So, The time has come to say goodbye. I really enjoyed writing this Blog. I hope you all enjoyed reading it. I am amazed I lasted this long and pleased with how things went.
This is the IC last entry. Enjoy.
--Utopia
==================
"Yes, I do believe you are."
The voice is like ice on the surface of the molten River. There is no source. The sunless sky remains as it was, but in the distance, the boatman can be seen. "Come." She steps onto the boat, she is alone. "You are lucky you died on a Morday."
Crossing the river, she stares out. She watches the wave lap up and over the distancing shore. She smiles inwardly as she watches the sky pass by, unmoving, unchanging. Despite the River being of molten lead, it is calm, or perhaps it is merely the feeling of her heart.
"Soon, soon I'll be there... soon I'll see them all again."
A warm glow spreads over her and she smiles. "Yes, soon now." The boat glides to the far shore of the River, hitting land. "Off."
As she steps off, she is greeted by one of Morhiag's Cwn Annwn. She stares at the beast for a moment, knowing she should feel fear at it. Knowing that if she was not standing on the shore of the River Leath, she probably would feel fear. Instead, she simply smiles. "I rekkin yer here tah take me tah thah City?"
The beast turns and starts walking and she follows. A wall of thorns appears, another, soon, she is surrounded, following the beast through the maze. Others also wander, but she pays them no mind, her focus set only on the creature leading her through the maze.
For days, months or maybe only minutes they walk through the maze. Time has no meaning, no purpose. When they arrive at the end of the maze, the tall woman walks through the gate, greeted by a host of people on the other side. Most of them walk in a daze, uncaring, unaffected by anything. Some weep, others moan and wail, some even run through the streets laughing. This is the City of the Dead. The unjudged live here.
She smiles and turns to thank the creature, but it is gone and the gate is closed.
"Zo!"
She turns.
"Zo!"
She blinks. "Oh Gods above me an' below me." The tears fall immediately. And she runs to him. "I... dreamed, I dreamed of this..."
The boy embraces her. He is much shorter than she, younger, unaged and unchanged. Through her blurry eyes she strokes his hair. "Zo... I've been waitin'. I've been waitin an' waitin. I had tah tell yah I'm sorry." He looks up at her, his eyes clear now. "Zo... I'm sorry I left yah. I din't mean tah. I'm sorry I got yah burnt up with me."
"Six years...Yah waitid six year jus tah tell me thah?" She drops to her knees, embracing her friend. He kisses the top of her head. "Yup, I waitid. Yer awfal pop'ular here. Well, in sum circals anaway." He laughs, rubbing her cheek. "Yah found ah good place an made lotsah friends who loved yah."
"Why did yah wait?" She asks, looking up at him now from her knees.
"I hadtah. I said we'd be tagethur. I'd make yah happy. I left evarythin undone. I nevar told yah how much I loved yah. I nevar told yah how I begged yer mum to let me marry yah. I nevar told yah nuthin like thah." He pats her head lovingly. "I think mebbe I hurt yah real bad when I went and died without yah. I nevar wanid tah do thah, sah I hadtah wait. I had tah git yer fergivniss bafer I went tah find mah judgemint."
He lifts her up, she stands almost a foot above him now. "Yah got tallar agin, din't yah?"
"I rekkin I did."
"Why are yah here sah soon?" he asks, looking at her.
"Cuz I died."
"Why did yah go an do ah thing like that?" he scolds softly.
"Cuz I'mmah warrier."
He laughs, lifting a hand to her cheek. He touches her hand, bringing it to his lips. "I shouldah known. Yah fallahed aftar yer father anaway, din't yah?" he kisses her hand again. "I rekkin yah went an tried tah be all heroic, likah knight in onnah yer stories. How many men did it take tah bring yah down?"
"Jus one."
He scoffs, "One?"
"Mmm... I died tah save him. I rekkin it wuz technically thah demmin thah took me down."
He kisses her hand again. "We could stay here ferevar yah an me."
"No, we kinna. I gotta go." She waves to the Temple of Morhiag. She taps her heart, "I feel it here. I gotta go there. It's callin me."
He smiles up at her, caressing her face, "Lay with me then."
"Alright." And without qualms they did. They lay together both for the first time in the City of the Dead. They embraced as lovers and for a brief moment, everything was as it should have been in life. They lay together for days, enjoying one another as they had been unable to in life. And when it was over, they walked toward the Temple as one.
"Oh Zo... yer thah same as evar. I missed yah." He kisses her hand again. "I always knew yah werah hero. I knew yah'd grow up tah beah knight." He looks at her, "I'll join yah soon. I promise."
"Niko...I love you..." she says, touching his cheek again. "We wouldah hadah wondarful fam'lee. Yah an me. We wouldah... Mebbe in thah next life? Right?"
He smiles and nods. "Yes Zo, in the next life."
He falls away from her, over shadowed by others. Whether he goes to the Temple or not, she is unsure. She stands upon the stairs leading up to it in no time. The priests greet her there. "Are you ready?"
Her black eyes fall upon them and she smiles. "Yes. Yes I am."
The priests lead her in. They do not seem like the others in the city. Dead... alive.. it is impossible to tell. They begin to prepare her for the ceremony. She doesn't fuss, she doesn't prim. She simply accepts it as they dress her, clean her, pray over her. "Clean, I feel so clean. This is what peace is. This is it. I am ready."
"Come with us."
She follows the priests to the Throne of Morhiag. For a split second she feels fear. Fear of being overwhelmed in the presense of a Goddess, of a God. The ceremony begins, everything is a blur.
"This is your final judgement!"
She looks up, her lips parting as she stares into the face of her Final Fate. "You have served the Gods. You have shown Faith. For this, you are rewarded. You died with Your Lords's name on your lips." She simply nods then.
A hand is felt on her back, a strong hand. She turns to see a man, not so much unlike herself. "Come. I have come to take you home now."
She follows the tall man, a man she can look in the eye as he speaks. "Where...?"
"To our Lord. He calls for you." he says, taking her to the chariot that awaits them. He waves to a weapon with in. A gleaming hammer, simple, strong, sturdy. "For you, The Hammer of Yarsin... of Telantha."
She grins and picks up the weapon. "Thanks."
"Tzoli... nice work on that Vek in the woods. That Demon too."
She stops and stares at the man. "How do you know my name?"
"How can I not know the name of the child named after me?"
"Pappa..."
"Come now, your mother is waiting for us with Balor."
The End
I have written the following to wrap up Tzoli's story because I felt there were things that still needed saying. A few things that will show everyone where she was coming from and how she felt at the end.
Also, I was one entry away from 250.
So, the following stories (there should be one more after this one) are "The End".
On the Shores of the River Leath
”….Don't lose yourself and you'll find happiness."
Losing her strength, her will, her soul was pulled back to the shores of the River Leath before she could finish her last line that now echoed around her now by the river.
“Remember… to smile and never lose hope. Keep Faith and Hope…”
She wondered idly if they heard it. She didn’t care anymore. She had said her last goodbyes to those she cared for and fulfilled all her promises as best she could.
She never saw Morhion turn back into a man. She never saw the people mourn for her. She never knew that she was missed.
Looking up to the sunless sky, she smiled and said her final prayer. She was calm, calmer than she had ever felt. “My purpose, I’ve lived my purpose and now I am ready to be judged. They’ll all be fine without me. I know it.” She looked to the seemingly endless river; the ethereal waters of the River that would lead her to Annwn. “That water… that is what I wish to be… those waters. So calm and serene. So peaceful, so strong, so constant. To be like water.”
“Morhiag… Balor… Gods, I am ready to be judged. I am ready for you to see me as I am. I have nothing more to hide, nothing more to do. I’ve lived my purpose.”
And so, she moved forward in her bitter-sweet peace. She thought of the moments of her life, each one pulling strongly on her heart. The heart that had always ruled her life was now pulling on her to continue forward to her final Fate. A fate which left her no fear, only resolve.
“Momma…”
She remembered as a child how she had played at her mother’s feet. Reading books together. She remembered how she didn’t struggle with it as she had later in life. The word on the page was natural. She laughed and smiled and was happy at her mother’s skirts. She remembered being cherish. “My little star, my little sun, you are so smart. You’re going to grow up to be stronger than your father. Balor surely has blessed us to give us such a perfect child.” The warmth of the woman spread had always spread over her like a blanket. A warm afghan that wrapped her up to gently and gave her strength on the coldest days. “My little star, Balor’s blessing is on you.”
“Momma… soon, soon we’ll be together again.”
“The fever has taken her mind and left her empty. You should just let her go. Do not save her as a shell.” The sagoma laid his wrinkled hand on the woman who stands over the bed. “She is not a shell. She is my daughter. I will not have her die in this way. She has a great Fate and I will not stand back and let her die.” The woman shoves the sagoma aside, showing remarkable strength as she tosses him like a bale of hay. “Little star… little star. My little Sun, you have to listen to me now, you have to listen and hear my words. You have to accept what I am going to do…”
The ritual. A distant memory long forgotten. She remembered now how her mother had saved her life. Inscribed the Runes of the Gods upon her and made her repeat the words.
“I accept… I… accept Balor, Morhiag on... me.”
She remembered the blinding pain of the fever and the delirium that had struck her down from the lofty height to which she had been born. She remembered the feeling of the slice of the knife on her back, the carving of the runes onto the dark skin. The inking of the scars. She remembered it all.
And she was thankful.
“She knew all along. She must have known for a long time.”
As she walked along the shore, she was reminded of the days after the ritual. How she had to work ten times as hard just to think. How she couldn’t grasp the simplest things anymore. How she struggled just to keep up with her daily chores and remember her tasks. She remembered how her mother worked with her every day, every night, every moment to keep her strong. She remembered the late nights when she struggled with the simplest of assignments from her posh school.
The images of her mother soon faded and she began to remember the others who had been in her life. Others who she would soon meet in Annwn.
“Ah Zo… yah tell the best stories. Yah realee oughtah give up tryin tah fight. Give up on tryin tah be like yer pa.” The boy with the milky eyes laid his head on his hands. Wheat surrounded them as they lay deep within the crops, hiding away from the chores. “I know, I know. Yah kinna give it up. One day we’ll have children yah know and yah’ll have tah give it up.” His hand reaches blindly for her and she takes it. “Only ahnuthur month ‘til we’re wed,” she says with a smile.
“I’m so happy,” they say in unison. They laugh, the wind whipping the wheat around them.
“We’ll name tha first boy aftar me. Nikolas Evan. An’ we’ll name the second boy after yah. Tzoli Kita. They’ grow up an’ be strong an’ clever. Annah lil’ girl, we’ll name her Dorra aftar my grams.” The boy sighs, brushing the tips of his fingers over the wheat he cannot see. “I’ll run thah farm an yah’ll be thah best mum in thah wholah Yarsin.”
“Well, I rekkin thah’s be awfal nice. Sah long as we kin name onnah em Jeri an onnah ‘em Silvia. An yah lemme teach ‘em Balor’s ways. Yah know I gotta do thah.” The boy smiles and nods. “Ah course. I’d ‘spect nuthin less frum thah Daughter ovah Gibor.”
“Zo… I am gunna make yah happy. Yer mah best friend. Mebbe we’ll evin learn tah love each other like all them Knights and Princessis yer always making storees about. Yah’ll be thah Knight an’ I’ll be thah princess. Yah’ll rescue me an’ we’ll be in love ferever and ever. Blessed by thah Gods themselves.”
“Oh Niko… we’ll be together again soon.”
“Tzoli, ye old romantic you.” The girl with the cross-hatch scars says, taking over this part of her walk down the River. “You know, I’m going to do something for you. I promised Elbahn and the rest of the Gods I would do something to give you pleasure. You’re my friend.” The girl sits on a cot in a small cloister, holding a cherry laden spoon. The pair laugh together scooping up another bite of the shared pie.
“Yah dun gotta do nuthin tah give me pleasure yah know. Yer back an I’ll pertect yah now.” The woman playfully punches her arm and smiles. “I know I don’t have to. I want to. I’m going to make you a dress. The finest dress of red silk cuz it's your favourite. One that will make even you look like a woman. One that will bring you your knight in shining armor.”
“Sil… I wonder if you’re in Annwn too. Did the Demons get you when you walked south?”
“Knight in shining armor? Well Tzoli, I’m not much of a knight.” A boy with curly red hair sits on the ground, legs crossed. “I love yer hair.” she says, changing the subject. She reaches out and touches the curly red mop. “Its mah fav’rit coler yah know. Bright an shiny red. I love it.” He smiles at her and picks up his knife, cutting off a lock, his cheek darkening to the colour of his hair. “Then it’s a gift to you.” The scarred hand clutches the lock tightly. “Thah’s thah best gift evar.”
“Tzoli… you know, we should get married. You and me. I’ll give you a child like you want.” he leans forward and kisses her softly. His cold lips leaving desire where they touched as he pulls away. “I’d like to give you a child. Something that is us. I don’t know how long I’ll be around to be its father, but I know you’ll be the best mother and care for it without me.”
“Rylian… I wonder if You’re with your Dark Queen now too. Did you meet Niko in Annwn? I wonder if you two are fighting over me now like…”
“For Tzoli they fought a duel, the Monster and the Reeve….”
Whispers course through the streets, “Did you hear who was fighting? Did you hear who they were fighting over?” The words drift past the ears, caught on the air of rumors. “Can you believe it? That hammer wielding dryth. They were fighting for her.”
“Tzoli, we fought the other day. Morhion and I. I won…” “Tzoli the gods blessed me in the fight. And then this… My dearest, I’ll become a man for you.”
“I wonder if he will ever become a man. I’m sure of it. He doesn’t need me for that. Not at all. Ylessa will bless him. So sweet. I’m sure when he’s a man again, he’ll find someone new and better than me.”
The river grow more still, the slow, rhythmic waves of molten lead. Watching the water she thought of another, Bjar. She smiles to herself as she paused in her quest to the city. “He came back from the city. After he saw Her. Didn’t humble him at all. But, that is who he was, full of himself to the bitter end. That’s something I loved about him.”
“Tzol, I want to take your sins away for you. I’ll take them onto myself.” They sit over a table, eating stew and rabbit. “Yah know I kina let yah do thah in thah same way yah wou’nt let me do thah same thing fer yah. There’sah resin I ain’t nevar evin asked.” He shrugs and smiles slightly. “I figured you’d say no.”
“I hadtah. But I rekkin we kin lean on each other an’ hold each other up. I got strong shoulder yah know. I kin carry lotsah stuff.” He smiles, looking tired. “Yes, yes you can my sister. Now, go and win that tournament for me.”
The girl on the shore laughs slightly. “It doesn’t hurt anymore to be called Sister.” She laughter turns louder, brighter and jovial. She looks up to the sky in a mirthful prayer. “Ah Melchior… watch over him. He’ll need someone to lean on and You’re the only one he’s really got now.”
She turns from the river and continues on her way. The sky seems ethereal around her. “I am ready to be taken… I wonder how much longer to the city. To be judged.”
Pain in the head, an arm around her shoulder; warm and comforting. A gentle embrace. "We are friends. We both ask and give the same thing. And that is why there is peace." Time passes and the lips draw near, but do not touch, pulled away by fear.
“Yes, there is peace. I’m glad I protected you Aanson. You’ll be able to do so much more than me in the World. I don’t blame you at all. I knew… I knew from the moment you pulled me out of the cell that I wasn’t going to be going back. I knew. I should have told you, but you wouldn’t have let me go.”
She stops on the shore and stares outward. “I knew…” she murmurs aloud, her voice haunting and breathy.
“Yes… yes. Now I am ready to be judged.”
And so... this chapter of my roleplay Ends, and Tzoli walks the Shores of the River Leath. She walks to the City Annwn to be judged.
She died happy.
This is her last goodbye.
The Western Gate
The large wooden doors extend fifteen feet up in height, each easily at
least eight feet in width. A large iron bar runs along the backs of the
door, ready to secure it closed against any forces outside, or simply to
lock up for the night. A smaller door is carved into the Northern of the
larger door, allowing folk to traverse through out into the plains with-
out having to open the larger heavy set doors. Two large ornate stone urns
mark the beginnings of a large and well traversed cobbled street that extends
out to the East.
[ Exits: north east south (west) ]
(x4) A corpse of a tall, gangly human is lying here.
Aanson, a wan-faced man is fighting a horribly deformed human!
Morhion, a horribly deformed human is fighting a wan-faced man!
You shimmer into existance..
"I never doubted your love." Aanson smiles sadly, and all his kha turns to mere mist, as he abandons his attempt at healing. "But whatever it is that Ylessa saw in you...it must have died along with her." He draws the dagger from his belt, and holds it out towards Morhion. "No more games. Abandon this madness, now, and return to the Seven. I..." His eyes widen, and he looks over at Tzoli.
Tzoli smiles brightly from over her corpse and waves her hand. Her hair is loose, waving about her head as if there is a light breeze. "Stop it. I'm leaving now. I'm going to be judged. Stop it... no regrets. No regrets." She brings her hand to her lips and kisses them before moving her hand outward. "Don't cry..."
Morhion as Aanson looks over at Tzoli so does he.
You think to yourself: 'One regret... just one. That I was too cowardly to say anything while I was alive. That I was too cowardly to tell you... to kiss you. I'm a coward, but I have no regrets, I protected you, so I have no regrets. I'm going to my mother now... to my father. To Annwn. I have no fear anymore. No regrets.'
"Tzoli..." Morhion is instantly forgotten, though Aanson still holds out his dagger. "I...Tzoli...!" He cannot quite seem to string words together. "Not...don't you go, too..."
Tzoli smiles softly and looks down at her corpse. She chuckles, lifting a hand to her mass of hair. "No regrets... this was my Fate. I told you it was my fate. Balor showed me. I was ready. I... wasn't meant for this world anymore. I never belonged. I was always out of place... in between. I'm going now... going to get judged by the Gods." She smiles softly and reaches a hand out. "You're strong. Stronger than me."
Morhion grows quiet for a moment before..his claw-like hand is still in a fighting position, before he pulls something out of his bag: a worn pieace of parchment. His words are strung along as he speaks, "My Beloved...I was going to give this to you...I dropped it from my bag...and found it once again...I was making a present for you...a late birthday present...I told you I'd finish it remember...? You were so happy when I told you..." his hand shakes gently.
"No I'm not," Aanson murmurs, touching his fingertips to Tzoli's. He shivers as fingers merely pass -through- hers. He glances over at Morhion, but only for a second, before his attention is on Tzoli again. "I don't believe it," he murmurs. "This...this wasn't. Not here. Not yet."
Morhion grow silent again...the fight slowly being drained from his eye as the emotion of the lose hits him once again..
"I didn't mean to lie to you Aanson. I didn't want to come back and give you a haunt, but I also didn't want to lie to you. I promised you I would tell you what I was thinking yesterday. I promised and I didn't tell you because I'm a coward." Tzoli reaches her hand up to Aanson's cheek, but is unable to touch it. "I'm a coward... like you said you were a coward. I understand now. I do. Its clear in my head. For the first time... clear." She smiles at Aanson. "Thank you... for the day when you held me. It meant a lot to me. No one ever... I'm sorry I'm a coward."
"Don't be," Aanson murmurs, a shiver running through him. "You're not. You're anything but." He slowly points over at Tzoli's corpse, but does not look at it. "The proof is right there. And right here, in front of me." He forces a weak smile, "You...you sound different."
Tzoli looks upward and smiles, hugging her arms around her torso. "I gotta make sure yah kin undarstand whah I'm sayin." She says, looking back with a wink. She laughs, her voice bright, soft, strangely serene. "I have no regrets any longer. I've serve my God and my friends." She looks over to Morhion and smiles. "Morhion, become a man again. You don't need me for that. You're like the father I never had." She turns back to Aanson. "And you... I... I've never felt peace like I did with you. When the times are hard, call on me and I'll try to be with you."
Aanson rubs at the corner of his eyes, wiping away moisture. "You...seem happier, now." His forced smiled becomes a bit more genuine, but he seems to be on the verge of some sort of breakdown. "Know that I'll think of you. Wherever it is you go. Balor, or...or elsewhere." He slowly sheaths his dagger, and sighs. "Thank you," he murmurs.
Tzoli touches her heart, then reaches out to Aanson again. "You'll find everything you ever wanted, I know it. You'll find everything... and you'll be happy. Alright?" She smiles and takes a step to Aanson. "Trust in Them. Trust okay? Trust and maybe in the next life we all be happy together. All of us. My mum, you, me, Zarika, Lia, Niko, Rylian... everyone. We'll all be happy in the next life."
Morhion rumages through his bag and removes the entire parchment as he listens as Aanson converces with Tzoli who he cannot see.
"I will." Aanson says, hunching over and very much looking his age. "I will. But...but..." His smile begins to fade, "When it is...my time, I do not think She will allow me to join you." He begins to hold out a hand, but perhaps realizing Tzoli's condition, he soon brings it back. "You, though. You will be happy."
Morhion walks over to Tzoli's body his form now covered once again and he lays a piece of parchment on her bloodied chest...his voice is low at first until he begins to say something obviously known quite well...
"It will be fine. We'll all be together. I've been good enough for the both of us. I shine." Tzoli laughs and nods once. "I'll stand up fer yah." She flexes her ethereal arm and grins birghtly. "I love you Aanson. I didn't mean to. It was an accident you know. You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I didn't get enough time. But... it's alright. I trust in the Gods, this was meant to be. I'm glad I could protect you... I want you to live and be happy. I want you to live."
"I warned you, you know," Aanson says quietly, and he can't hold back the tears any longer. He does not sob, but they flow, nonetheless. "I told you this would happen." He chuckles bitterly, "Thank you, Tzoli. I suppose that's all I can do, now. Live."
Tzoli begins to fade from sight, "Take care of the children for me. Tell them a good story. Tell them I was brave and I was strong to the end." She smiles, "I'll miss them all. My rings... sell them and give the money to the orphanage. And my hammer... well, sacrifice it to Balor for me. Sacrifice it for me." She laughs. "You didn't do this. I did. I did this. not you. Don't you ever blame yourself. This is who I am. A warrior to the end. I had to fight. You know I had to. You know that I had no choice. Maybe The Gods will be kind to me at my judgement." She smiles and walks forward to Aanson. "I should have been dead ages ago. I was blessed that I lived long enough to meet you. People like me aren't meant for the world.."
"...I shall never forget you my Beloved....never..." Morhion's claw-like hands begin to tremble, and as he finishes he turns around slowly and walks towards the Eastern Gates leaving...allowing Aanson to speak with her spirit. His movements are shambled. His body shows of one lost; lost to everything.
Tzoli waves to Aanson, brushing her ethereal lips over his lips. "I love you. Don't be sad for me. I'm happy now. I dead and now I'm happy. I've lived my purpose." She smiles. "I know you can be strong. I know you'll find peace... I'll be here..." She brushes her hand over Aanson's heart. "I promise. Don't lose yourself and you'll find happiness."
On the Far Shore of Death
A low, gray sky like a leaden shroud covers this unreal land, illuminated at
the edges of visibiliy as if, in this sky, there were no sun; the glow of
everlasting and colourless twighlight simply exists, suffused with the air
itself. It, the spectral light, casts a dreary peace on fine, white sand
beneath - the shore of a spaceless sea, molten lead itself and lapping
eternally with hushed waves, the river of death. You, yourself, are formless,
but not alone; there are others that can be felt, but not seen. To sight,
there is only the sky above, the sand beneath, the sea behind, and ahead: only
ethereal fog, an expanse of nothingness.
You think to yourself: 'I am ready now. I am ready to go now. Morhiag... Balor... Gods... take me. Keep them happy without me. I am ready to be judged as you will.'
**No regular entries for a while. Once again, Tzoli is in jail and has no access to her journal.**
A boy with curly red hair. "I love you Tzoli." His hands reach out and fall away, leaving only the soft moistness on her lips.
I love him.
Liar.
I loved him.
The boy with the spider holds his hand to his chest, gloved and hidden. A gentle touch before he turns to smoke and vanishes like he never existed. "I do love you Tzoli."
Oh come back... come back...
You don't want him.
pain
Falling down into darkness. Alone on a stone floor. Laying there in the cold, the sound of moaning everywhere. "I love you Tzoli."
"It would be a lie."
"You are my flower."
"We are friends. We both ask and give the same thing. And that is why there is peace."
pain
The stone lifts up and envelopes her, creating a tomb. Darkness settles in. The stone press down and close in.
Fickle.. Weak little girl.
Coward.
The stones become heavier, more piling on. The chest starts to squeeze. The heart tight. Heartbreak sets in. The touch of a soft hand on the cheek. "I'll do something."
Peace
Fickle
"...Monster..."
"...Going to Die..."
"..hang you..."
Bjar...
Aanson...
..weak, fickle heart..
The stones collapse in and crush her. The heart breaks as they do. Sinking, falling into darkness again.
Can't leave them yet... can't leave him yet. I have more to say...
..coward... don't have the guts.
I do.
He'll hate ... like everyone else. Weak hearted fool.
"I don't want to lose you."
The body falls away onto another pallet of stone. Darkness surrounds and abosorbs the crushed body, pulling it apart.
I'll never tell.
...coward...
I rote a song fer Aanson. And also Morhion I think. It is a good song and I want to share it with them. I think I want to sing it to Aanson first and then Morhion. I do not no if I will be abal to tho.
I did a bad thing. I killt a boy.. he was doing bad things to wemmin. he grabbed their private bits and then he pulled out his bits and waggled them about. He made me angry. He tried to do sumthing bad to Lee-o I think. I punchd him hard. In the gut, but he did nuthing. he kept doing that thing. Then Lee-o smackt him with her staff. And the othar girl smashed a tankard on his hed. Lee-o tryd to arrest him, but he wiggled away and tryd to grab her agin. No, that is the rong word. I lernd the rite word. He tryd to Molest her agin.
Lee-o sed to smash him to make him stop. So I smashd him. I smashd him and his head bits went evarywhere. I did not meen to smash him that much. But in myhart I wantid to. Mebbe my hed and my hart did not talk rite. I my hart I wantid to crush him and smash and smash. BUt I no in my hed not to do that becuz they put you in jail fer that and I do not want to go to jail. Not at all.
BUt I killt him. I am a monstar. I saw sumone run away frum me with feer on them and in them. Lee-o just stard and the othar girl, she was drunk. A man was ther and he sed the boy got less then what he daservd. I do not no. I am a monstar. It wuz an aksidint to hurt him so much. But my hart says it wuz not. My hart says I wantid to do it. My blood was hot and I had angar in me.
It is late and my hed is hurting me. Hurting so veree much. I do not want my hedaches to be bak. But I think they are. It is hard to make words now, it is blurry. I want to sleep, but it hurts. I need air.
For Tzoli, they fought a duel, the Monster and the Reeve.
For Tzoli, they fought a duel, for all they folks to see.
For Tzoli, they fought a duel, in the name of Fate.
For Tzoli, they fought a duel, one wanted her as his mate.
On the streets of Telantha, the people gathered ‘round.
On the streets of Telantha, the Monster stood his ground.
On the streets of Telantha, the pair drew their match.
On the streets of Telantha, their plots the pair did hatch.
From the kha they drew their spells, their fists lit up with flame.
From the kha they drew their spells, casting forth the blame.
From the kha they drew their spells, the Monster the Gods had blessed.
From the kha they drew their spells, this was their greatest test.
As fate drew lots against the men, the Monster he was healed.
As fate drew lots against the men, the Reeve would never yield.
As fate drew lots against the men, the people gasped in awe.
As fate drew lots against the men, this is what they saw.
On the streets the battle raged, the Monster consumed in fire.
On the streets the battle raged, the Gods, they drew him higher.
On the streets the battle raged, the Reeve, the Monster struck.
On the streets the battle raged,, the Reeve, he had no luck.
The Monster’s words, they filled the streets, “I want to make her mine.”
The Monster’s words, they filled the streets, “I fight for love divine.”
The Monster’s words, they filled the streets, his body still alight.
The Monster’s words, they filled the streets, but the Reeve still did fight.
The Reeve though scared, he flung his words, “I fight to keep her happy.”
The Reeve though scared, he flung his words, “I fight for what she can be.”
The Reeve though scared, he flung his words and lifted his blade up high.
The Reeve though scared, he flung his words and the Monster let out a cry.
With one last charge they both fought on, the Monster and the Reeve.
With one last charge they both fought on, the fight had no reprieve.
With one last charge they both fought on, the Monster filled with hate.
With one last charge they both fought on, and Balor wove this fate.
From inside his skull the rage burst out, the Monster burned his man.
From inside his skull the rage burst out, according to his God’s plan.
From inside his skull the rage burst out and still leaves us asking why.
From inside his skull the rage burst out, a horn grew from his eye.
The crowd grew silent and simply stared, but the Reeve could only act.
The crowd grew silent and simply stared as the Monster stumbled back.
The crowd grew silent and simply stared when the Monster howled in pain.
The crowd grew silent and simply stared when the Reeve victory he did claim.
So it was done, the Reeve had won but the Gods, they did not bless him.
So it was done, the Reeve had won and the fire ‘round the Monster did dim.
So it was done, the Reeve had won the crowd confused as could be.
So it was done, the Reeve had won this victory for a lass named Tzoli.
Who does Fate choose, for the blessed to lose on the field of war?
Who does Fate choose, for the blessed to lose and be cursed once more?
Who Fate does choose, for the blessed to lose, we mustn't ever question.
Who Fate does choose, for the blessed to lose, is Lord Balor's bastion.
This is the first roleplay that has inspired me into metered rhyme. (Yes, ever line is metered, say it aloud. It's almost iambic pentameter, but not quite.) You all should feel special. Hopefully, I will be able to make this all fable and epic like IC. We shall see.
Sumone told me that Lee-a died. I fergit her name tho. She sed that Lee-a was a gost and hawnting her. I do not reelee no wat a gost is. It is weerd. She sed lee-a was dead and talking to her. Hawnting her. If peepul can do that frum Annwn I wundar why my mum nevar gave me a hawnt and talkt to me frum ther. Is she all ashamd of me now? Or mebbe she isn't in Annwn attall. Mebbe she died fiting and is in Balor's army now. That woud be good. Mebbe sum of the dreems I have had with dead peepul are them hawnting me. Aanson and Morhion got in a fite agin. Then Morhion challinged Aanson to a duel in Balor's name. He challingd Aanson to a battal of Fate. I wish Morhion did not do that. I have to Honer the fite now. I shoud be ther. As one of Balor's warriers I shoud be ther.
Aanson is a good frend to me. I feel calm arownd him. Not like Bjar wen I feel like a gamzillin voisis are screeming at me and it is hurtfal. It is hard to be Bjar's frend cuz of the hurt, but I am trying to not have that no mor. I like Bjar and I want to be his frend as best I can becuz that is how it shoud be sinss he duz not have love fer me. If I am his frend, then I can still pertekt him. I feel like I shoud pertekt him.
Morhion is also a good frend to me. He treets me veree niss. I think sumtimes he wants to see sumone in me that is not ther. But he sez purty things and pretty words come frum him abowt me. I no he woud not give me no hurt.
In my hed I do not want to see the duel of Aanson and Morhion. But in my hart ... My hart is excitid. It makes my blood race in me. I want to see the fite. I want to watch it the battal. I no the fite is fer Fate and the one who is destined to win will. I no in my bones and my soul and in all things that make me, me. I no that ther is mor going on then I can see and undarstand. And my blood is hot to wach it.
So, I think this fite is a sine. The fite startid ovar me. Mostlee. The fite will end with one persin as the winnar. Whoevar wins must have the hand of Balor Touching them, the hands of the Gods. In a small and funnee way, I startid a war. Sum peepul will side with Morhion and othars with aanson. And I will be outside it all to watch the dastrucshin.
And my blood boils.
Last nite I went to Bjar’s to try to talk to him. I wanted to tell him my dasisin about Morhion. He was not ther. But on the way to his house Aanson fownd me. Aanson seemd like he had a big stress on him. It was like he was running away frum sumone. I let him in to Bjars house and we had tee. I like tee. Me and him sat and talkt and drank tee. He sed ther was veree dastractid I think, but he ast me to make him feel bettar by … *this section is smudged out*
I told Aanson abot my mum and he sed that she sounded veree purty and good. I sed that she was. Then Morhion came to Bjars house looking fer him. I do not no why. I think Aanson and Morhion hate eech other. I feel all in the middal and weerd wen they talk to eech other. They say they are not fiting, but I no they are.
Aanson made Morhion leeve and Morhion did. Then I told Aanson the dasisin I made to aksept Morhion’s proposal. Aanson sed I shoud not. He sedd I woud be unhappy. He sed that Morhion was not a good persin but that Morhion did love me. That made me confused. Why woud a bad persin love me? Do bad peepul love other peepul? Aanson sed I shoud not hold on to Morhion or Bjar and I shoud be marreed to Balor becuz being marreed to Balor wuz bettar then unrakwitid love and bettar then Morhion. He sed mebbe ther was sumone else.
I tol him abot how Ylessa woud make Morhion bak to how he was so he coud marry me. Aanson sed that I shoud not unless Ylessa told me to marry him. I was just trying to make a smart dasisin with my hed instead of my hart. I was trying to be smart. Morhion is niss and will treet me good. He will be a tru and good husband to me. Ther is still the part of me that screems out “no no no”.
Leo sed it woud be good fer us to be tagethur and I think Lia did to but I do not ramembar. Sigfreed sed it woud be good alsah. But, sumthing in Aanson’s eyes… sumthin.
I do not no.
I tryd to sleep on it. But I can not sleep nun. So it spins arownd on my hed and in my hart and they do not agree and it hurts.
I think I will aksept Morhion's proposal to me. I do not think I will do no bettar. his goddess Ylessa gave him tasks so she must want him to marry me. I think he will be a good husbind to me. he will not hurt me nun I do not think and he will take care of me like a good husbind.
But, sumthing in my hart screems at me No No No. But in my hed I no it is the best thing. I will wait to tell him until he has finished wat he has to do fer his Goddess. I do not want him to think he has to rush them fer me. I will wait becuz ...
I do not no why. But I feel like I shoud wait to tell him. My hed says I shoud just tell him, then he will be qwik to make himself good fer his Goddess. He loves me I think and he thinks I am purty. My hart is still hurting lots so mebbe that is why it says No No No to me.
Sumtimes I think I hate Bjar. And Rylian. And even Niko a littal bit. But I push thoz feelings down down down and ferget abot them. I hate that they hurt me so much. I hate Bjar and Rylian becuz they new they hurt me and do things anaway.
But still, I can not hate them so much. They just hurt me.
I wish I coud say they did not meen it. But they new wat they did so they must meen it.
Morhion will not hurt me. But I think I will hurt him.
I bawt myself a niss dress taday. It is veree niss. It cost manee coins. More than my ten. I still have lots of coins left tho fer food so no one will be mad at me. The dress is red and goz to my shins. I think it is sappozto go to my ankals. I am too tall fer regular dressis tho.I had them mak the top part longar. The top part has tize like my bodiss did so it can fit bettar/ It has gold ribin and is niss. Aanson evin sed my dress was niss. I think it made him look at me twiss becuz he was not ekspekting me to have one on. Silly. I think is made lots of peepul confuzed to see me in a dress.
I went to go and see Bjar. I think he was still lokt in his offiss. I noked and noked but no one answard. Mebbe he was sleeping or so so so buzee that he did not heer me.
I made a new frend who is an old maid like me. Lia. I did not no that she was oldar then me. She evin nos that we are old maids. That made me feel a littal bettar. Sigfreed sed we was both yung. But he is a man and duz not undarstand things like that. Lia likes Aanson the same way I like Bjar. We both no that we can not have them tho becuz they do not want us. I think I will try to be a veree bestest frend with lia. She and me have lots in commin. I will make her and Lee-o and Aanson and Sigfreed and Morhion all of my bestest frend with Sehki and Hemo and Aubren and Bjar and Sil and Sky and Niko even tho Sil and Sky and Niko are all ded.
That will be good.
Me and Lee-o and Morhion went on a huntin trip in the woods. It was a good trip with not lots of hunting. Morhion had to go bak to the hospatal in the middal of the trip. So me and Lee-o had lots of time to owrselvs.
We fownd a weerd place in the woods with a sircal of roks. In the middal of the roks was a tree. Me and her sat down and talkt abowt men and the gard and stuff like that. I told her abowt Morhion and how he wants to marry me and the tasks Ylessa gave him. She sed me and him woud be good. She sed she thawt we woud be happy.
I no I woud not be unhappy. Morhions says niss things to me. He says I am prety and strong and good. And morhion is veree niss and good to. He nos magics so he must be smart.
Bak home ther was manee girls I new who had meen husbinds. I think they got beetin by them to much. Mor than a husbind shoud hit his wife to make shur she duz things rite. Sumtimes I herd the wifes of the feeld workars talking abowt sum girl who had a husbind who forsed her. I do not no wat they ment but it sowndid veree bad to me. They sed men gambald and drank and that they wished they had bin marreed to sumone bettar.
My mum always told me that my pa was a good husbind and she was lukee. Mebbe that is why she nevar mareed agin wen the machmakar came or wen grams and graps fownd sumone. Grams and graps nevar made her tho evin tho it woud have bin ok.
So Morhion is niss. I do not think he woud be a bad husbind. I do not think he will beet me to much. I do not think he will gambal. he is not lazee and he has a job. He is faithfal to the Gods. Those are good things for a husbind to be. And he is a frend to me.
Why do I feel like I am trying to convinss myself?
Why do I feel like I am running away frum sumthing?
Why duz my hart still hurt so much?
So, I have just finished going through all of my entries. (well over 200) and removing all of the trackback pings from them. I hate those damn thins. I have also set each entry to disallow pings. Yay. At the same time I labeled all of my entries into a category so they pop up correctly in the archives. This is more work than it sounds like as I had to double label a few of them and couldn't just use the mass labeler.
On a side note, I am working on a new design, thus far it looks like it will be pretty nice. I am just working on the new graphics and then everything should fall together. I am excited about this layout. Hopefully I will like it more than the one I have now. I don't know yet, we'll see. I will post it up here for all to look at before I transfer it to the main page. That way I can get some feed back on it which should be fun. I am also working on a new layout for my realplay blog. That is on the back burner compared to this one, but I am busy making graphics for it as well.
Pain
"...Monster..."
Ripping
"So beautiful..."
Tearing
A voice, soft, soothing, "Push harder now, come on."
The feeeling of being torn apart from the inside, Unbearable pain, ripping, screaming. "Push, harder."
Bursting open
Screams
"Oh gods, get that thing away from here, don't show her. For the love of Ylessa don't show her her child."
The thing is quickly wrapped up, a clawed hand still visible on the newborn monster. The flesh hangs on the leg, flopping and folding, discoloured and mottled. The deformed child screaming hoarsely.
"Go and send it to the beasts. Kill it.. that deformed monster, don't show her."
"...please...my baby..."
pain
Blood spilling out, warming and cooling at the same time. A scarred hand reaching out. Darkness, blurring.
The hand falls.
"...Monster..."
Pain
"...die..."
You're dead now...
"...monster..."
Sinking
Awaken.
Scream
I pray for you, O Balor,
to take me up and Guide me.
Place upon my soul your Fate.
Place upon my heart change.
Place within my fist destruction.
Place upon my brow inspiration.
Balors, warrior of the sky,
Lead me to be strong.
I accept you into my soul and my heart.
Guide my feet that I may move swiftly.
Guide my legs that I may move sure.
Guide my hand that I may strike true.
Guide my eye to see my enemy's true face.
Guide my body to act as Your warrior.
O Balor, above me and below me,
let me be Your warrior.
Let me be Your Voice and Your Fist on Aagos.
I will be Your fist of destruction.
I will be Your hand of change.
I will be Your Arrow of Fate.
I will be Your Spear of Conquest.
Morhion got a task to bring peepul to Ylessa. To make her church grow biggar. Mebbe it si time fer me to reelee start trying to get peepul to fallow Balor. I do not no manee peepul whjo are sootid to Him tho. The onlee one I can think of is Lee-o. She trains veree hard and is always willing to lern mor abot fiting. I think that is good. I thing she undarstands Fate to. Mebbe Lia woud allso be good. She likes to train and lern. She is fast. I thinnk they are both Bjar's monks tho.
I do not want to take peepul who are not rite fer Balor. I do not think it woud make him Proud or do Him no good. I want peepul who want Balor. Not peepul who do not no wat they want. I want peepul who are willing to undarstand Him and the things He teechis.
Mebbe Daferis. He askt me lots of questins abot Balor onss. Mebbe I shoud find him agin.
Balor is the rular of Fate so peepul who fallow Him shoud no they was ment to. I shoud rite to peepul and try to find monee to bild a cella fer Balor. That way I can do propar sacrifisis. Aftar that an Areena. Mebbe with training grownds as well. I think that will bring peepul bak to Balor. That is wat I shoud do.
No more thinking abot Bjar.
No mor thinking abot childrins or familees.
Just Balor.
I shoud get strongar and bring mor peepul to Him.
I shoud teech peepul wat I no so it duz not go away frum the world.
I had a funnee dreem last nite. In my dreem I was not me, I was a man. I had on veree shinee armer with the Mark of Yarsin on my sheeld. I have nevar used no sheeld bafer so I no that it wuz not me. Allso, evaryone in my dreem callt me Gevard and that is not my name neethur. I was also veree small in my dreem and I had to look up at evaryone.
So I had a dreem abot being this man Gevard. I was in a skwad of men who fot on the bordars of the Country. I wuz in the skwad with sum men who lookt an awfal lot like me. The reel me, not the dreem me. The dreem me carried a big long weppin. I do not no the name of it now, but it was veree big and long and pointy but not a spear. The othar men carred the same weppin errah spear.
I was standin on top of a ledge neer a mountin looking down on all the othar men in my skwad as they was being killt. I do not no why I did not help them. They calld fer me to help them, but I coud not move a single inch. Then sum of the men got angry and they startid to all change. Their fasis lookt like monstars cuz they was so angry. They startid using ther weppins and ther hands and beet killt manee enemees. Then they startid killing eech othar.
Ther was manee flags on the grownd. I wached one fly up in the wind and wached it fly away. It was a green flag. I ramembar that. I was watching the flag fly away wen I was killt by a spear in my hart. It did not hurt to die in my dreem I just floatid away like the flag.
It was a weerd dreem but it made me feel bettar in the morning. I have bin veree depressd latlee. I do not no why. I put on a happee face tho and smile a lot. Things have bin good latlee, but I still feel far away and falling. But, today I feel bettar. Liter. Like I coud turn into a flag and fly away.
I think I will go an see Bjar taday. I think I can do that now. It hurts, but it is ok.
Morhion got a task frum the Goddess Ylessa. Well, he got manee tasks. He wuz in mah room wen he got them frum her. He got them so he woud be normal agin. He wants to be normal so he can marry me and give me a familee. He wants to be changed fer me.
It is hard fer me to undarstand evarything. But I do no this: he calls me his beloved so he must love me. I do not no how I feel fer him. Evarytime he puts his lips on my cheek I think of Bjar kissing me bafer he sacrifissed himself. I think of Bjar and it hurts me so veree much. How do I stop loving sumone like that? I no Bjar duz not want me. I no he loves othars. I no all of that. I do not want to hurt Morhion the way Bjar hurts me. Morhion says manee niss things to me and says manee pretty words that make me feel happy. Bjar nevar says pretty words no mor that make me happy. I do not want to be a horrabal persin. Am I onlee looking at the outside of peepul?
I do not no. Mebbe wen I do not feel hurt and love for Bjar no mor I can sort it out.
Aanson says I shoud not be arown Morhion. That he is not the rite kind of man fer me. Aanson and me talk lots abot stuffs like that. He also wants to be marreed and have a familee agin. That is his goal the same as me. Aanson will find a niss Lady though I no it. I like Aanson, he is veree niss. He offared to reed me poetree. Aanson makes me feel... like me. Like I can just be reguler. Like it is okay that I do not no things and undarstand things. He treets me like Bjar duz though... like a sistar.
Eksept sumtimes he gits weerd. Like wen Morhion came and put a kiss on my hand he lookt away and got mad. I think he hates Morhion. They do not like eech othar attall. Aanson also got weerd wen the man in the Inn sed he woud tell me abot how you get babies. He wantid me away frum him. I think he is trying to pertekt me.