21 summers. I have 21 summers. Old. Old maid. That is wat I am now. Jus an old maid who kin nevar git marreed. I am to old now. Who wants an old ladee? Bak home no one evar got marreed wen they was old like me. Nevar. One time a girl got marreed wen she was 19 and that was old. That womin was my mum. She sed she was old wen she had me. 20 summers.
I went to see Bjar taday but he was not ther. I waitid fer a long time, but he did not come. I am haff glad. It is hard to see him.
I saw Sig taday and he saw Zarika. She was meen to him. So veree meen. I think it woud almost be bettar if Bjar was meen to me insted of being niss. It hurts so much wen he is niss. If he was at leest meen I could hate him a littal bit. It did not look like it helpt Sig nun tho. He cryd. I undarstood them teers and they made me sad. Sig issah good persin I think. He is sumone who must still have a big hart. I think manee peepul have veree small harts.
Sihavee talkt at me taday alsah. He sed life is simpal. Ded err alive. I think he is rong. Life ain't simpal now. No one can just have a simpal life. Marreed and babbees and a house. Evaryone has to always fight fer space, fer food, fer air. But he did think to ask me wat I did want.
My words go away on me now and I can not evin think rite. My hed is fuzzy and I am dizzee agin.
Did I eet taday?
I have bin spendint lots of time with Lee-o. She is niss. I fownd her all bloodee not long ago. Or mebbe she fownd me. I dunno. I carred her to the hospatal. She sed she got attakt my a wolf demmin. She was worreed becuz she fergot to close the gate. I promissed I woud close the gate and keep the demmins away from the city and make shur evarything was ok. She must have scart away all the demmins tho becuz I coud not find nun of them.
I spent manee hours with her in the hospatal until she got strong anuff to do magics to make hersself bettar. I braidid her hairs all purty. She is good at magics. She took me to the bariks wher she stays.
She went to the dinnar Bjar had. She sed I shoud come to luncheon with her and Missus Venice and the Captin Tal. I told her no, but she kept on saying I shoud. I think it woud be weerd fer me to spend time with them. Evaryone woud feel awkwerd if I was ther. I sed no no no. She sed okay. I do not think they want me arond eksept wen they want me fer a weppin.
I have not gone to see Bjar fer a long time. I shoud go and see him. Corse he has not come to see me neethur. It hurts lots to see him stil. It hurt worser then fire. I need to make my hart strongar bafer I see him stil.
It is my birthday. I went and offared blood and a weppin and sum armer and a meal to Balor. I prayed lots but ther was no square room undar the sky fer a propar sacrifiss. I shoud bild one. Mebbe if ther was a propar plass to Balor peepul woud raspect and worship him mor. That woud make me happy.
It is almost the day of my birth. Tamarow. Blooday.
I have bin thinking lots abot my birthday. Lots and lots. I no that I have had manee good birthdays, but I only evar think abot the bad one I had now. I do not ramembar evarything as cleer as I did bafer, but I ramembar all the pain.
I do not evin no why I was walking wher I was. To that barn. I do not no. I was just walking. I had my brand new dress of purple silk. My mum had got it fer me fer my birthday. My first grown up lady dress becuz I was going to be 15 and a lady. That is wat my mum sed. She sed 15 is grown up. She sed wen I was 15 for 3 month I woud git marreed also and then I woud be abal to have a fam'lee. She sed ther was manee things she woud tell me and teech me abot.
It was not reelee my birthday yet, a few day bafer, but my mum sed it was okay to wer the dress anaway. It was so purty. Purpal and silk with lots of skirts. My mum sed the dress saved my life. Funnee.
I herd Niko screem. Screem fer me act'lee. I have always wundared why he sceemd my name in the end ther. He did not evin no I was ther. I ran and ran. I ran to save him. I did not see the fire at first, but I herd all the screems. And the lauffter.
"Tzoli! Tzoli! Tzoli!"
He screemd my name like a gazillin times. Or mebbe I jus think it wuz screemd thah manee. I dunno no more. I do ramembar burnin. I ramembar Niko burnin an I ramembar whah it felt like wen I burnt up. I ramembar that pain. I think I ramembar it cuz it wuz thah last thing I evar felt in mah hands and arms.
I burnt up, mah shirts wuz on fire an Niko was like a usd up log. But I drug him out anaway. Mah hands burnt up to him an ferrah lil bit, evin tho we wuz not marreed yet, we wuz one. Fire made us one. In all thah pain, I was reddee to die then. I was reddee to turn into ashis an smoke.
My mum sed the dress savd me frum burnin up too much. All thah skirt slowed the fire burnin me, sah only mah hands an arms got burnt. My mum did magics on my arms to make them bettar sah they did not have to cut them off. I ramembar my reel birthday that yeer. In bed, bandiged up, hurting. Hurting all ovar.
That is how I bacame a lady. By fire.
I wish I did not ramembar that pain. Sumtimes I wake up in the nite and I feel it agin in mah arms, like I am burnin all ovar agin. Wen Cravik burnt me, I ramembared it agin. Wen Aanson burnt me I ramembared it agin.
This yeer, I want to onlee ramembar the good birthdays. if I rite this one down, mebbe it will go away frum me.
For those who havn't noticed, I am working on new graphics for this blog. I started with a new banner (if you can't see the new one, hit reload/refresh in your browser). I am contemplating an entirely new theme and this banner is only here for the interim. It is supposed to sort of lead into the next change.
Over the past year (yes it has been almost a year), I have watched as my character has changed and grown. She is still dumber than a sack of hammers, but she is a different person than she started as. Not quite as happy-go-lucky, though still much more so than other characters considering how many of her 'friends' have died, dissapeared and otherwise drifted away.
I've been reading over some of the first entries and I realized that she has become much more aware of herself than she started out. She has become something that a lot of people on Shadow Siege aren't... a good person. (Or at least a reasonably good person.) Through the last two years of her life (closer to three really due to a wonky time bug then switch that made the Darkfall last forever), she's changed despite her wanting not to.
So, in tribute to my character and nearly one year on Shadow Siege (Sept 30), I am going to completely redo the entire theme and feel of this blog. I'll admit the last change was a rather large one, but I think I'm going to go with different colours now. And I think I'll be using frames to make something similar to the Deceit of the Amaranth or like my BlogofRealplay.
Dinner. Bjar invitid me to dinner. He nos how I have bin sik evin tho no one teld him nuthing. If he new I was sik, why dint he come and see me in my room? Mebbe it was him nocking on my door to ramind me to eet.
Five days until the Day of my Birth. Blooday. It is almost here. I do not think I want to see peepul this year. I am an old maid now. 21 summers and still alone. Too old now fer a husbind to want me. I do not have no dowree anaway. And no mum to ask fer permishin frum eethur.
I think it is not so bad to be alone. It hurts sumtimes, but it is not so bad. Eksept wen evaryone else has sumone arond me. That seems like always. All of my frends complain to me abot love problims. I think that hurts to. They do not think abot it. But, it is not bad. I smile reel big and nod my hed, I make my hart smile allso.
I ramembar last yeer Sehki got me a poshin he made himself. I ramembar he got himself blowd up making it. I miss Sehki. Nybrylla and Lycenth got me the rings I wer. I wundar sumtimes why I still wer them evin noing wat she is now. I think becuz wen she gave them to me we was frends. I do not think we are frends no mor. That makes me sad to. I think I wil ramembar the Nybrylla that was my frend insted of the one I had to crush with my hammar. That was a good persin. I think then the onlee thing she wantid was the same thing as me. To be loved.
Mebbe that it still the onlee thing she wants. I dunno. She is wat she is an that meens we can not be frends no mor. I made a promiss to Melchior and to balor. I made a promiss and that promiss is importint to me.
I think fer my birthday I will go away frum evaryone. I do not evin no who my reel frends is no mor.
This is an old Yarsinian Ballad Tzoli knows. It was actually written pre-darkness, but it somehow has become more relavent post-darkness.
Wake up, wake up sister.
Our bed of leaves and sand is cold
Wake up, wake up sister.
I fell asleep here in your arms
More than a thousand years ago
Wake up, wake up sister.
The wind breaths dark words through the forest
There is sorrow on the land
Love must have cast a spell upon us.
Wake up, wake up sister.
The path lies open there before us.
We must run before the rains start again.
We must walk hand in hand
So the darkness doesn't fall upon us.
Wake up, wake up sister.
The world has changed around us
No more are the days of carefree play
We must learn to make our way alone.
Wake up... wake up sister.
Do not be dead in my arms.
I cannot follow you to Annwn.
Wake up...
Wake up Sister.
Tyrd latlee. So veeree Tyrd. I do not do nuthing but sleep. And eet. peepul bang on my door and make shur I eet. I do not no who duz it. I shoud thank them.
I have not reelee seen no noe fer days. I see Morhion a lot. He is uglee like me. Probableee worser then me. He is like a demmin. That is OK tho. He is veree niss to me. He is not a monstar on the inside like me. My monster is on the inside, Wen Morhion speeks to me he is niss. He duz not have pitee in his voice like evaryone elss. He duz treet me like a kid tho. In my hed I think that he is wat a father woud be like. I think. I dunno. I onlee evar saw othar peepuls pas. He sed I was pretty. The onlee othar persons who have called me pretty are Bjar and my mum. They are both Familee. Well... Bjar thinks like we are familee.
Evin tho that cuts me up and he nos it. I wundar if he is crule on purpiss?
I have not bin bak to the hospatal fer days. I hate that plass. I also have not bin to Bjars for days. I do not want him to no I have the malnutrishin sikniss. He ... he has to be selfish rite now I think. Like all of t*scribbles here, lots of scribbles as looking for the right word fails* he is selfish. They are all arrogint and selfish.
I am selfish to but not like them.
Bjar duznt reelee car abot peepul. I think he hates peepul reelee. He has no room in his hart fer no one but his 'familee'. His hart is all fulld up onlee with familee and Melchior. I think he must have a veree small hart. My hart must be biggar then his. I can fit in all the Gods, Balor and lot and lots of peepul. Evin ugly peepul.
Evin monstars like me.
I am in the hospatal agin. I am not injuard or nuthin tho. Fedim wun let me leeve. He sed I am starving and have a malnutrishin. He sed I have to eet mor. I do eet. It is hard tho becuz I do not have manee monees. I do eet. I have sum bred and watar wen I got it. and I ate bafer the match in the turnamint. They do not no how manee coins food is cuz they can make food frum magic.
They sed I wuz to skinnee and that I had to stay and eet breds and water fer days an that I had to eet mor. How am I sapposd to eet mor if I hav no coins? I can not let peepul take care of me becuz I am a grown up now. Sinss I hav no famalee or a husbind, I have to take care of myself. It is hard to be a womin without a husbind I think. They do not undarstand her in the Hospatal cuz they is all men and hav good jobs and get manee coins.
Why does the Inn not pay me anuff to eet with? Pro'blee cuz I am always late and they take away coins fer it. And I give haf to the orfanige.
Lord Aanson sed I wantid to die. That is a filthy lie. He used sum facifal word fer it I do not no, but he told he ment that. Why woud I want to die? That is wrong. I told him not to tell Bjar. Bjar will jus worree and go out of his hed like always. Peepul think I am bad with my emoshins... BJar is worser 'en me. All ovar his fass. He has to much rite now. and... I am not importint.
The nursis are coming agin to make me eat mussy bred. They come evary few hours I think to make me eet littal bits.
Fedim sed the malnutioshin takes a long time to happin. If that is tru how come no one notissed bafer?
I met a skrel yestarday. He was niss I think. He was in the dojo practissing like I was. He sed I fite good. He must have wachd me an Kwill sparring. It was not a good match up. I did not want to embarass Kwill in front of peepul so i went veree eezee on him. I did not kick or punch hard attall. I evin moved slowar then normal. I turnd it into a lessin fer him.
I do not ramembar the Skrels name. I think he told me, but I fergot it. He sed that he nos prayers to Balor. He sed he woud try to come to my tournamint. I think he will do good ther. Many of the othar peepul coming will do good to I think. I think it will be good. Yes. Good. Mebbe the Skrel and I will have a match tagethur.
I need to find Bjar. See if he made me the sash. If not I will have to go and just buy sumthing fer the prize. That is o k. I hope peepul have fun and give Balor lots of praise. I hope they say good things fer him and Balor is happy.
I need to think of a prayer to start the tournamint with. I have to make it good. I think I have a good one alreddee.
Soon is my birthday. I think I will have a partee with cookees.
Summer! I like summer. It is the best time of the hole year.
It is a good time I think. Soon my tournamint will happin. I wantid it in the summer becuz summer is the best time fer fiting I think. Mebbe that is werd, but I have always felt mor alive in summer. All fulled up of enargee and life and happiniss.
Bjar gave me a key and showd me my new room. It is reelee half of a room. Well, a Tzoli half cuz I am big. It is all dun up in red, my faveritist coler. It is just like my room bak home eksept littler. It makes me think of home to be in ther. I slept ther and did not have a nitemare and wake up. I think that is good. He made a Balor symbal just fer me evin tho he and evaryone else ther is all Melchior worshippers.
I am looking forward to the tournamint. I askt Bjar agin to make a sash. I do not no if he has tho. I hope so. I evin have monees for the sash to pay him. Cravik gave me my coins bak frum the othar tournamint that did not happin. That is good I think. I have many coins right now of diffrint sizis and colers. I think if I give them to Bjar it shoud be anuff fer a sash. It is just a littal bit of cloth. Nuthin fancy or nuthing.
I hope lots of peepul come. That will be good.
It will be good fer Balor. I want to make Him prowd of me and do sumthing good.
The eyes seem to glow from in the darkness.
One Green...
One Gold...
...it's His fault...
...sister...
...He did this to me...
The feeling of tearing in two, ripping apart. trying to flee the eyes that glow in the dark. But the eyes follow, always in sight. With eyes closed, they are still there, burning into the soul.
No... not you... please...
...He did the same to ye...
...sister...
Spinning, falling, fading.
One hand is grabbed, then the other. One hand is grabbed by the green eye, the other by the gold. Yet, they are two different people. One hand female, the other male. Pulling in different directions.
...the pain Tzoli... so much worse now...
Kin, sister, help me..
Pulling, stretching, tearing.
-pain-
The body rips in half, the heart tears down the middle.
Melchior? Why?
Swinging, fleeing, stretching. Struggling.
Crawling away in the cloak of darkness, the eyes burning, glowing, lighting the way. Struggling to flee, to get out of the line of sight.
...Liar...
...Oathbreaker...
Shut Up!
Swinging hands wildly: then, a hammer.
Blood, brains, EYES...
We're the same. Ye and I, Tzoli.
No!
Smashing, hitting, frantic fighting against an already dead body. But the eyes continue to stare, to pierce.
One Green
One Gold
We were sisters.
...sister...kin...
Oh Gods... Melchior? What am I?
Darkness swirls in, leaving only the glow of two eyes. The body turns to smoke, immolated to ash, never to rise. Only the brand on the arm remains in the dust that was once ...
dryth...human...nothing
-pain-
One Green...
One Gold...
Two Black.
Gods...
I've killed a Vek..
A frend.
I smushed in her skull.
I promised I woud pertekt her. I promised.
She lookt at me. I saw her eyes staring at me. I coud not tell if they wuz beggin or angry or anathing. It ripped me on the inside. Breking me in to.
She was drinking blood. Blood of sumone week. The woman loved by one of my frends. She was talking abot Melchior like it was His falt. Like He made her that. Like she was the onlee one who felt alon. Like she was the onlee one who did not no wat to do. Like she was the onlee one hurting frum it.
Gods...
My hand will not stop shaking. I see her eyes. Evin with my eyes wide opin I still see her eyes.
Melchior.. can you fergive me now?
Can you fergive me?
I killed a frend fer you. I killed her burnt the body.. I think I did. The torch..
I hope she finds peese. I hope I can.
I no neethur of us will tho.
I shoud have tied her up and takin her to the Gard to git the coins. I shoud have, but I coud not. Time... evaryone was cownting on me. The Captin, Leo, Lord Ansen, Sigfreed, Fedim. I had to go and did not have time to be bothared with mor.
I was still to late.
I do not no wat I missd, but evaryone was brokin.
I think mor is coming to.
Fire... my tru weekniss.
I hate it. I hate it more than anathing.
The burn, the sting, the pain.
Mostlee the smell. The smell of myself burning.
I can not help but ramembar evarything. Niko, the barn, the flames. Evarything. The laffing. The screams. The feel of flames crawling on me, burning me. The smell of flesh.
Now I also cannot fergit the smell of the brand on my arm. The feer of that iron pressing in me. My failure to Melchior. My sad attemt to make it rite by submitting to the flames.
I hate fire.
It scares me.
I have not seen Aubren fer a wile. I have bin waiting fer him to come to the Dojo to see me. Or the Inn. But he has not come. I guss he is busy or sumthing. I do not no. I miss tlaking with him I think. Not manee peepul talk with me no mor.
Oh well.
I have also not seen Bjar in a few days. I guss that si good. It gives me time to think. It is hard to think. The thots are all screaming at me, but they are not reelee ther attall. I dunno. I can not make the rite words fer it. I try to grab a thot in my hed, but it goz away into dark. Like I am trying to grab smoke.
Words are hardar fer me latlee to.
I train lots, just to fall away frum me. To make my hed silint. That is good. Wen I train evarything is cleer and its just me and movemint. The world is gone fer a littal bit. I rote to Cravik to ask abot helping the gard like Bjar askt me to. He rote me bak and sed i coud help to train new recruits. I think mebbe that is good.
I need to think abot it.
I wish I coud think rite.