Taday I combed out my dredlocks becuz I coud not sleep. I wuz feelin awfal abot hurting Aubren and my tummy wuz rumbling and rumbling and rumbling cuz I was hungry all the time. I used up my monies gitting food fer Aubren. Now I have no more monies eksept wat is in the bank. But those monies are fer sumthing else. Fer my seecrit projekt. It is sumthin I am saving and saving fer and I will not use those coins until I have anuff fer it.
Combing out the dredloks kind of hurt. I used a big woodin pointy stik to get them out at first, then a big tooth comb, then a niss comb. My hair is icky. I washed and washed it, but then I ramembared that my hair is always icky and not niss and smooth like evaryone elsis. It feel like wires. I had fergottin that my hair is not niss or pretty like evaryones. Sumtimes I fergit how uglee I am. I try not to look at myself to much cuz evaryone else is so purty with nice light skin and smooth shiny hair. They have small nosis and pretty mouths and I am big and flat and uglee. I do not no why I combed out my hair frum the dredloks, but it took a long long time and I had nuthing to do.
I braidid my hair up and tied them up with sum of the bits of hair that fell out. I took a long long bath in hot watar and it was niss. My tummy hurts me and I got dizzy in the bath. I think mebbe my tummy hurt cuz of wher I got cut, but it is an inside hurt so I do not no reelee. It is a hungry hurt. My ribs is showing more then bafer. I poked at them and then I ramembared how I broke Aubren up with my hammar and I felt bad agin. I could also see my hip bones lots. My mussles are going away a littal bit I think. I think I am gittin evin skinniar. Mebbe if I can git anuthur job I can eat mor.
At leest no one sees how skinny I am now with the clothes I wer. No one notissis me turning into nuthing. I do not think they will notiss if I fade away into smoke eethur.
I did a bad thing taday. Me and Aubren did a spar, but it was only one blow. He sed no holding bak. So he did nto hold back and I did not hold bak neethur. I wrapped my hammer up with my cloak to make is soft, but I still hurt Aubren veree vereee bad. I hit him onlee onse and he fell down and ther was blood coming out of him. I did not no wat to do. I am scard I hurt him to bad.
I did not no I got so strong. I did not no I coud hurt sumone so bad evin if it was not on purpiss. I prayed to Balor during the spar like I 'sposed to. I prayed fer gidance. I did evarything I was saposed to do. I said my prayed, i focused on the swing, only the match, the prayers. Maybe I was too strong fer him. I shoud have nown it.
I tookd him to the hospatal. I am reelee sorry I hurt him. I was a big aksidint. He got crushed by me so eezee tho. Are all gards so week? If they are then that is sad. I no the Captin is not week. He hurt me veree bad. I do not no. I do not no why sum gards is week and puny and othars is strong.
Aubren swinged at me, but missed me by ah whole arm length. I do not no wat to do. Will the gard be mad at me now? I hope not. I did not meen it. It was a spar. Good and cleen. Like Balor likes. Fair evin. He had a weppin and so did I.
Today I went gatharing. I wuz looking fer food. I did not find nun tho. I looked and looked. All I found was flowars and leafy bits. I took them to the herb persin and they gave me many coins fer them. So, evin tho I did not find no food, I could still get sum food so it was good day.
Wen I was gatharing I saw a deer. My mouth watared at the site of it. I thot I could kill it and then eat meat fer days and days. My tummy was grumbling and grumbling fer meaty bits. I coud have rohstid up its leg and eatin it all I think. That is how hungry I was. I got meat today. In a stew. it was good. I think I needid the meat. I was weak and dizzy all the time. I could not evin hardly train well.
Now I am much bettar. I saw Aubren taday. he was not mad at me anymore. he thot I was angry with him. We are frends agin and that is good. He and me was gunna spar aftar We ate sum food, but then I had to work ferrah bit. The bouncer man asked me to take over fer him fer a littal bit. he had a woman with him and he picked her up. I think she must have caused lots of truhbals in the bar cuz he spanked her fer a punishmint.
So, I just finished my stew and I am bored now. No one is causing no truhbals so I have no one to bounce out of the bar.
I made a new frend. She is niss. Her name is Haydee. She is a tyeni. We have lots to talk abot and like the same things. I think. She is like me. She is not good at ramembaring and stuff. It makes me feel lots bettar to no that othar peepul are like me. She is also tall like me. Not as tall, but still tall. She sed she needid a job so I am gunna help her fin one. She sed she coud cook. I wish I coud cook, then I woud not be hungree all the time. She sed she woud cook fer me.
I dasidid I will bring her fishis and stuff I find and she can cook them. Then we can both eet. I think she will like the idea. I shoud see her lots and lots. She stays at the Duke's Bounty where I work.
I am a littal jeliss of her becuz she had a husbind and I nevar got to have one. But she sed she is the only one left in her house. So she is still like me. I am glad to have a new frend sinss it seems like all of my othar frends have gone away. I hate wen my frends go away. It makes me lonlee.
It has bin a long time sinss I rote wrote last. The days have bin cold and slow. I hate darkfall. I hate the cold. It bites me hard on the skins and puts shivvers all the way thru me. Evin in my guts. In the Darkfall evaryone goze away. I have not seen nun of my frends fer a long long time. Mebbe they hate me now. I do not no wat I did, but it must have bin bad if they do not come and visit me no mor.
I think I made Bjar mad at me the last time I saw him. He seemd frustratid by me. I reelee did try to undarstand, but I did not. I hate being stupid. I try to not be stupid, but it is hard. I wish I coud undarstand the things othar peepul did. I still have the poshin Sehki gave me in the summar fer my birthday. I have bin saving it up. Mebbe next time I see bjar I will take it, then I will be smart and all the ideas will make senss in my hed. Then he wont hate me. I do not want him to hate me. That idea hurts me on the inside. It makes me feel emptee and sad.
The plass wher the Captin Taleisin cut me up is mostlee heeled now. It still is soft to touch tho. Wen I move funny it pulls also. I have to be carfal. I have to get strong agin. I promissd evaryone I woud be strong. If I git strong anuff, then I can pertekt all of them frum hurting and suffaring. Then I can pertekt myself frum it and Melchior will take me bak becuz then I will not suffar no mor.
Food is still ekspensive. I have not bin abal to save no coins fer the whole darkfall. Evarything I have has bin spent on food and it is still not anuff. I am hungry all the time. My tummy hurts and feels like it is eating me up. The wethur is bettar so I can fish agin. Mebbe I kin make ekstra monies that way. Mebbe I can find sumthing else to eat. Like nuts or taters. I shoud look. My hed is dizzy all the time. I need to eat mor than a bit of bred evaryday. I try to fill my tummy with watar so it don't hurt no mor. At leest bafer I train so I can focus on my eksercizis. Once a week I can buy a bit of meet in gravy, but it duz not fill me up. I can see the bones in my hips and chest. I covar them up tho so othar peepul will not worree abot me.
I need anuthur job. I applied fer one, but I do not no if I will get it. Probablee not.
As you can see, I have posted up the new design. I still have the old one saved of course and I may continue to futz around with more designs.
I have considered going to a single box in the center of the page, but then I would have to deal with iFrames and not everyone can view those. Of course, if they can't, they should get a better browser, like Firefox. Yes, that is a shameless plug for my favorite (and free) browser.
Now that I have the new design all spiffed up. I shall go back to regular posting again. I am only 6 entries away from #200, so I shall have to think of something spiffy to post up for it. I don't know what yet. For the last landmark post I put up Tzoli's Chinese Portrait and the one before that I put up an image of her tattoo. Mayhaps I'll come up with something new and exciting.
Hungry. I am veree hungry. My monies do not buy me anuff food no mor. Food is veree ekspensive latlee. My tummy hurts me. Why duz it seem like evaryone has mor coins then me? At leest my frends anaway. Mebbe I am to niss. I bot a loff of bred the othar day and I was saving it to last all week. I only got to eat abot half of it tho. I was snaking on a bit of it wen I saw sum childrins in the street. They lookt veree hungry. They had skin barelee hanging on them. They stared at me with big eyes so I gave them the rest of my bred. Now I do not have no food fer the rest of the week until I git paid agin.
I drink lots of water frum the fountin to ill up my tummy. Sumtimes they give me left ovars frum work. The bartendars help me. They are niss.
The Gard gave me bak my box frum home cuz the Captin hurt me so much. I am happy. It evin had my comb in it an evarything. I got to see the pikshur of my mum agin. It made me veree happy. Me and my mum dun in coler pencil stiks. I see her face now and now I can ramembar it. I wundar if they will kik me out of the Dragon Head inn now. Wat are they keepin me ther fer anaway?
For those of you who actually read my realplay blog, you'll know I'm working on a new blog template for Tzoli's journal here. Because Hurricane Dennis (really tropical storm Dennis by the time it hit me) over the weekend and an insanely busy work schedule, this project got put off a bit. I am hoping to have a new template done by the end of the week, though this is probably wishful thinking.
Aaaaaanyway, the new design will be completely (hopefully) different from this one. I will be posting this week again to get things back up to date. I always feel like such a slacker when I fail to post at least on the weekdays, so I should be posting everyday again (maybe twice a day to make up for lost time).
It is veree cold. I hate Darkfall. It is cold and wet all the time. I do not evin ramembar the last time I saw the suns. I feel... week without them. Turnd arond and weerd. nite and day get all mixd up fer me without them. I think it has rained evaryday this Darkfall and it duz not look like it will stop neethur.
I am working on a play. It is a small play rite now. I think it will be good. I have fond a few peepul to help me with it. I think mebbe I can convinss them to let me show it at the Dragon's Head. I will ask Bjar to help with the costumes. I will need a boy's outfit I think. Mebbe if ther is sumthin to work on batween prayers and training and work, I will feel bettar.
I am still trying to figger out why I have bin so touchee latlee. I think mebbe I have not bin rite sinss I got hurt by the Captin. Sumthing inside me is all... rong. I am trying to think of the rite word.
Unbalansed.
That is it. I feel like I am leening to one side mor and mor. Like I am leening away frum me. I think it is becuz I am not reelee a woman aneemor. My blood did not com, but the heelar sed I did not have a baby. I was eksidid. My mum told me that if you don't have blood, then you have a baby in you. She sed aftar you have a husbind then you can have a baby and the blood wont com. I do not have a husbind so I sappose it was only wishis I had.
I have dasidid that sinss I am not a woman no mor, I will be mor like a man. I got a man shirt and I wear pants alreddee. The only boots that fit me are man boots so I have those alreddee. I am going to cut off all of my hair. It is getting yukee aneeway. I do not like having yukee hair on me. It is hard to cleen rite. I do not no. Mebbe I wont cut it off. I will ask opinions of Sehki and Hemo and Bjar and Aubren. Mebbe I will ask Nybrylla... if I evar see her.
I wish Sky was arond. Then I coud ask her. She woud give me good adviss. Or Sil. But, I promissd myself not to have wishis. So, I will not think those things no mor.
I do not undarstand the Gods. They tell me one thing, then tell me somehing diffrint latar. I do not undarstand attall. I am stupid and dum. I got angry at aubren fer sumthin I shoud not have gottin angry ovar. I got angry cuz he asked me if it was bettar to be alone. I do not no why it made me so mad this time. I do not no. I shoud not have. I just felt so hurt inside. I felt hurt and brokin. Most of the time I woud have made a joke and laffd abot it. I woud have just shrugged it off, but this time it hurt me. It hurt me allot.
I ran away. I ran away frum all the assumpshins peepul make abot me. I ran away and tryd to cry but I coud not cry. No tears woud come. Wat is rong with me latlee? Evarything hurt me so much. Bjar telling me to be famlee, Aubren just asking a questin. Sehki.. Wat is rong with me? It is not like me.
The Gods came to me and told me it was my falt I was alone. I do not undarstand. Melchior did not want me with Rylian. And Balor showed me being alone. Fate has not brot no one to me. It has only takin away frum me. I liked James but he went away. I do not think I loved him. I do not think I've loved no one sinss Rylian. If I was not sapposed to be alone woudnt Balor have brot me sumone? Woudnt He have showed me sumone? Woudnt He have not showed me being alone?
Mebbe I am just to stupid to undarstand wat the Gods show me. Problee I am to dum. Melchior told me to be honist, so I am always honist. Balor showed me being alone and fighting, so I am alone and fighting. Melchior told me to pertekt the othar Dryths so I pertekt them. I just do wat I am told. Am I doing it rong? Am I?
I do not undarstand. I do not undarstand attall.
I hate being stupid. If I was smart like Missus Venice, I woud no wat they meen. Or if I was smart like Bjar I woud no. I can onlee take it all at face valu. Is that the rong way to take things?
Alright, I know this is out of place, but I have been thinking about writing something about this for some time. Now I'm sure most people are thinking uot there: What's so hard about playing a moron? how can it be challenging at all?
Well, let me tell you...
((If you have a hard time knowing why people do the things they do and keeping it out of the game, then bugger off and read no further.))
First off, let me tell you where I got the idea for Tzoli's mentality: My little sister. This here puts me a little closer to the character than I would have liked, but I wanted to play someone who was mentaly challenged, but not from birth. What? you say. Not from birth? How can that be? Well, one, there are horrible deseases in the world that most of the time (or at least a good portion of the time) kill children when they get them. Spinal Menengitis (sp??) is one of them. This will more or less cook your brain. Another one in Encephalitis. This is an inflamation of the brain. Anyway, yes, this is why Tzoli is ... slow. She had spinal menengitis as a child and should have died, but didn't.
So, in modeling her after my sister, I had to grapple not only with not making her my sister, but also, dealing with the fact that she is slow. This is actually quite hard for me because I see things happening in the game, but I know Tzoli wouldn't. I know she wouldn't understand the things. I know she would take things the wrong way.
Challenge #1: Tzoli has no concept of time.
This may not seem like a big deal, but it is. She has no concept on time qualifiers on sentances. If someone tells her to clean up. She doesn't understand that it only means clean up right now. She will take it to the extreme and always cleans up. There are few people she actually listens to, but the Gods, her mother and the people she respects qualify. When Melchior told her to be truthful, she didn't understand that he meant only right then, to him. Once again: no concept of time.
Of course, this also means that she has no concept of time itself. An hour, a day: it all seems pretty much the same to her. To help with this, she writes in her journal. It helps her keep track of days and thus of time. In her head, she can't tell if something happened a day ago or a week. There are two times to her: short and long. She gets confused and often mis-remembers things and will take one to be short and another to be long when they aren't.
Challenge #2: Tzoli has no concept of Money
If she ever had a silver coin, she would not know the difference between it and a gold coin. One coin is the same as one coin. She has a hard time counting above 20, and everything above it is basically lots. Her mother was quite wealthy, but she doesn't know this. All she knows is that she had want for nothing.
Challenge #3: Frustration at being Stupid
My little sister is frustrated all the time. She can't remember words, concepts, ideas, but they are there, in her head. I try very hard to portray this on Tzoli, and sadly, do a rather poor job of it. It is a very hard thing to do. It's like when you know a word and it is on the tip of your tongue, but you can't quite remember it. That is how she is with ideas and thoughts. Also, she has a hard time with words. Very often she doesn't know what they mean so she just ignores them and glosses over them. You'll all notice she smiles and nods a lot. There is a reason for this.
Challenge #4: Sex and relationships
She doesn't really know what sex is. She has a vague idea (Thanks Nybrylla and Venice hehe), but as a whole she doesn't get it. She knows there is something and that she wants it, but she doesn't understand it. She wants someone to love her, to be with her and to more or less take care of her. It's what she sees as proper for a woman. (and what most women of the time would see as proper). She knows what love is (a la Forrest Gump) just as she knows what the other emotions are and it frustrates her that relationships don't come to her even though she feels these things. (And no, she doesn't know where babies come from.)
There are other challenges as well, but some things should remain a mystery. Ha! Anyway, lately, these are the main things I struggle with when playing her. It's very hard to know what things mean then twisting them into what Tzoli would think they meant.
Ah well, it's fun.
I got smaked with a cane today fer being late to work. Sumtimes I hate work, but I like my job veree much. I like keeping things all cleen and tidee. bjar has bin sleepin in my room lots latlee. He sleeps on the floor. He sed he was thinking abot gittin a house. he sed i coud stay ther with him, like family. He sed I could share with his sister. I met his sister. She is niss.
It made me happy that Bjar askt me to stay with him like family. BUt, it also hurts me wen I think abot it. I do not no why it hurts. It feels like sumone kickd me in the guts. It feels like gitting stabbed all oavr agin. Why duz it hurt me? I want to be family. I want to belong sumwhere. Why duz it hurt so much tah be thot of as a sister to Bjar? Why?
We take care of eech othar like a brothar and sistar woud. He makes sure I do not have hedakes no mor by givin me medisins. I watch ovar him and help to pertekt him.
He offared me a job. A good job. He sed he wantid me to be the Captin of the Monastaree gard. He is bilding one of those monastarees to Melchior. He sed he wantid me to be the captin of the gard ther. I woud like that. I can be close to Bjar and help Melchior at the same time. Mebbe if I pertektid the monks and peepul of Melchior, then Melchior woud fergive me. Bein a gard woud also make Balor proud. I coud fight evaryday and fight fer a reesin. I woud git to train othar gards. Teech studint how to dafend themselves. It woud be a veree good job. Hardlee evin a job attall it is such a good one.