and yelled lots. I was consintrating on the fight tho. I felt bad cuz I noked him down by kiking his legs out frum him. I dint meen to, but he attakt me frum bahind. It was sumthin that jus cam out of me without me evin thinkin abot it.

I felt so bad I evin stopped the fight , then lots of peepul was yelling at each othar. I dint want to git in the middle so I sneeked away...well, I guess I ran away more then anathin. I'll have to 'pologize later on.

35th Day of the 2nd Middle of Spring, Yelsday

All this mornin I practissed sparring with Fariz, his frend Jaeder and Relik. Well, Relik din't spar nun, but he watched and gave hints on what tah do. I dint reelize I had gottin sah fast and bendy. Them boy coud not evin touch me. With Fariz I went ezee on him cuz he was in the hospatal til jus recintlee. I helpt Fariz lern sum things my mum taht me, abot watchin hips and feet fer movemints an stuff. abot how tah stay on the ball ah yer foot an stuff.

Sumone else cam tah watch us later aftar Relik left fer work. He thot I movd like a warrier! This made me veree happy and I thanked Balor and Melchior and mostlee Balor right there in the middle of the mach. It was like I was finlee good at sumthin and I dint evin no I was good at it. I am not so good at the sword yet, but I am trying to git bettar fastar now. I want to practiss with it more and more. I promissed that persin who was watchin that I woud spar with him aftar I got offar work.

I was late fer work taday, but the ladee sed it was okay so long as I workt dubal hard to make up fer it. She made me scrub the commin room and behind the bar fer good mesur. That was OK. I thot the commin room needid a good scrubbin anaway, it was startin to smell dustee and stale like. I hate that smell. I givd it a good cleening and evin put sum cinnimin in a pot on the fire to give sum good smell in the room. Not too much tho, cuz too much cinnimin is a lil to strong to smell. The ladee sed I did a good job and sed I coud have tamarah off. That made me happy cuz I kin spend time with mah frends an stuff an put extra hard work into my training.

Relik was in a bad mood yestaday, but I tryd to help him feel bettar and I think I helpt him. I givd him sum flowers cuz they was colarfal and cheeree. I like colarfal and cheeree things, sah othar peepul must like them alsah. He kept them and lookt at them oftin, so I bet they made him feel lots bettar. He sed he woud spar and train with me sah we kin git bettar at sword tagethir. He gived me a woodin sword to practiss with an evarythin! He was helpin me learn to swing and hold it, but it was confusin tah me. I fergittid how Missus Lairah sed to hold the sword so I tryd mostly jus holdin it like my mace. It was hard tho, cuz the sword is lots lots liter. I had to pull back my swings whin I was sparring lots so I dint hurt no one.

33rd Day of the 2nd Middle of Spring, Melday

Last nite at work I tryd ekstra hard. I wannid to do sumthin good and show that I am a hard worker. The lady who tells me wat to do was prowd of me. She sed she woud let me help her in the speshell rooms one day. I am glad I am doing a good job at work, that makes me happy. I try veree hard to make sure evarything is cleen and tidy and just how peepul like it. Mebbe one day I will earn my own key!

I went to vizit Fariz taday, but he was sleepin sah I left to let him rest. He lookt purty bad. I walkt abot for a while. I was half hoping I woud see sum of my othar frends like Rylian or Jirand. But I dint. Sinss I dint find no one, I went and did sum trainin. Krallip is still doin sumthin and is too busy to train me rite now so I praktissd by myself. I think I am fin'lee gitting bettar with me mace. I was hoping to see Missus Lairah, but she was not arond neither. She was prob'lee working on duty or sumthing.

I have not seen lots of my frends in a long long long time. I have not seen Sky sinss she got angry with me. I do not evin ramembar wat made her mad at me. I seen Makoto lots lat'lee, but thats cuz he works at the Bounty with me. We spend lotash time whin I git off work tagethur. I am kinda lon'lee tho. I realized that whin I was walking arond. My frends all seem to go away after a time. I gess no one liks me for veree long cuz I make them angry by doing sumthing dum. I tell them I do lots of dum things, but I do not think nun of them baleeve me. At leest I am honist with them all. I do not hide away things abot me in my hed like lots of them do. I do not care abot things like that, I wish that they woud trust me anuff tah tell me things. Ah well. Not manee peepul trust nuthin anamore. Evaryone is out fer sumthin cept fer me I think sumtimes.

32nd Day of the 2nd Middle of Spring, Melday

I saw my frend Fariz taday and he had bin attakt by sumone. It was awfal. The persin cut out his tong and beat him upside the hed. He was walkin arond in that state. I saw him in the Wraith. I tryd to comfert him cuz he startid cryin. I no he mustah bin in lots of pain cuz I coud heer...or feel...it in my hed. He was sad and thot he coud not be a gret wizard no mor. I tryd to make him feel bettar. Cravik and sum othar persin was there alsah. They helpt me take Fariz to the hospatal. I hate hospatals. Icky, them nursis are meen to me an do not like me nun attall.

I wannid to help Fariz lots, but it was hard to help him whin I new what he wannid, but he coud not say nuthin. Lots of peepuls was arond so I had to be ekstra carefal. One of them was a Gard and I do not think the Gard like peepul like me. I tryd to make Fariz feel bettar by putting his worrees away so I whispered to him. I do not think he figured out what I was tho and that is good. To manee peepul no abot peepul like me alreddee.

((**Once again, only you can prevent mookishness. Don't make me cudgel you for ooc/ic info.**))

Fariz sed he was attakt by a man with dark hair who was lith and slendar. Cravik took notes and sed he woud make sure the rest of the Gard new abot it. He sed it was pro'blee The Rat. I think the one that the gard calls the Rat is like me. I dunno. I dunno if it is the same persin or not. He nevar told me his name, but the one I think of is kinda scaree to me. I git weerd feelins frum him. I dunno, there is so manee voysis in my hed that sumtimes I git veree confused. I do not wanna think that my brothers and sisters hurt peepul whin we coud be fighting Veks.

I saw Missus Venice the othar day, but I dint no it was her. She had a reelee reelee good disgizz. I felt kinda dumb whin she was talkin to me cuz I dint no who she was attall. She yelled at me and was angry cuz I dint no who she was and sum othar things. I do not think she likes me no more cuz I am to dum. I wanna find her and apalagize fer being confuzed. If I had nowd it was her I woud have sed hello and stuff. Ah well, I think she jus wants to be angree at evarything, evin niss peepul.