I went bak to my room today. Well, I tryd but I fergot that Bjar had my key. I went fer a walk then cuz my legs was like jelly or noodals. It was icky feelings. I felt week all ovar. Week and tyrd and usliss frum not moving. I went and bawt a new shirt. It is a nice shirt with long sleevs. I coud not find ahnuthur red bodice tho. That made me sad. All the bodisis they had wuz dark and frumpy and boring and sad looking. I wantid a brite shiny one with a happy coler on it.
My stomach was still hurting me and that got me to thinking that I shoud get sum armor to pertekt it. I think that was a good idea. I did not have much monies, so I sold sum things like my old bodice that wuz worn out (not the ripped up one) and an old shirt. I do not have a spare shirt now so I have to wash mine evary nite now or it will git icky. I got just anuff coins to buy a cuirass. It is not bad. It matchis my pants and my bracer.
On my way bak to the Inn, I bumped into Bjar. That was good becuz it was raining lots. We went bak to my room. I am sad and angry becuz sumone stole my dress that Bjar made fer me. It was my most favrit thing. I do not no why sumone stole it. It was made speshell fer me. I do not think it woud evin fir aneeone else. I do not no anee girls as tall as me or as skinny as me. It made me sad and mad.
Bjar is sleeping now so I shoud sleep also. He is veree pretty wen he sleeps. I wish I was pretty to, mebbe then I woud not be a sister.
Balor guide me, Melchior fergive me.
It is veree cold lat'lee. I askt for ahnuthur blankit, but the nursis sed I shoud not be so greedy. They sed the same thing wen I askt fer sum watar. I woke up cold aftar I fell asleep frum the drink they gave me.
I think I saw Sehki and Bjar last night, but I do not reelee ramembar to well. It is hard to tell if I was awake or if I was sleeping. The drink they gave me took away the pain, but it made my hed fuzzy and weerd. I tryd to focus, but I coud not do it veree well. I do not ramembar wat I talked abot with Sehki. I think Bjar told me sumthing also. I think it was importint, but I do not ramembar. I will have to ask them if I see them today.
I feel veree cold and veree slow. I need a new shirt fer wen I leev today. I think they are letting me leev. I do not no. I do not think they have to cut me opin agin to chek on my insides. I have a big scar frum the Captin. I suppose that is ok. I have lots of scars. No one will evar see that scar aneeway. Like the scar I got frum the wolf beests with the teeth.
Laying here, I hav bin thinking abot Rylian. I think the last time I saw him I was in the hospatal also. I think he came to see me wen I broke my leg. I do not ramembar wen that was. Was it a year ago? Or only a seeson? I wish I had my reel jurnil to chek. The nursis all look at me funny wen I write things down. That is OK. Mebbe they are jeliss I can write attall.
The nursis keep telling me to sleep. I am sik of sleep. I am bord and tird of laying here. I want to move and to train. I do not care if it hurts me, I need to do sumthing. Ther are no childrin here to tell storees to. The orphaninge is gone so there are no childrin frum ther. No childrin attall reelee. Nun of the adults here want to heer my storees. No one wants to talk or heer anything that is good. I hate hospatals. It always feel like the peepul heer want to suffar wen they are heer. I hope I get out soon.
I tryd walking a littal bit today. I can move my leg agin without it hurting my tummy too bad. Evarytime I lift my leg, I feel it in my belly. The same wen I lift my arms or sit up. It is not to bad, but it is annoying to me. It will be hard to train. My prayers to Balor have bin impropar lat'lee cuz I have not bin abal to move much. I tryd to do them this morning, but the nursis got mad with me and made me go bak to bed.
I am writing lots. I think I am writing lots cuz I am bord. Nothing to do and no one to talk to. Mebbe I will sleep. At leest if I sleep I will not be bord. I wish I was tird.
Oh... I have dacidid I will not wine no mor. I hate being winee. It makes me feel week. I hate being week becuz I want to be strong. Balor will be proud of me if I am strong. Not to the Gods and not to myself. No mor wishin and no mor wining. I will not questin the things that happin no mor if I do not understand them. I will just accept them. That is eesier. I will trust in Balor and in Melchior. I will let Them make me alone and let them pull me along as They will.
My pensill is almost gone and I do not have a nife to make it pointy so I shoud stop writing.
Balor Guide me, Melchior Fergive me.
I've spent lots of time in the hospatal praying, but I think mebbe I am more wining then praying. I need to stop that. I think mebbe sum things I am not saposed to no attall.
Why did Melchior save me?
-I do not no.
Duz it mattar?
-No, problee not.
Why did Melchior save me and not Balor? (Sehki asked me that.)
-I do not no. I think becuz death in battal is Balor's relm and if I was to die, I was redde to go. I sed my propar prayers and I was redde. But, if I was redde to go, why did Melchior save me? Duz He need me fer sumthing? Or did Balor work thru him to save me?
I hate wen questins leed to mor questins. I am not smart enuff to answer all thees things in my hed. I do not evin no why I think of thees questins. Mebbe I am not thinking them. Mebbe I am feeling them.
I have dasidid not to think abot it no mor. It duz not mattar. Wat is dun is dun. Wat has happind is Fate. I will not questin it. If Melchior wants to tell me why He saved me, He will. If not, then I can only thank Him. I can only thank Him and Balor for sharing my Fate between them.
Sehki told me he loved me. I do not no wat he ment. Did he meen like a sistar like Bjar? Did he meen like a frend? Wat did he meen? It hurt me worse then my belly did wen he sed that becuz I think he did not meen it in the way love shold be ment. My hed is spinning still frum the bump on it. Mebbe that is why evarything is a questin latlee.
I hate thees questins. I hate the need I have to rite them down. I hate not nowing any ansurs. I hate that I wine abot thing so much evin if it only to myself or to the Gods.
Fate has only one rool: evarything must pass. Life, death, rebirth, good, bad, ugly beutaful. All things must pass.
One day I will pass to. Balor wills it to be. Today is not the day. I sit in the hospatal. I hate it here. It is a lonlee plass. It always has bin.
I have a new scar. It is big and hurts me. From my belly to my hip. It cut me hard I think. The heelars sed my blood woud stop fer me. They sed I was no longer a reel woman. I do not no wat they ment. But, deep inside, it hurts me. Melchior heeled me so mebbe they are wrong. I do not no. I do not no why Melchior heeled me. I thot He did not want me no mor. I do not understand why he seeled me up.
I am trying to undarstand things. I am trying, but the mor I try, the mor things go away frum me. I have bin thinking abot my mum lots. The things she told me. I have bin thinking abot Fate and Destiny and all the things she told me abot Balor.
Circles in circles she sed. She sed we can not skip things becuz they are not nice. Evarything must pass.
What comes next then?
Melchior? Balor? Who is reelee holding my Fate?
I have no choice but to let things pass. To have faith and to trust. I trust in them both so much, but I nevar no wat to do. I nevar git a clue. or mebbe i nevar see the clues.
I have to heel.
I am a fountain of zen. Yesterday while everyone for the wedding was running around like chicken with their heads cut off, I was calm. I wasn't nervous, I wan't stressed, I was just... the same as always.
Anyway, for those people who are reading this, this is just a short update as to why I am not writing this week. I had a wedding. I can't really say I got married, because I already was, but I had a wedding. It was fun. I had a hat that was the dant coolest thing in the whole world. For those who know what it is, my wedding was at Old Tucson Studios. (This is the place wher John Wayne made lots of westerns as well as others.)
I have so much cake left I don't know what to do with it. So, who likes cake?
Sumtimes I think I am the onlee reel fallaher of Balor left. The onlee one who nos His ways. I no James was a fallaher allso but I think he is gon now. Mebbe he is ded. I do not no.
If I am the onlee fallaher of balor left duz that make me a preest? I do not no. I got to thinking abot it wen I saw a note on the bord of the citee frum Bjar. It was long so i did not reed it all. he sined it as a preest of Melchior tho. I wundar why he did not tell me he was a preest. It seems he duznt tell me lots of things. I gess I am not a good enuff frend yet. I will try harder.
Mebbe is I was a preest I coud be a bettar frend to bjar. I do not think I can be a preest tho. All the preests I have evar met no magic. Magic is hard. Runes are confuzing. I do not undarstand Kha. I do not think I will evar understand them things. If I do not no magic then I will be a bad preest i think.
Sumtimes I wundar if my mum was a preest. She was the one who showed me the ways of Balor. If she was I think that woud be one of the reesons peepul gave her lots of rapsect. If I was like her then I woud get raspect to. If I was sumone they woud raspect me.
----+----
it is cold and wet. I hate the Darkfall. I alreddee miss summer. I hope this Darkfall duz no last as long as the last one.
I am hungry. I spent all of my pay alredde so I have to wait till the next one to eat. Food is so ekspensive. With all the rain I have not bin fishing to get extra food. My tummy hurts and rumbals. My hedaches are bak allso. mebbe one of the bartendars at work will give me left oavrs of food. i onlee have to mor days till I get paid, then I can buy food and eat.
Yes, yes, I am playing catchup from the past week. I had these entries written up but never got the chance to type them up. Anyway, one more, then I will be caught up .
On a side note, I will be gone for the next week or so and don't know if I'll have time to post (or access to a computer for that matter). We'll see. If not, then I'll have to post something extra spiffy when I get back.
Today I was cleening the rooms in the Duke's Bounty ware I work. I was scrubbing the floors behind the bar and I fond a bottal of my mum's wine. Kita Researve. I notissed fer the first time that the bottal had the same simbal on it as me. The Litning Lizard. It ramindid me of the storee my grammee told me abot the lizard.
In the sky, lives a lizard who lives with the clouds. He is one of Balor's childrin, or mebbe, he is part of Balor himself. He has a spear in his hand and in his hart. In his belee is anger. He is angry becuz he is sad and lonlee. Inside of him ther is rage that nuthing can controll.
Sumtimes, the lizard can do nuthin as it watchis evarything frum the sky. It watchis peepul ignor the Gods, ignor Fate, ignor Faith, ignor Tradishin. It watchis peepul be week and petty. It watchis peepul be arrogint and greedy and it makes his rage boil in his belee.
The rage turns and turns.
The rage bubbals and bubbals.
The rage grows and grows.
Wen the rage gets so big the belee of the lizard is abot to burst, he opins his mouth and screems the screem of death. He screems and lightning shoots down to the earth and kills the object of his rage. No one can see this lightning. It puts anger and rage into one of his chosin ones. It lights ther hart up with all the feelings of the lizard. They can not controll the rage becuz mortals can onl have so much emoshin in them befer they burst with it.
Theez peepul who are touched by the lightning of the lizard are His lightning bearars. They are blindid by the lightning, by the rage and angar. They are instruments of the Lizard in the sky. Wen the lightning frum the bellee of the lizard hits them, they must act. They must carree out the rage inside of them. They are touched with passhin so deep, nuthing can touch them, nuthing can turn them ekcept fer the Lizard's spear. A silver arrow in the hart.
They do wat the Lizard wills of them. They carree out his rage on the peepul of Aagos who have angared him. They carree out the will on the greedy, the arrogint, the faithliss, the fateliss, the petty and the week. They carree out the anger of the lizard so He duz not burst with it.
If the lizard fills up and bursts with the rage in him, it will rain down on all of the world and burn it up. The lightning will set the world into fire that can not be seen. Rage is not ment fer evaryone. Blindniss can not be on evaryone or the world will kill itself with it.
The Lizard choosis his peepul and they become His angar so the world duz not burn up with it. Howevar, eech persin he choosis, duz burn up with his angar aftar a time. They are not long fer the land, but they live it well and fast and with a gratar pashin then anaothar can evar no.
I wondar if I am a lightning bearar.
I have not seen no one latlee. I have been training allot in my spare time. Training, working, praying. It is all I do. Sinss I have dasidid to be happy, I have stayd away frum sad things. Things that make me sad. I have not bin to the Orfanidge sinss evarything happind. I can not go bak ther yet. Not til I find who killed them and get venginss.
In my heart I almost wish I was still a Dryth just so I coud no who did it. That woud make Melchior mad fer me to wish that tho. Besides, I promissed not to wish fer things I can not have no mor. Wishing is week. Wishing shows I have bad faith in Balor and the Fate he gave me. I will not wish fer things no mor becuz I want to have strong faith in Balor. No, that is not rite. Becuz I have strong faith in Balor I will not wish.
If I am to be alon, then I will be alon. If I am to fite, then I will be led to battal. If I am to find the one who killed the childrin, Balor will leed me to the killar or sumone who can tell me abot the killar. If i am to kill that persin, then I will be victoreeiss in battal. It is that simpal. Simpal is good.
I will not wish fer things.
I will not be week.
I will have strong faith and proov myself to Balor.
I will be His hammer and no one elsis.
Balor Guide me, Melchior Fergive me.
Today is my first day of being happy. It went well. I did not think abot nun of the things I wantid. Insted I trained vereee hard and then went to work. THe hed ladee did not smak me today and she did not yell at me. I did good at work and I evin got a raise. I now make 45 coins a week! That is 5 hole coins of a raise! (I askt the man at the bank and he told me how manee mor it was evaryweek.) Now I will be abal to afford nicer things. I no it. Mebbe I will be abal to buy the helmit I want now.
I startid trying to find out who killt the childrins. I startid asking peepul in the alley neer the Fallin Stars. Lots of peepul live ther in the littal mud huts and stuff. They must have seen sumthing. I askt and askt, but no one told me nuthing. mebbe they wuz scart. I will ask mor. I no sumone will tell me sumthing. Sumone must want ravenge as much as me.
I made a promiss to hunt the persin who did it down. A promiss to Balor and to Morhiag. Breking a promiss to a God is a bad bad sin and I do not want to sin evin if I do not ramembar making the promiss. It is still a good promiss.
Aubren is making a meeting to talk abot Yarsin and the darkniss. I want to go also, but I do not like going to the tempal. All the preests give me meen looks now. I do not no why but I think it it becuz of my brand. I do not no wat they are going to say or if I can evin add anathing to it. I coud tell them abot the melty fire in the streets I saw in the Sewar Man's hed (the Fury?). The screeming peepul. I do not no.
I do not no if they have evin evar seen a demmin. I do not no if they have evar fot a demmin. I do not no that if they did they woud live thru it.
Bjar made me a veree pretty dress. It has abird and a sun and evin a simbal of Balor on it. Best of all it is red! brite brite red, like cherries. My fav'rit kind of coler. I feel veree pretty wen I wer it. All eligant and tall and pretty. Evaryone sed it lookd veree pretty on me.
I want to git new shoos to go with it, not the big ones I wear most of the time, pretty girl shoos. They do not make shoos big anuff fer me so I will have to git them made speshell. Mebbe I will evin git an eye kohl like my mum used to wear around her eyes to make them look big and sparklee. Mebbe I can be pretty too, not like her, but pretty like me. Mebbe sumone out ther will not notice I am tallar then most men and jus see me as pretty.
Rylian nevar thot I was pretty, but he also did think I was pretty. It is hard to explain the it rite. Mebbe Hemo and Sehki and Bjar think I am pretty to. Mebbe.. Mebbe I shoud stop feeling hopefal.
I told Bjar a story frum home. It was a good story but I do not think I told it rite. I made up part of it be cuz I fergittid that part. He sed it was a good story but I do not think he was reelee paying attenshin. His eyes wandared to Venice and Nybrylla lots. I bet he thinks I do not notice things. I bet he thinks I do not no, like evaryone else. But he nos I no things. He nos I see things. I tell him I do. I always watch my frends.
I think evaryone hates Missus Venice now. They all give her meen eyes. Mebbe it is becuz she is frendly with that Vek. Mebbe it is becuz they are mad at her. I do not no. They all act like spoilt littal childrin who got to manee candiees and always wat they want. Venice and Nybrylla and Bjar and Sehki. Wen they are arond eech othar they act like childrin fiting ovar a lost toy. I am surprized that peepul think of me as a child arond them wen they are the ones acting selfish and spoilt. Mebbe I jus think that becuz I am in the middal of it all. Mebbe I am the one who is acting selfish and spoilt and childish.
Problee I am the one.
Mebbe I am the one who is selfish becuz I do not like being in the middal. Mebbe becuz I see evaryone being stubborn and twistid up with love fer othar peepul. Mebbe I am more jeliss than I think. Mebbe I am jus stoopid.
It duz not mattar. I have a pretty dress and a strong arm and that is all I need rite now. I will train alone and be alone and become strong and fast. I will be strong and good and fast and Balor will be proud of me. I will tell my storees to make Melchior proud of me and I will fite hard to make Balor proud of me. I will be strong and alone and I will be happy with that frum now on. I made a promiss to Balor not to wish fer things I can not have.
I will be happy with wat I am and fite to be strongar.
Balor Guide me, Melchior Fergive me.
Sister. That is wat I am. A big sister. Evaryone loves me like a sister. I shoud be happy wen I heer that. But it hurts. It cuts me up inside. Sehki, Hemo, Bjar. They say they love me like a sister. It hurts evarytime I hear that. Like anuthur needal poking in me.
Why kinna they just love me? Is it that hard? Am I not good anuff to just love?
Melchior, he loved just to love. He gave me calm and peece. Ther was no 'like' on the end of it. He did not love me 'like a dryth'. He jus gave me wat he gave me with nothin on it. It just was. Balor, I wundar sumtimes if he loves me also. He duz not add nuthing to the things he gives me. no 'likes' on the end of anathing.
Mor and mor I reelize I jus want Balor to love me. I want him to no me. I pray evary day. I pray so hard to find wat he wants frum me. I try to make my hart silint and still, but I am not strong anuff to do that. I am pulled forward by it all the time. Sumtimes I think I do not act'lee think. I just feel and call it thinking. I no I am controlled by my anger and my hattrid and my jelissee and by my joy and warm feelings. I know they control me. I can not help it.
If I had no hart, I woud be nothing. I woud be evin stupider then I am now.
Balor give me strength. Balor, give me Your love. I woud rip my own hart out of my body fer You.
Balor Guide me, Melchior Fergive me.
Week. I am to week. I want to be strong like evaryone else is. I want to be strong in my hart. I see evaryone around me, they are all strong.
I fought with a man in the Dojo today. He wantid to spar with me. He had a cruel grin on him when I rolled up my sleeves. He thot I did not notice that smile he had. But I did. I notice things like that. I always notice things like that. He smiled in a way that ramindid me of sumone... I can not put my fingar on it. I can not ramembar who it is.
That man, he thot I woud be eezee. I coud tell. Evarytime I kicked him he lookt surprized, like I had nuthin but luck. He hit me once, on my foot. That made me angry and I stopped going eezee on him. I hatid that stupid smile on his face. It was full of meaniss. Full of... something. I do not no the word. Arroginss mebbe.
I need to go and buy a niss dress fer Bjar's thing. I need to look nice. Mebbe they will have sumthing nice fer me. Mebbe they will at leest have sumthing that fits me. I want to be pretty fer Bjar, I want to be pretty and raspectfal.
Balor Guide me, Melchior Fergive me.
I coud not fass peepul agin today. I no I must have dun sumthing so veree bad. I think peepul will hate me. I can not fass people. I sit in my room and I train in the dojo. Peepul avoid me.
My mussle ake me frum training so hard. I trained and trained to try and make my hart quiet. All I feel is confuzin... anger and sadniss... agony and hatrid. I want to make thees feelings go away in me. The preests say it is a shadow on me. I ramembar the preests of Elbahn bak home and the preests of Cymur. They had the church in my home. They sed I was bad. Preests no those things. I do not want to make the Gods angry with me for being bad. I do not want the shadow on my hart.
I am not good at making the words rite to say how it is. The preests of Elbahn sed I was bad and they smacked me with canes that time. I ramembar the littal room they put me in fer being bad. They sed I had no joy in my hart, onlee the shadow. They sed if I had joy in my hart then I woud not let my angar and rage make me dark. I do not understand that. My mum is was dark like me also. They did not yell at her. The tyeni was evin darker then me but they did not get yelled at neethur. They sed the darkniss on my hart was a curse frum the Gods.
I do not think it is. Wat did I do to get a curse? Mebbe now I daserve a curse, but that woud be frum Melchior and not all of the Gods. I think if Melchior cursed me it woud be more like wat he did to Gabreeul. My mum sed my pa was like me and the preests sent him away to war. She sed my grandpa was like me and they sent him away also. Will the preests here send me to war? The preests bak home sed I was too stoopid to be in the army. I tryd to join the militia but they sed I was too dum also.
Mebbe the darkniss that makes my mind go away frum me is Balor's way of telling me I need to go to war like my pa and grandpa. I pray to Balor evaryday to help me control the anger and rage in me. I pray to be strong. That Skrel sed I shoud control it or else I woud make Balor angry. I do not want to make Balor angry. I want to make him proud of me. I love Balor veree much. I want to be like him.
I wundar if Balor gets angry also. I want to be strongar and strongar. I want to be the best warrier in the hole world, then Balor will be proud of me. Then I can show Him how much I love Him. Mebbe love is the wrong word. I do not no. I love Melchior also. Can sumone love a God like that?
I woke up in a strange plass today.
I ramembar my mum told me to rite evarything down so I do not fergit them. I try to rite down evarything i ramembar, but sumtimes I do not ramembar evarything. I always rite down stuff. This is what I ramembar.
I ramembar yelling at Cravik fer being hartliss. I ramembar yelling abot the childrins. I ramembar He,mo telling me it was my fault Binda was ded. I ramembar running away to my room. I ramembar thinking abot the childrin, then running to the Fallin stars plass to see if they was okay.
I ramembar blood. I ramembar darkniss.
I ramembar pain and hate and rage spilling out of me.
I ramembar the fasis of Jerrika and Jun and Pria all cut up and ded. I ramembar them screaming fer me. I do not no if that was reel tho. I ramembar their bodies cut into ribbins as they yelled, bodies twitching. I ramembar mostlyy blood and death.
I ramembar Venice a littal bit. Did I hurt her? Did I do sumthin bad? I ramembar a silver arrow peersing my hart.
I ramembar rain.
Othar then that, I do not no how I got here. I woke up in the towar in the play yard of the orfinadge. It took me a verree long time to figger out where I was. It was raining, cept I was dry. I was on one of the platforms between the layars. Blood was on me.
I ramembared the childrins all ded.
My hart ramembared pain and sadniss.
....and rage.
I saw a note on the sitee bord. It was in my hand riting but I do not ramembar making it. It was sined 'the hammer' but I do not sign my name that way. I always always use my full name. But it must have bin me. It was my riting. I wish I coud ramembar last nite. I wish I coud ramembar wat happined aftar the I found the childrins.
I will find venice. She will no. She is smart, she will help me. I hope I did not hurt her. I coud nevar fergive myself if I did that. Melchior woud be mad and I woud have made Him mad and sad.
I need to pray. I do not no wat to do, but I no I shoud pray.
Oh Gods... wat did I do? I have nevar lost so much time bafer. Nevar nevar. Evin wen they sed I killd them boys I did not ferget so much.
Balor Guide me, Melchior Fergive me.
I had a dreem last nite. It was a dreem abot Rylian. In my dreem he sed goodbye to me. He touchd my hand and my arm, he kissd my brand and my scars. He kissed my forehed and my lips just one time tho and then he was gone. His lips was cold and felt like... like mist or fog or something. Like cold smoke. I tryd to grab him, but my fingars went thru him.
I woke up and I coud not feel nuthing. Not evin sadniss. I had a shock. All of me was cold. I coud not move fer a long time, jus lay ther. I do not no if Sehki was sleeping on the floor, all I coud heer was my own breething and my own hart.
Wen my feelings came bak, I felt veree lonlee. A big, sinking lonlee... like I will never be loved agin. It felt good to have love like that. Evin tho Melchior told me to test him, and Melchior sed to leeve him, I still miss him. In my hed, I no Melchior was rite tho. Melchior is always rite. I loved Rylian allot, but love Melchior mor. I think it hurt mor wen Melchior left me then wen Rylian left me. I no it hurt mor. Rylian left me an emptiniss in my hart, Melchior left me an emptiniss in my soul. Harts are eesier to heel then souls I think.
I can barelee ramembar how Rylian's love felt. How he feeled fer me, I ramembar, but it is mixed up with othar feelings. The feeling Melchior woud hug me with was so reel. So pure and simpal, I nevar had no doubt abot it. I want that feeling bak mor than I want Rylian's love bak.
Aftar my dreem I got the feeling I shoud say sorry to Nybrylla fer all the meen things I sed to her ovar Rylian. She and me had a strongar bond thru Melchior and I shoud not have bin so selfish to say things abot Rylian. It was dum of me to be so silly ovar him and now I am sorree.
I wundar wat it woud feel like fer Melchior to kiss me. I bet it woud not feel like the cold smoke like Rylian. I bet it woud be warm and fill me up insted of leeving me emptee. I bet Balor woud feel like fire... not the hurting kind, the good kind.
HATE! I HATE HATE HATE HATE those stupid, heethin, ugly Gods Damned VEK!
"Sit down" "None of your Bizniss"
BAH! I hate them and I want them dead dead dead. The smell, the feelings, all of it. I do not ramembar much abot the dreems but I no I want them stupid Veks dead. I no I HATE them. HATE HATE HATE.
I think I broke my nukals agin. Don't mattar. I had to do sumthing. Nybrylla told me to calm down. She is smart and I am dum so she must no the right thing to do. Her and Venice, they no the right thing to do, I listin to them.
I punched the wall. It did not hurt, but my hand is all bruzed up and swollin now. I do not no. I do not reelee care neethur. I wantid to crush sumone's face in. The anger in me... it was like fire.... it still is. I feel it burn and burn and burn. It hurts in my hed with the aking throbbing hurt. Fire burns my hed on the inside. Evary hart beet throbs me ther.
I wantid to kill that ugly man. Sallow, pale, rude little man. I no. I no why. I felt the hate all ovar him. He wuz gunna hurt my frends, I no it. But, Nybrylla told me to clam down. I coud not be calm with him ther. So I left. I left to my room. I hit the walls, then I jumped out the window and went and punched more walls. I coud not face them with that kind of rage on me.
I need to kill something.
My hed hurts me bad.
Balor help me, Melchior forgive me.
I went and got a pie today. It was a good pie, with appals. I like appals the best fer a pie. I wantid to share it with all of my frends, but Sehki went away. I think he was in a bad mood. He saw Gabreeul git killt. He was wearing her cloak. It lookt warm. He was veree mopee. I think he liked her lots evin tho she was a filthee heathin manipalater meanie face. I sappose you can not reelee help having feelings sumtimes. Pity is a strong feeling and she made peepul pity her.
When I herd she was dead, I felt sadness fer a momint. She was my frend fer a time aftar all. Or mebbe, I jus sed she was. I do not no if she reelee liked me attall. I do not no, I sappose if I go to Annwn, then I will no. Tho, I do not plan to go to Annwn wen I die. I plan to serve with Balor in His army. If I git strong anuff, then I no he will pik me.
I think abot Annwn lots latlee. I wundar if my mum is there... and Sil and Rylian and Mir-a and Makoto and James and Missus Lara and Niko and them boys I killt. I wundar if they are there and if they can see us down here. I wundar sumtimes if I went to Annwn if I woud want to come back. Wat if I died not in battal but with a big rock falling on me? or frum a sikniss? I woud not be picked fer Balor's Army then I do not think. If all of the peepul I love are ther, woud I want to come back? Death duz not bothar me, living I think is hardar. Death is easy. Simpal. I am scart of not dying in battal. I am half scart of the peepul who wait fer me in Annwn. Do they hate me? Are they sad? Do they want to come back?
I want a good death. A fast death. Balor rules ovar Death as well as Morhiag. I do not think it is the same type of Death tho. I think I want Balor's kind of death. Bloody and fast and fighting.
Sumtimes I think I can smell Annwn on the Streets of Telantha. Sumtimes I think Death... all kinds of death, Morhiag's and Balor's... is always on us like an hourglass running out. If you die bafer yer hourglass runs out, you come back, if not, you stay.
I do not worree abot things like that tho. Death is death and I will die one day. Mebbe evin one day soon. Mebbe in Death there is no suffering.
I dasidid not long ago to let my studints stay in my room if they needid a plass to stay fer the Darkfall. Darkfall is cold and icky. I ramembar last Darkfall with no plass to stay and I do not want that fer my frends. I am going to ask Skye to stay with me alsa cuz I herd she got kicked out of the last plass she stayed. I alredde askd Sehki and I gave him a few blankits and a pillo fer the floor. I am nerviss sleeping arond othar peepul. I no I do not sleep good.
Last nite I had a veree bad hedake and went and sat in the commin room fer a long time. I do not no why I get thes hedakes. Espeshellee at nite like that. At leest I have not had no nitemares latlee. That is good to me. I like having a dreemliss sleep.
I got payd the othar day so I am going to go an git an appal pie. I like appal pie the bestist. I am going to share it with all of my frends and make tea and we'll have a good day. it will be niss to have a good day with no arguing or fiting or nuthing. Just sit arond and eat pie and have fun. I want to see my frends smile agin. I like that the best.
I saw Relik resintlee. I had not thot abot how long it had bin sinss I saw him. He wishd me a happy birthday. I like that word, birthday. It must be a Telantha word. He sed he had bin trainin and we sparred, but I do not think he had bin practising attall. I dunno. Mebbe I just got lots bettar sinss we practised last time. I think I hurt him. I dunno, I did not evin use my hands on him.
I also sparred Nybrylla not too long ago. She was not as fast as I thot she woud be. I dunno how long ago ekzaktlee it was tho. I had a veree bad headake. I think it made her mad that she coud not hit me.
I also sparred that Guard Skrel'eth. He is slow alsa. I thot he woud be bettar with his spear, so I let him use that and I had no weppin (act'lee... I did not use a weppin with the othar to eethur wen they had one).
Why can I beet all of these peepul but one stupid Vek can git away frum me and take Hemo with her? Was it the magic she used? Evar since I fought her, I have bin trying to git fastar and strongar so I can protekt Hemo and Sehki and evaryone frum her. I have bin practissing a lot. I want to fite her and I want to kill her. I want to fite sumone who is a challinge. These othar peepul... are slow and week. Evin that Skrel... I thot they was supposed to be good warriers?
Mebbe, mebbe I am almost good anuff to fite the Vek. Mebbe I am almost good anuff. I need to train more and git strongar still... fastar. Mir-a told me they was fast as a blurry thing, so I still need to git fastar. Wen I am fast as a Blurry thing, then I will hunt them down. Mebbe if I kill anuff of them I will be a worthy warrier of Balor and Melchior will fergive me.